Red Herrings for the Queen!
by Trampy Mouse
Summary: Set after SITNOP. I just had to start writing this, all the Dave POVs have inspired me. It is written from both Georgia and Dave's POVs, and the whole thing is supposed to be ironic, better summary inside.DavexGee although other pairings occur.
1. Author's Note

**Authors Note:**

I had had a flash of the watsit and I HAD to start writing this and upload it.

No fears, I will not neglect my SkyScraper Funosity Wise, although chappie uploads may take a lot longer, sorry!! It is just that I had this pop into my head whilst reading all the (brilliant) Dave POV's and I HAD to write.

But I am writing with a twist. Everything will be accounted by Gee and then Dave, so you have both their POV's. The whole fic is based around irony actually and that is why I am doing both, as I was originally going to write this from Gee's POV then I thought it would make Dave look like a twit of first water so I would write it from his POV and then I had a spaz and decided on both. Excellenty idea, I hope (I'm not good at explaining, though, lol) . So I HAD to write this, because if you have read Gird you will remember I said something about another dif angled fic. This is NOT it. I have lost the will with that one because I went onto Sky and didn't start with that. Which is a shame. One day it might be reloved, though.

Now, notio importio, I didn't want to write it cheesy from Dave's POV and make him obsessed with Georgia. Obviously he luuurves her and all that jazz, but I didn't want it to be GeorgiaGeorgiaGeorgia because I hate writing cheese. Ah well, you'll see, it's still very Gee x Dave because they are just destined for each other.

So, I may hand you over to our favourite (hem, hem) couple who have reached an (hem, hem) agreement and co-writed this latest oeuvre.

Love, Trampy Mouse xx

Ps. Set after SITNOP.


	2. Note from Georgia

**A Note From Georgia:**

Dearest Chummie Wummies and International Groovesters!

For the latest of my oeuvres I have given into endless petitions and constant nagging of you minxlettes and have a special treat for you. I only do this because I luuurve you. I have, by some means I will not mention, persuaded Dave the Laugh to co-write this newest chronicle of my confessions with me. He agreed straight away, like an agreeing watsit on agreement tablets. He really does not have any pridnosity.

I told him that, I said, "Dave, you really have no pridnosity,"

And he said, "Kittykat, I have simply been unexplainably enticed by what you offered in return,"

Unbelievable really. He is indeedy an annoying twit sometimes. He is currently wearing his red nose when writing. Truly, truly mad. But I only put up with him because I luuurve you all.

Yes I do. And that is _le_ fact.

But I mean that most lovingly in a none lesbian sense.

As always, kisses from the depths of my bottomless (oo-er) niciosity.

Georgia xxxxx

**PS**. I know what you are thinking, you cheeky minxes. You think I offered Dave the Laugh something incredibly rudey dudey in return for him confessing and bearing his watsits (Oo-er) don't you?

**PPS**. I did NOT offer Dave the Laugh anything rudey dudey in return. I am a sophis woman brimming with maturiosity akimbo and I do not do anything like that. We came to a mature and grown up agreement.

**PPPS**. Basically I promised him A LOT of Number Six. But I mean that in a none-red bottomed sense. It is a business agreement.

**PPPPS**. Also before I collapse into my Bed of Pain, I must make one thing vair, vair clear: I am not responsible for anything Dave the Laugh has written. He will not allow me to view his confessions to make sure he has not written anything rudey dudey or inappropriate.

**PPPPPS**. I think he thinks I will laugh at them.

**PPPPPPS**. Or he is doing it because I will not let him read mine.

**PPPPPPPS**. I wonder what he has written-Zzzzzzz.


	3. Note from Dave the Laugh

**A Note from Dave the Laugh:**

Hi all fans of the Biscuit!!

And by fans of the biscuit I don't mean serial biscuit eaters. I mean, you might be, but that is not the point. I mean fans of me. Because I am the Vati and you all luuurve me. You can admit it. Because you know if you don't it just gives me the mega horn! You know I love it.

So tow in your camels and hold your pants you lovely minxes, because Confessions of Dave the Laugh are now here!! Yes, that's right; the Hornmeister shall bear his all (Oo-er), so sound your cosmic horns and let the PANTS fest begin!

I am going to be away laughing on a fast camel now. Or at least taking it to the stables. It is vair, vair tuckering being an Authoring Sensation. Almost as tuckering as being Dave the Biscuit. Almost.

So luuurve of first waters to you all!

Dave the Laugh

Many Snogs and Tides of Lip Nibbling, xxxxxx

**PS**. I bet you thought it was only Georgia who can write confessions didn't you?

**PPS**. You were vair, vair wrong.

**PPPS**. I can write too. I learnt to at school.

**PPPPS**. I bet you think I am lying as I don't do anything useful at school and just get detention.

**PPPPPS**. But I do. I do lots of very, very useful things. Many useful things, indeedy.

**P(x6)S.** Like setting my hand on fire. Which was hilarious.

**P(x7)S**. You will also notice I have stolen some of Georgia's words.

**P(x8)S.** It is not because I am a thief, it is just me and my camel are too tuckered to think of our owny.

**P(x9)S**. You try being Jack the Biscuit/ The Vati/ Hornmeister/ Laugh/ Pants King/ Sex Bomb, it is incredibly tuckering. Almost like having a double life.

**P(x10)S.** I must go now. The reason why I have put myself out to write this (other than for my boundless luuurve of all you Gorgey Sex Kitties of the World) is because our Beloved Kittykat bribed me with promises of snogging. And who am I to refuse such an offer?


	4. Gee: His Designer Huff Mobile

**So, this is my stab at the double trouble fanfic!! God, I usually babble on the Authors Notes, but I can't think of anything to write. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, but I own the plot. Oh, yes, wait I do own a character that will enter in chapter 4 and is mentioned in chappy 3 but I can't reveal quite yet.**

* * *

_**Georgia:**_

**His Designer Huff Mobile**

_**Saturday 17**__**th**__** September**_

_**Midnight**_

I cannot believe it. It is unbelievable, that is why.

_**2 minutes later**_

Unbelievably full of poo and _Merde_.

_**4 minutes later**_

Why does Big G hate me? He toys with my heart, dangling a Luuurve God in front of my nose and then tearing him away before I can reach him.

_**3 minutes later**_

I blame Dave the Laugh entirely for this. If he hadn't come over and done the twist with me then Masimo wouldn't have got jealous and they wouldn't have nearly had a fisticuffs at dawn fandango. And I wouldn't have made what is commonly known as a twit and a fule of myself vis-à-vis pants.

That is another fault of Dave the So-called Laugh. Him and his Pants antics.

_**1 minute later**_

And now the Luuurve God has jumped into his huff mobile with me. It is a vair, vair sexy, designer huff mobile. But it is still a huff mobile never the less. And he is in it because of me.

_**2 minutes later**_

I am blubbing like a blubbing thing on blubbing tablets. I can barely stand. I think crying may have made my conk grow to gigantibus sizes. I can hardly hold up my head.

_**30 seconds later**_

Even though Dave the Laugh was not technically flirting, I bet he was sending secret maley signals to Masimo and riling him up. A Luuurve God could not possibly get that angry over me doing the twist, could he?

_**1 minute later**_

I suddenly became aware of a presence next to me. It was like the Sixth Sense watsit, as I could not see as my eyes had become taps i.e. watering vair, vair badly indeedy.

It was the Ace Gang. I luuurve my chums. They come to help me in such times of pooinosity. They are proper matey-type mates. Unlike Dave the Laugh. Who just went off.

Jas said, "What happened Gee? Why did Masimo get all stroppy and storm off?"

Mabs said, "I thought he was going to whip his watsit out,"

Rosie said, "Oo-er,"

Mabs said, "No, I mean his revolver from his handbag and start shooting at Dave,"

Jools said, "Like some naff cowboy movie?"

Mabs said, "Exactamondo, imagine them both in spurs and leather trousers,"

As poo and utterly miz I felt, it still made me laugh. It was a small, snivelly laugh, but a laugh. I could imagine Dave the Laugh dressed up as a cowboy. Lassoing Cows. For a Larf.

Jas said, "Come on, I'll take you back to your house, it's ok, I'm here for you,"

She really has been coming up trumps in the pally department recently. She even put my arms around her shoulders because my legs had decided that they didn't want to walk.

The rest of the Ace Gang were going to follow but then Sven came bursting out the club and shouted, "Ja, dream chicks, groove my shorts," and they all went back inside. It was so sad.

_**2 minutes later**_

Jas said, "I think Masimo will forgive you in the morning, I think he just over-reacted over the whole Dave fandango,"

She was trying to be nice, but she was so blatantly lying. She was flicking her fringe like billio.

I said, "He is going to hate me forever, he can sense my red bottomosity from ages ago. He can tell there was something between Dave and me!!"

I am going to have to go to a nunnery and repent my sins. Big G is punishing me for my Giddy days as a nympho watsit.

Jas said, "You are going to have to talk to Dave the Laugh and tell him that everything has to stop between you two. Otherwise Masimo won't be able to stand for it,"

I said, "Jas, encase your vair, vair large fringe is making you see things, Dave is not here. He scampered like a loon after the Fisticuffs fiasco,"

Jas went 'hmp' but she said, "Actually, I've sent Tom off to get him,"

I said, "Jas, since when do you organise my life for me?"

She said, "If I didn't organise your life for you, Georgia, you would most probably end up a prozzie,"

How dare she?!

_**1 minute later**_

I didn't even have the strength in my arms to push her into a bush or anything. She is probably right. I am such a dreadful person and a terrible nympho-watsit, I will end up a Prozzie. Or a Sex-Kitty-o-Gram.

I blame Mutti and Uncle Eddie. How am I supposed to know how to behave if my Elderly Loons act like that? Don't even let me get started on Vati.

And then down the street, we saw Hunky. He seemed to be arguing with a bush. Has he gone mad? Or is this a new Nature-type Thing. Like tree hugging. Except you talk to bushes.

Then we noticed the bush had feet sticking out of it.

Tom turned to us and said, in an exasperated way, "Hi,"

Jas said, "Whose feet are those?"

Tom said, "Dave, he won't come out,"

Blimey O'Reily's trousers.

Jas said, "Is he drunk?"

Tom said, "No, he is just being irritating," and they all started talking about species of mushrooms or something. I don't know. I was too far into the Valley of Utter Miz to care.

Tom said, "Dave, are you going to get out of the bush anytime today?"

Then Dave's voice came out of the bush, "There is only about half an hour left of today. And it would then be tomorrow. And so I would not have much time in the Bush of Life,"

What is he on about? Has he gone officially bonkers? I will never, ever understand Boydom.

I am not going to wait another half an hour for him to get out of his so-called Bush of Life. I have far more important things to do than talk to Dave. Like heeding the call of My Bed of Pain and crying. I said, "Oh, I better go, I'm not waiting for him,"

Jas said, "Gee, stay, you need to sort everything out and talk," and she grabbed my hand to stop me going off. Erlack a Pongoes! I have inadvertently got onto number 1 on the snogging scale with my bestie chummy! Erlack!!

And then there was this massive hoo-hah in the bush and I think Dave was fighting a vole or something. Then we heard, "BUGGER! Ouch, ouch, my nose has just been stabbed by twig, give me a moment,"

How can he be so stupid and full of _joie de_ watsit after all the problems he's caused? He is so insensitive it is unbelievable.

I said, "Dave, don't be so stupid. I want to talk to you,"

And Dave fought his way through the leaves and stuff, holding his nose like he'd hurt it. He had a twig in his hair. He just looked at me in a weird way for a second and then said, "Oh, must scoot, for my fast camel is leaving shortly and if I am late he does not tolerate laughing. So I couldn't be away laughing on a fast camel. Hahahaha. S'laters,"

And he scampered off into the darkness.

_**6 minutes later**_

He doesn't care at all about me. He just wanted to have a laugh and tease Masimo with his big red bottom. Not that he has the horn for Masimo. At least I don't think he does. I hope he doesn't. Because that would make him a Homosexualist himself.

I mean that he was taunting Masimo vis-à-vis maley type signals. Oo-er.

_**2 minutes later**_

Shut up.

_**1 minute later**_

Tom is walking with us. I said, "Tom, why was Dave in the bush?"

Tom said, "He said he was waiting for the bush pixies to come out,"

Oh. Right. Of course.

_**5 minutes later**_

I wonder what Masimo is doing? I can't be dumped can I? We've only been going out for month. We can't be over already??

_**1 minute later**_

I just started crying again. Tom and Jas tried to hug me but it just made me feel worse.

_**4 minutes later**_

We got to my house and Jas carried on holding me upright while Tom rang the door bell. My hands were shaking like a couple of leaves and I couldn't look for my keys.

Mutti came to the door, wearing a horrendous see-through nightie. I thought Tom was going to faint.

But Jas handled it quite well. She is used to my family's antics. She explained that there had nearly been a big bust up at the club and Masimo may have quite possibly dumped me.

Well, she didn't say dumped. She said, "He left looking quite huffy and Georgia doesn't know where she stands relationship-wise now,"

I love Jazzy Spazzy. In a none lesbian way.

Then I sort of changed hands and Jas passed me onto Mutti. Mutti gave me a hug. I was virtually smothered to death by her abnormally large nungas but it was still nice. Being hugged, not being suffocated by her basoomas.

Jas said she'll phone me in the morning and her and Tom walked off. You could hear them whispering. Probably about voles.

Mutti took me upstairs and sat on my bed next to me for a bit. Amazingly she didn't try to quiz me about the Night of Utter Poo and said, "When you feel like talking, I'm here,"

Wow!!

_**Bed of Pain and Aggers Akimbo**_

_**2.30am**_

Maybe Masimo has decided that he would rather go out with some Italian Bint.

Wearing a fur bikini.

Or leather hot pants.

_**3 minutes later**_

I HATE Dave the Laugh.

_**2 minutes later**_

I had taken my tent down in the Cake Shop of Luuurve and finally purchased an Italian Cakey when a Dave the Tart comes back onto the scene. Tart being the operative word.

_**3 minutes later**_

Oh, I don't mean that.

He wasn't exactly thrusting himself at me. He has kept away from me, horn-wise. Like he said he would.

He has been a good Laugh-type person.

_**6 minutes later**_

To take the bullet by the horns and not beat around the watsit, he was better than me at this matey-type fandango.

When we had our German Fight, I very nearly puckered up.

_**2 minutes later**_

Not that it was because I heeded the call of the Big Red Bottom. It was because he was bending down close to me and it was a natural instinct to pucker up.

_**1 minute later**_

Like when you think something is going to hit you and you put your arms up to protect yourself. You know. Bracing yourself.

_**3 minutes later**_

I was bracing myself for a potential snog. Which, as is obvious to even the vair, vair, dim, was not going to happen. Because I had plighted my troth to the Italian Stallion. It was just a natural reaction. Just Bracing myself.

_**2 minutes later**_

Not that I was wearing braces or anything. And neither was he.

_**5 minutes later**_

In fact my teeth are quite nice and straight. It is the only part of my selfish parents' genes which is any good to me.

What was it that I got when we were rating each other out of ten, decades ago?

An average nine.

_**4 minutes later**_

Dave the Laugh has nice teeth actually. Great for nip libbling. ShutupShutupShutup.

_**30 seconds later**_

How do people with braces snog anyway? Surely their braces must get stuck together. And they wouldn't be able to get their mouths apart. And everyone would think they were snogging addicts.

_**2 minutes later**_

Am I a snogging addict?

_**1 minute later**_

Oh my giddy God's Pyjamas and matching slippers. May be I am? Maybe the luuurve God could sense my cosmic horn just waiting to leap out!!

_**4 minutes later**_

Maybe he didn't sense Dave's maley signals, but he sensed my inner minx! Oh god! And maybe Dave can sense it.

Maybe all boys can sense it. Like the Dame, Tosser Thompson, Cousin James and Junior Blunder Boy Oscar, prat in training.

_**1 minute later**_

Oh Pants Akimbo! Maybe that's it! Maybe when they are out on 'cat patrol' they turn on their Horn Sensors. Like a radio. And I radiate out like a Beacon of the Cosmic Horn.

Oh Godddd.

_**4 minutes later**_

Maybe Masimo tuned into Georgia FM in Pizza-a-gogo land and found out about the incident in the Forest of Red Bottomosity.

_**3 minutes later**_

Where me and Dave shared, what can only be described as a full frontal and phoar situation type snog.

_**4 minutes later**_

But we haven't done anything since. He has been a good boyfriend to Emma. And I have been a good girlfriend to Masimo.

_**5 minutes later**_

So why is he driving around in his Designer Huff Mobile?

_**4 minutes later**_

I must gird my loins and eschew Dave with a firmer hand.

_**6 minutes later**_

Masimo got quite jealous when I was German Fighting with Dave the Laugh.

_**2 minutes later**_

Maybe German is a language of Luuurve to the Pizza-a-gogo-nese types.

Like we think Froggie is.

_**1 minute later**_

Oh _Merde. Trés, Trés Merde_. My Big Red Bottom has taken things one step too far now.

_**5 minutes later**_

Why can't my life ever be simple pimple? Why can't I just be with someone who luuurves me and I luuurve them. And no hint of Red Bottomosity or Cosmic Horn?

Like Jas and Tom.

_**2 minutes later**_

Jas has pledged her troth luuurve wise and has ordered a Tom Truffle from the Cake Shop of Luuurve. And she has not complained once about her Tom Truffle. Because she loves him no matter what.

Why can't I be like that?

I will even put up with voles and badgers if it means finding someone who luuurves me.

And that is saying something.

_**4 minutes later**_

I wonder why Dave scarpered earlier?

_**2 minutes later**_

I wonder why he was looking for Bush Pixies?

_**5 minutes later**_

I will never ever understand him. He is a bloody mystery to us all. And so is Masimo.

Pretty much all of Boy Kind are mysteries.

_**1 minute later**_

I will never, ever understand them as long as I live.

_**7 minutes later**_

I am too full of confusiosity and pooinosity to slee- Zzzzzz

* * *

**So, there you go. Bit of a dull chapter really, but there was not much I could do as it was late at night and Georgia is in mental agony. And I had written Dave's side first, lol, so it had to fit. The plot mostly revolves around an idea he gets so it's best to write him first then do Georgia, otherwise his story line will end up just conforming with Georgia's and that is what I want to avoid. So, on now, to Dave's side of the story!!**


	5. Dave: Water of PANTS

**And Dave the Laugh's side of the story!! Please let me know whether his 'voice' is ok.**

* * *

_**Dave**_

**Water of PANTS**

_**Saturday 17**__**th**__** September**_

_**Midnight**_

Well, that was…interesting.

_**2 minutes later**_

Especially since I have no idea what just happened.

_**1 minute later**_

Or what is going to happen.

_**3 minutes later**_

Tom caught me up. He was puffing and panting like a loon. I thought about running off, to make him collapse from exhaustion. He is well on his way. He sounds like a dog. But I am not mean enough. And besides, he got a better score than me in Sprinting.

Tom said, "What-pant, pant- just happened then- pant-,"

I said, "Well, you just ran up and asked me what just happened,"

Tom just looked at me. He was quite red faced. He must have ran all the way from the Honey Club to get me. How sweet of him. I am a biscuit after all.

I said, "You look quite sensationally red faced and very tuckered, indeedio. Would you want some water?"

He said, "Cheers, mate, have you got a bottle of water then?"

I said, "No, I thought we could rain dance,"

_**1 minute later**_

Apparently I am childish, immature and not-entirely-normal and that is why I land myself in situations akimbo with pants.

Just because I showed him my (excellent) rendition of a rain dance, accompanied by the assembly-hymn of 'Water! Water of PANTS! Jesus gives us the Water of PANTS!!''

_**4 minutes later**_

Tom said, "I thought you said you were going to leave Georgia alone. Pull the plug and what not. But you didn't. And do you know why? It is because you love her and don't you dare keep denying it. Because you do. But you are too chicken to tell her,"

I said, "Tom, I don't want to talk about it,"

He said, "Oh, that's ok then, because I want to tell you about an interesting mushroom I found the other day,"

I said, "Was it the brown stripy one?"

He said, "Um, yes,"

I said, "Oh, I know. I ate it,"

"YOU WHAT!?"

"I thought it would give me visions,"

"It was poisonous! Oh my God, oh my god, are you feeling ok? Dizzy? Nauseous? Stomach ache?"

I said, "Tom, do you really think I would be going around eating mushrooms? I don't even like the edible type. I certainly would not be trying to get visions off some wild ones. I am not into that stuff. And never will be. Because if I was, I could end up in rehab. And then I would have to be famous first, and that is too much hard work at the moment, as I am currently trying to figure out what just happened,"

"That's what I wanted to know,"

"Yes,"

"Yes,"

"Yes,"

"Dave?"

"Yes,"

"STOP SAYING YES!!"

"No,"

"Please?"

"Tom, I would like to agree but you have just forbidden me from saying the word beginning with a y and ending in es,"

He pushed me into a bush.

_**Bush of life**_

_**1 minute later**_

Tom said, "Are you going to get out the bush?"

I said, "Nope,"

Tom said, "Dave, I am not playing childish games with you, I have a ramble tomorrow to prepare for and I need to sleep,"

I said, "Sleep in the bush,"

He said, "No. Just get out the bloody bush, Dave,"

Why did he push me in a bush if he doesn't want me to be in one? _C'est la mysterie de la vie _as our Froggie friends would say_._ He has dug his grave and now he may lie in it. Or rather, he has pushed me in a bush and I shall lie in it.

_**Still in the Bush of life**_

_**2 minutes later**_

Tom said, "Dave, what are you doing in there?"

I said, "Waiting for the bush pixies to come out,"

I think he thinks I'm mad. I'm not. I have just lost something. Named; my mind.

_**Still in the Bush of Life**_

_**1 minute later**_

It is quite comfy in here. Apart from Twigs stabbing me left, right and centre. And most probably a menagerie of wild life. It would be Tom's perfect hovel. But he has decided to stay out. Where is his _joie de vivre_?

I heard some footsteps and Tom said hi. To the owners of the footsteps, obviously, not the footsteps themselves, for that would be odd.

Then a voice said, "Whose are those feet sticking out the bush?"

Ah, that's Ma'am Fringy herself.

Tom said, "Dave, he won't come out,"

Jas said, "Is he drunk?"

Tom said, "No, he's just being irritating. But he did eat one of those mushrooms,"

I shouted from under the leaves, "I did NOT eat those mushrooms. I was doing a little thing called joking. Because I have a wondrous gift. It's called 'a sense of humour' and that is the reason why people call me Dave the Laugh,"

I should learn not to joke with Tom. Since him and Jas got together (about a squillion years ago and they are the pants of each others eyes) he has lost his sense of humour. I maintain her fringe ate it.

Tom said, "Dave, are you going to get out of the bush anytime today?"

I said, "There is only about half an hour left of today. And it would then be tomorrow. And so I would not have much time in the Bush of Life,"

I honestly cannot be bothered to fight my way through twigs and voles to freedom.

Then a third voice said, "Oh, I better go, I'm not waiting for him,"

Jas said, "Gee, stay, you need to sort everything out and talk,"

Wait! It's Kit- Georgia! I leapt out the bushes like a mad man. Unfortunately there was a twig above my face and it went straight up my nose.

"BUGGER! Ouch, ouch, my nose has just been stabbed by twig, give me a moment,"

Still, that will provide my brain with much needed air. Don't bother with the lungs; I can breathe straight into my brain now. Oh, God that hurts!!

Then Gee said, "Dave, don't be so stupid. I want to talk to you,"

I dis-heeded the call of the nose-aggers and got out the bush. Georgia was all tearful and her mascara was all smudged. Like a panda. Aaaaw, I hate seeing her cry, All I want to do is to put my arms around her and cuddle her. Even if her nose does reach horrific sizes when she goes all teary bananas. But I can't. Because I have Emma, she has her Violent Handbag horse and we are just matey-matey-mate-type mates.

And that is all we will ever be.

_**Some Street. Some Place.**_

_**3 minutes later**_

I couldn't risk it. I couldn't. Because if I let myself comfort her, I would end up snogging her. And then everything will end up in the piddly diddly department of life.

So I said, "Oh, must scoot, for my fast camel is leaving shortly and if I am late he does not tolerate laughing. So I couldn't be away laughing on a fast camel. Hahahaha. S'laters,"

And I dashed off.

And now I am aloney.

_**2 minutes later**_

Apart from the Blunder Boys. They are lurking on a street corner, smoking and shuffling their shoulders. They think it makes them look coolio. It doesn't. It makes them look like Elvis, but only not as attractive.

Still, I am not going to shrink away. I am going to walk proudly past them. Even if there is about twelve of them. And I am currently their worst enemy.

Then Mark Big God shouted out, "Oy, Dave!!"

I turned around and said, "Yeah, what?"

"Come over here,"

"Nah, fanks, I've already very nearly had one fisticuffs at dawn fandango today, I am not looking for another. I've gone Buddhist,"

He said, "Have you heck. Fancy a smoke?"

What? Since when has Mark Big Gob decided to be my chummy wummy? It must have been since I beat him up after he was trying to cop off with the titches and then achieved my own personal stalkers. Duffing up people does remarkable things. Oh, wait, no. It'll be when we frog marched them out the club. I lose track of how many times I have been forced to get violent with him.

And I certainly will NOT be having a smoke with him or any other time. I do not want to die of lung cancer. I would prefer to die snogging. Or not die at all. What is it with people trying to tempt me with toxic substances today? First Tom and his mushrooms and now Mark Big Gob with his fags. What happened to people getting their kicks off sugar?

Then Mark said, "Or are you too chicken? Have a fag" and his mates all started guffawing like spoons.

I said, "No, I will not be having a fag, thank you. I am not a Homosexualist,"

THAT silenced them. All his mates shut up and they tried to figure out what I just said. As I am vair, vair witty, I employ two languages. I just treated them to a rendition of Hamburger-a-gogo nese. But I doubt their brain cell can figure that out.

_**1 minute later**_

I'll tell you one language I do not want to employ. It is the one containing the word 'vair'. I could tell you whose language it is, but then I will have to admit I do in fact quite like the founder of that language. And that is why I said 'vair'.

Which I must stop saying.

_**Home**_

_**Half past Midnight**_

I got in through the door, like a quiet mouse on mouse tablets (shut up) but I still ended up alerting Mutti to my presence. I think it may have something to do with tripping over the coat rack.

She said, from the living room, "Dave, is that you?"

I said, "No,"

She said, "What are you doing back so early? You usually don't come back until ridiculous hours of the morning,"

I said, "Well, err, I got tired,"

She said, "Ok, would you like something to eat?"

Wow! That is proper mutti service!

I said, "Oh, yes, Mutti, a nourishing stew would be nice, dancing is hungry work,"

I didn't add fighting. Or nearly fighting.

She said, "Ok. Well, the vegetables are in the fridge and remember the hob is gas, so do be careful,"

The cheek!! Telling me to make my own food! What does she think she is there for? Watching late night TV?

I went into the living room, "Mutti, that is quite cruel. You should be making it for me and molly coddling and such the like. It is a duty of mother hood that may have passed you by,"

She said, "Don't be so bloody cheeky- OH HEAVENS! What happened to your nose?!"

I said, "Huh?"

"Your nose, it's spewing with blood!!"

I wiped it with the back of my hand. Erlack. She is right. I knew I wasn't being stupid. Blimey, how did I not notice that bleeding? It is like the Italian Homosexualist sent his rage by twig to me.

She said, "God, come into the kitchen, I'll clean it up,"

"Mutti, there is really no need,"

"In the Kitchen. NOW,"

_**Kitchen**_

_**10 minute later**_

_**Suffering Mutti's idea of First Aid**_

"Mutti, having plasters over my nose prevents me from breathing. Which happens to be an essential thing, if I like living. Which I do,"

She said, "So who were you fighting this time?"

How does she know I was very nearly in a fight?? Has she been spying on me?? Freaky Bananas!

I said, innocently, "Huh? Fight? Me? Of course not,"

"Dave, your nose was covered in blood. I know you have been fighting, I am not thick. Is it that kid with the big mouth again?"

I said, "No, it was a bush,"

She said, putting on the concerned mum voice, "Dave, you don't need to cover up for them. We will have to phone the police, they can't do that to you,"

Unbelievable! I said, "Mutti, a) I am not scared of Mark Big Gob, and a) sub-section 2) in fact, I think he is scared of me and b) I am telling the truth,"

She said, "You tell me their names and I will get the phone,"

"MUTTI! For the love of pants! I have not been fighting, I got pushed into a bush by my so called best mate and a twig went up my nose. End of,"

She said, "Oh, I'm sorry; it's just that I care about you,"

"I know you do, Mutti. It's bloody annoying,"

"Don't say bloody,"

"Ok, Mutti, I'm bloody sorry,"

I thought she was going to have a nervy B at the very least at me, but she went all sad and stuff, "Your dad hasn't come back yet,"

I said, "Where is he?"

She said, "He said he was working late,"

"And?"

"It's past midnight,"

"And?"

"He's working late and it's past midnight,"

Oh God. I am not in the mood for miserable Elderly Loons. I said, "Then he will be working late. Mutti, you worry far too much,"

She said, "I know, that is why I got upset when I thought someone had beaten you up. You don't understand how worried I get when you are out at all hours. It doesn't seem that long ago you were tiny and going to bed at seven at night,"

Oh, no! Save me from the 'how did my little boy get so big' talk.

And sure enough she said, "How did my little boy get so big?"

I said, "I did this amazing thing, you see. It may be lost knowledge to you, seeing as it happened to you about three centauries ago. I grew,"

_**My Bedroom**_

_**5 minutes later**_

Apparently, I am bloody cheeky and a waste of space and a good-for-nothing self centred watsit. She is so complimentary.

_**2 minutes later**_

I can hear her pacing around downstairs. Turning lights on and off. She is so worried about Vati it is unbelievable. He said he is working late so he is working late.

Isn't he?

_**1 minute later**_

I do feel sort of sorry for Mutti. She isn't Ma'am Bright Pants at the moment. I would care. But all my caring is used up on myself.

_**5 minutes later**_

A quick résumé of my fabulous night:

a) I came across Kittykat and her gang grooving on the dance floor. So I started off the twist and we all twisted and it was larks unbounded.

b) Our beloved Handbag Entrepreneur came over and unfortunately, as I am not a paid up member of Handbags Weekly, he got in a huff and humpty with me. Especially since I was dancing with his girlfriend. Which I have rights to, seeing as she is my bestie girl mate.

c) I asked him whether it was going to develop into fisticuffs at dawn but he is too full of pizza-a-gogo-osity to understand our wondrous language and I had to translate. And it turned out that is exactly what he wanted. Which, to be honest and bear my watsits (Oo-er) is what I have occasionally wanted, too. More than occasionally, truth be known.

d) We went outside and there was a crowd of looker-onners. Probably entranced by my biscuitosity. Then Masimo started prancing around like out of naff movie, fists all raised and that jazz. I was about to take the mick out of him, possibly join in on the fight in proper spirit but Gee shouted "Stop! Stop in the name of PANTS!"

e) And I nearly killed myself laughing. It was all so ridiculous. But the Homosexualist Extraordinaire did not share my amusement. In fact, he looked quite miffed. I had to hurry off before I upset his royal gayness.

_**2 minutes later**_

I wonder why Gee wanted to talk to me for?

_**1 minute later**_

Probably to tell me to keep away from her and her girlfriend.

_**4 minutes later**_

Although, she didn't look angry with me. Maybe she wanted to tell me she has in fact realised that there is no hope in Masimo, as he is lost to the way of the Homosexualist and I am indeedio fit to be her one and only.

Nah, she couldn't have.

Could she?

_**2 minutes later**_

Typico of Gee, thinking she can put me down and pick me up when she wants to. I am not going to go running back to her. She cannot expect me to drop everything for her. I have Emma. My girlfriend. Which Gee isn't. She is last years snog, last weeks love object, and so forth.

_**1 minute later**_

I must stop saying love. I don't love Gee. Even if Tom says I do. What is he: decide-Dave's-life-for-him patrol?

I don't love her. I love Emma. I do.

_**2 minutes later**_

I wonder what Emma is doing?

_**3 minutes later**_

Sleeping, probably. After all, it is nearly half one now. And you don't get gorgey-flawless skin like hers by having wild parties.

Well, I do. But that is not the point. I only do because I am a biscuit.

_**2 minutes later**_

I am a very confused biscuit, as of that. I haven't quite decided whether I would like to be made with chocolate chips or raisins.

Raisins are the healthy option which are good for me.

But chocolate chips are so deliciously tempting.

_**1 minute later**_

Shut up about Gee the Chocolate Chip and Emma the Raisin.

_**5 minutes later**_

It doesn't help matters that I don't actually like raisins. Or fruit in general in fact.

Oh, I lie. I do like strawberries. But you can't make biscuits with strawberries.

Can you?

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh, I am so full of confusiosity (leave it). All I have floating around my head are chocolate chips, raisins and strawberries.

I could have a chocolate coated raisin with strawberry extracts. I don't even know how strawberries come into it. But they do. And-zzzzzzzz.

* * *

**I hope you liked the Biscuit imagery with raisins and chocolate chips, lol. I am so utterly knackered but wanted to get this up tonight, not that I wrote this tonight, I wrote it a couple of nights ago, actually, because the whole of this fic was originally going to be in Davish. I wrote Georgia's side today.**

**Is my Dave-speak ok?? **


	6. Gee: Snogging over a Frog

**I've been figuring out the plot to this today. I had all the ideas but I didn't know which order they came in. But what I do is I cut out loads of squares of paper; write all the ideas down and then blue tack them onto the wall in order. Takes forever, but it's worth it!!**

**Anyway, the plot is sussed!!**

**That is a really good point made there, Kyramy. I don't know whether he does know 'Mutti'. I mean, I presume he does German because of their German fight but hmmm. Begs the question doesn't it? But I'll just leave it and pretend he does know, lol. You know, I've even started saying 'Mutti' to my mum. It's because I spend so much time obsessing over Georgia Nicolson. She had a fit at me, thinking I was insulting her. So I did, but in German, mwahahahah. I don't use 'Vati' though, I use 'Vater', but Georgia didn't teach me that one, I knew it ages ago and liked it because it sounds like 'Farter' lol! Endless amusement!!**

**And to everyone! Thanks for reviewing! You made me all vair happy.**

* * *

_**Georgia**_

**Snogging over a Frog**

_**Sunday 18**__**th**__** September**_

_**Bed of Pain**_

_**7.30am**_

It's a Sunday and it is the day of prayer and worshipping and other WUBBI- brillopad things religion-wise

_**3 minutes later**_

So if they listen to me at all, Big G and Baby Jesus must be listening now, mustn't they? Because I have a lot of bargaining to do, luuurve-wise.

_**2 minutes later**_

My Dearest God, please do not take the Italian Stallion away from me. I am only human and I can't handle such trauma. If you send me Masimo back, I promise I will attend church every Sunday from now on. Even if Call-me-Arnold hates me. Because he is a man of God and I respect him with all the respectfulosity of a respectful person and I will suffer his wrath to worship you. I would. That is how serious I am. Amen. Regards as always to Baby Jesus.

_**5 minutes later**_

I even promise not to moan about my nose. As much.

_**4 minutes later**_

Or my eyes, which have basically disappeared from sight as I have been crying that much.

_**6 minutes later**_

My pillow is covered in little mascara stains because I couldn't be bothered to take it off last night.

_**2 minutes later**_

But what, in the name of Giddy God's Pyjamas, is the point of exfoliating and toning if I haven't got a Luuurve God to impress? I haven't even got a Dave the Laugh as he has Emma, his girlfriend.

_**3 minutes later**_

Not that I care.

_**4 minutes later**_

I wonder why he ran off last night?

_**1 minute later**_

You would have thought he would have comforted me at the very least, wouldn't you? Like a matey-type mate. Like he used to.

_**4 minutes later**_

But he can't now. He is going it straight. I bet he was worried Emma would see him.

I really do hope he is not turning into a puppy-dog-type boyfriend.

It's still a shame, his impression of half fool and half Mohammed Ali really made me laugh.

_**3 minutes later**_

Shut up about Dave the Laugh. I must concentrate on a Luuurve God slipping from the hand rather than a laugh in the bush.

_**2 minutes later**_

Which he was quite literally last night. Hahahaha.

_**4 minutes later**_

Even in such pooinosity he makes me laugh.

_**2 minutes later**_

The pooinosity being the Masimo-type Humpty fiasco. _Merde_.

_**5 minutes later**_

He probably hates me now. He probably is sitting at his Brekkie table, drinking Italian Coffee and hating me.

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh, that is not right, is it?

_**3 minutes later**_

The Italian Stallion would never have a Brekkie Table. He would have something vair, vair more groovy and sophis than that. Like a squashy leather sofa and low glass coffee table. Like you see in tip-top cafés. Because he is a Luuurve God and he has these things.

A Luuurve God that is no longer mine.

_**4 minutes later**_

He can't have broken up with me. He can't have. Doesn't he understand that Dave the Laugh is nothing more than a matey-type mate fandango to me? That he, Masimo, is my one true luuurve? And that I would quite possibly die of heart break if he doesn't come back?

_**3 minutes later**_

Although it would not be hard to die of heart break, knowing how much my heart has been ripped and stabbed during the years.

_**5 minutes later**_

I might as well lie in my bed of pain and die here.

_**2 minutes later**_

Angus came into my room. He tried to jump up onto my bed and leapt into the wardrobe instead. And I don't mean into it, I mean into the door. Which he attacked, thinking it leapt out at him.

I really do hope his tail heals soon, as I could not cope if he was stuck as a Backwards Cat.

Still, he is trying his hardest to be his old (mad) self. It is a lesson to us all.

_**6 minutes later**_

I don't know what of.

_**2 minutes later**_

Actually, I do. It means to keep going against all the odds. Angus pulled himself out from the edge of flying to the big Kittykat Basket in the Sky. I am going to follow his example, gird my loins and pull myself from the edge of the Nunnery.

_**4 minutes later**_

I am going to phone Masimo. And tell him everything, in a mature and sophisticated way.

_**By the Phone**_

_**10 minutes later**_

I can't pluck up the couraginosity to do it. What about if he slams the phone down on me? Or shouts at me? I really couldn't bear it if he shouts at me.

_**4 minutes later**_

Just staring at the phone. Go on Georgia do it!!

_**5 minutes later**_

I very nearly phoned him. I picked up the phone and started dialling his number. But then I got a fit of the Heebie Jeebies and slammed the phone down.

_**1 minute later**_

_Merde_.

_**6 minutes later**_

Right. I am going to gird my loins and eschew my afraidinosity with a firm hand and phone him.

_**2 minutes later**_

Phones ringing. Still ringing and-

"_Ciao?"_

I slammed the phone down. What's wrong with me?

_**5 minutes later**_

He probably thinks I am a prank caller as well as a crap girlfriend. Poo.

_**3 minutes later**_

Or crap non-girlfriend. Double Poo.

_**4 minutes later**_

Phone Rang!! I nearly fell over rushing to get it.

"_Ciao_!"

"Err, _Ciao_, Georgia?"

It was Jas.

I said, "Oh, it's you,"

She said, "And you're you too,"

I said, "I know I am me, stop being irritating,"

"Fine then!"

"Fine,"

"I won't,"

"Good,"

There was some silence. I said, "Jas, what are you doing?"

She said, "Not being irritating,"

I said, "Wrong, Jas. You are being incredibly irritating. Are you flicking your fringe?"

She said, "I might be,"

I put the phone down on her. That would teach her to phone me when I thought it was an Italian Stallion.

_**1 minute later**_

Jas phoned again. I said, "What do you want now, Fringey?"

She said, "Don't call me that,"

I said, "Listen Jas, I am waiting for him to phone,"

She said, "Him?"

Honestly, she is such a dim pally sometimes.

I said, "Him, Jas, Him. The only him in the universe,"

She said, "Oh, Masimo,"

I said, "Yes, Masimo,"

She said, "So he hasn't phoned?"

I said, "He could be trying to phone now,"

"Oh,"

"Yes, oh, indeedy,"

Jas was sucking something. Then she said, "Should I go then?"

I said, "Yes, you should,"

She said, "Ok,"

I said, "Bye, Jas,"

"Bye,"

Honestly, I should get a medal for dealing with her.

_**10.00am**_

_**Bed of Pain, Again**_

I sat by the phone waiting for Masimo to ring but Mutti told me to go away because she wanted to call her sad mates. And that is the selfishiosity of her life.

_**3 minutes later**_

Maybe Masimo didn't want to phone me back.

Maybe he has had enough of me.

_**2 minutes later**_

I HATE life. I am going to have to become a high flying lesbian. Masimo still has the ultimate humpty with me. Even Dave the Laugh isn't an option any more. As he has Emma.

_**5 minutes later**_

Shut up about Dave the Laugh. He is not in this fandango.

_**10.30am**_

Door bell rang. I heard Vati loon off to get it. I had my head buried under my quilt so I couldn't hear who it was.

And then my door opened. I just stayed hidden under my quilt and I didn't know who it was. It was probably Jas, apologising about her fringy antics.

And then a voice said, "_Ciao_, Georgia,"

I shot up in bed like two sort shooting things.

It was the Luuurve God.

In my bedroom.

My Reeves and Mortimer Nuddy-Pants Posters on display.

And I was in my teletubby jim jams.

Oh my Giddy God!!

_**11.00pm**_

I officially Luuurve Life! Yes, yes and three times Yessssss!!

_**5 minutes later**_

Masimo came around to apologise for last night. He said that he'd over reacted and there was nothing really going on with me and Dave. That he can see we are just matey-type mates. And that I was his beautiful girlfriend and nothing would change that.

_**2 minutes later**_

He even said I was his beautiful girlfriend and I was still wearing my teletubby pyjamas. And I had mascara all down my face from yesterday.

_**3 minutes later**_

He sat on the edge of my bed, stroking my hair as he told me all that. A Luuurve God, on my bed, stroking my hair! Blimey O'Reily's Pantaloons. Oh, I love him so much. I do, I do.

_**4 minutes later**_

And he kissed me. It was just a little number four but it was fabby to be attached to his mouth again. He didn't seem to mind that my nose was swollen from all my weeping.

He said, "Ah, no more crying, _Cara_. All is _bello_. We shall be on, how you say, Cloud _Nove_. It shall be good, _sí_?"

I said, "_Sí_. I am so sorry about Dave trying to fight you, I was only dancing with him as a matey-type mate,"

He said, "No, I am the sorry person. _Mi dispiace_, I got, how you say, the green eyed monster. He is just your friend. It is nice, you are a good girl and you have many friends. Many mad friends,"

I said, "Yes, we are all friendy friendy friendy, _sí_, mad as mad things on mad tablets,"

And Masimo said, "And you are, how you say, the mad girlfriend,"

Ooooh, I'm his mad girlfriend!!

_**3 minutes later**_

Masimo is going to take me out to have an Italian Coffee. How brillopads with knobs is that? Vair, vair brillopads with knobs. I am so happy I think if I leapt out the window I would fly. Not that I am going to leap out the window.

_**1 minute later**_

He went downstairs while I got dressed. I had to be quick before he was attacked by Il Minestrone.

_**2 minutes later**_

I went for natural make up. Foundation, Lip gloss, eye shadow, blusher, eye liner and a lot of foundation to cover up my sore red eyes.

And heaps of mascara.

_**3 minutes later**_

My hair has obtained elephant poo qualities again. Merde. I put it up in a quirky bun to try and hide the fact that I looked a mess.

Even though Masimo saw me looking a mess in my bed. But he said I was his beautiful girlfriend. Yessssss.

_**7 minutes later**_

I rushed down stairs when I was ready. Masimo was in the living room and Vati was interrogating him about Rome. Vati had his feet up on the coffee table in what I think he thought of fondly as a lax and caz way. It wasn't. It made him look like a lazy porky man with his feet up on the table. Which he is.

I said, "Oh, quick Masimo, we must escape before he thinks he is the mafia," and dragged him by the hand out the front door. I think Masimo was a bit shocked at me man handling him (Oo-er!), but he took it well. After all, it is for his own good.

_**3 minutes later**_

Masimo had his Scooter on the path and we went over to it. He put the spare helmet on me and then he snogged me again (number 5). He really is a great kisser. He was running his hands through my hair and talking in Italian to me. Obviously when he took a breath. Not talking into my mouth, because that would be odd. I went jelloid times a billion.

_**4 minutes later**_

When he stopped he said, "We shall go to a good Italian Café. They make coffee just like they do in Rome. Maybe one day, you can come to Rome yourself, sí?"

Oh Poo! Not this again. But I said, "Sí,"

He said, "How is your _gati_?"

I said, "Oh, Angus is as fine as two fine things in fine land. His tail is a bit broken though and he keeps walking into things. But at least he is not a backwards cat,"

Masimo said, "Your cat walks backwards into things?"

Oh, poo! International romance is vair, vair tiring. Luckily, Angus decided to try leap up the fence (having escaped from his imprisonment inside) and leapt straight into a lamp post instead.

Masimo looked a bit shocked and said, "Is he Ok?"

I said, "Oh, don't worry, tough as old boots, our Angus. He's Scottish, you know,"

Masimo said, "Ah,"

We were about to get onto his scooter but who should come walking down the street except Dave the Laugh.

_Merde_. I quickly looked at Masimo but he didn't seem bothered. I hope he isn't getting second thoughts about what he said about me being matey-type mates with Dave. I will have to show him we are just mates. And also show Dave that me and Masimo are proper girlfriend-boyfriend fandangos. Not that Dave will mind, as he has Emma.

He looked a bit moody though, as it happened. But when I called over, "Hi, Dave," he grinned at me, but then shot a nervous-type look at Masimo. But Masimo was smiling so all was good.

Dave said, coming over "Hey, Gee, _Ciao_, Masimo, you two lovebirds grooving?"

I said, "Yep, as groovy as two groovy things on groove tablets," perfect, mate-speak..

Masimo said, "_Sí_, we are, how you say, _molto bueno_,"

Ah! Fabby! We are all mates here. No worries about another fisticuffs. Because me and Dave are matey-mates and Masimo and Dave are matey-mates. And it's like a mate fest!!

Dave said, "Anyway, I must pop off home, I have lost a raisin and don't want to be tempted with chocolate chips,"

What in the name of pantaloons is he on about? Whatever it is, he will be the last to know. Still he makes me laugh. In a matey type way. I just looked at him, in what I hoped was an ironic way.

Masimo smiled at him, "Ah, _sí_, me and my _bellisimo_ girlfriend, are just going _a Buenos, mi dispiace, scusi_, to good Italian café and they do _favoloso _drinks with the chocolate. You must go see one time. We will be going, now, _arrivederci_, mate," and he helped me up onto the back of the scooter and revved it up.

He said to me, "Hold on tight, _Cara_,"

Dave said, "S'laters. You two have a nice time then," and walked off. He did say the last bit a bit weirdly but I didn't have time to think because Masimo drove off.

_**3 minutes later**_

We drove through the town again. It was brilliant driving around with him. I snuggled properly into his waist instead of holding his shoulders. All the girls we passed were staring at me enviously. I have got, quite possibly, the most gorgey boyfriend in town. And he is all miney miney mine!!

_**5 minutes later**_

We stopped outside a really romantico looking café and Masimo parked the Scooter outside. It was on double yellow lines and I don't think that's legal, but who cares? Live and let live, that is what I say.

The host seemed to know Masimo quite well, and they talked in Pizza-a-gogo-nese for a bit. I couldn't understand what they were saying but it sounded beautiful. Even though the host could be saying to Masimo, "Who's the bird?"

It didn't matter because I was with Masimo and I was on top of the world!!

Eventually the host said, "Ah, so, table for two, is it,"

I said, "Um, _sí, grazie_,"

And the host laughed and said, "Ah, then come most _bellisimo_ lady,"

Even the host called me beautiful. This is why I luuurve the Pizza-a-gogo nese. They are so honest.

He led us to a table for two and pulled a seat out for me. I felt like I was in a movie or something. Everything was so perfect.

_**3 minutes later**_

Masimo ordered a type of Coffee-flavoured Sundae watsit to share. _Trés_ Romantico, but I haven't done sharsies before. I didn't want to eat too much and seem greedy and make him hungry. But I didn't want to make it look like I didn't like it. Oh my Giddy God, I am having a spaz attack.

Then I had the flash of the watsit, and took some ice creamy stuff in my spoon and put it near his mouth. He got it immediately and we started sort-of feeding each other with the ice cream. It was so romantic. I bet they do this all the time in Pizza-a-gogo Land. I bet no one feeds themselves, they just feed each other. Because they are such passionate types.

_**6.30pm**_

My new address is:

Miss Georgia Nicolson

25 Fab Street

Fabton

Fabishire

Fabland

_**2 minutes later**_

Me and Masimo even did over the table snogging. Like they do in films. And I had everything, fireworks the lot. It was brillopads with knobs.

_**5 minutes later**_

I phoned up Jas.

Jas said, "Hello?"

I said, "Jas! Masimo came round!"

Jas said, "Has he dumped you?"

Oh dear. Relapse on the crap pal front.

I said, "No, dearest Jazzy Spazzy. He said he was sorry for over-reacting and he took me to an Italian Café. And we did over the table snogging. Have you done over the table snogging, Jas?"

Jas said, "No, but I have done over a log snogging,"

I said, "I don't want to know about you and Tom snogging over a frog,"

Jas said, "No, I said log not frog,"

I said, "Logs, frogs and dogs. Same things,"

Jas said, "Not really,"

I said, "They are in the eyes of Luuurve. I.e. Stupid. Tatty bye!"

And I hung up.

_**6 minutes later**_

After we were at the café we went to the park. And we sat down underneath some trees and kissed again. I cannot imagine kissing anyone else. He is the best kisser ever.

_**5 minutes later**_

Well, actually, Dave the Laugh still holds the pants when it comes to snogging. He is the King of Nip Libbling. Shut up about Dave the Laugh. He is Emma's nip libbler, not mine.

_**2 minutes later**_

I wonder what number they have got up to? Erlack.

_**4 minutes later**_

I also wonder why he looked moody earlier? But he cheered up when he saw me. Which is good, because I don't like Dave the Unlaugh, even in a matey-type way.

_**3 minutes later**_

I wonder what he meant by raisins and chocolate chips? Hee hee, he sounded a bit like he was talking about poo there. He does make me laugh.

_**1 minute later**_

In a mate-type way of course. Because I have my gorgey Italian Stallion! Yessssss!

I turned on my music really loud and did a bit of mad dancing to it.

_**5 minutes later**_

I was practicing my accomplished Backing Dancing moves when the Portly One yelled up, "Georgia, turn that bloody racket off,"

Honestly, he is so crude.

I said, "_Non_, Vati, because I am mad dancing!"

He shouted, "More like stomping around like an elephant!"

I said, "I am a vair, vair happy elephant as of that, I would be like Dumbo and fly with my ears, I am that truly happy,"

_**10 minutes later**_

Typico. Because I said I was happy for once, Vati wanted to come up and talk about 'feelings'. I swear he is on the turn. He is like a badger on the turn, just chubbier.

He said, "So, what are you and this Italian Lad like,"

I said, "Vati, that is none of your business,"

Vati said, "Yes, it is. I saw you and Mas snogging outside, what number?"

I said, "Erlack! Vati! Go away! Just because you are too old to snog, doesn't mean I can't,"

_**1 minute later**_

Hang about a cotton picking moment! How in the name of Richard the Lionhearts codpiece does Vati know about the snogging scale?!

_**4 minutes later**_

I went downstairs, "Vati, how do you know about the snogging scale?!"

He said, "The Snogging Scale?! What in the name of arse is that?"

I said, "You said 'what number' meaning what number on the snogging scale did you get to!"

Vati said, "No, I meant what number snog was that?"

I said, "Huh?"

_**10 minutes later**_

Turns out Vati and his crap mates used to count how many times they snogged someone. It is ludicrously sad and naff. Who counts how many times you snog someone? _Was ist der_ point? But then again, it may have been easy for El Beardo and his lardy lads as I bet they have only had three snogs in their the whole of their teenager hood. I, on the other hand, have snogged more times than I can count. I am a Sex Kitty of first waters.

But obviously I didn't say that to Vati.

_**3 minutes later**_

Vati said, "So what is this 'Snogging Scale'?"

I said, "Hahahaha," and ran up to my room.

_**5 minutes later**_

Phew! That was a close one! If I had to describe the wonder of nip libbling, ear snogging and neck nuzzling to Vati, I would die.

_**6 minutes later**_

Which would be a shame since I am going out with an Italian Stallion! Who doesn't have a huff mobile! How Marvy is that?! I'll tell you, it is entering into the world of The Nearly Very Marvy and Fabby.

_**11.00pm**_

I have Libby snuggled into my bed next to me. She is vair, vair nippy noodles. But she has been at the house of the Elderly Insane again.

I think she has been sitting in a fridge, her botty is that cold.

_**6 minutes later**_

I have a leg of Scuba Diving Barbie sticking up my bum Oley and Mr. Fish is sing 'Maybe it's beCOD I'm a Londoner' next to me. Wriggling like something that is alive. Erlack.

I tried to move them but Libby slapped my hands and said, "No, bad boy," and went to sleep again.

_**8 minutes later**_

I am so tired. Being a Boy Entrancing Magnet is vair, vair tuckering indeedy. And I must go to sleep so I look gorgey for my Italian Stallion.

This is Sex Kitty signing off. Good Night, world.

* * *

**Ah, there we go. I hope I am still in Georgia's style, it's hard trying to figure out the plot of Dave and Georgia's together, as the plot was originally just based around Dave and I've Incorperated Georgia. And now, off to the Davester!!**


	7. Dave: I'll Fetch the Straight Jacket

**And to Dave's side! I hope you like. Xx**

* * *

_**Dave**_

**I'll Fetch the Straight Jacket**

_**Sunday June 18**__**th**_

_**9.00am**_

Woke up from a dream in which I had grown my very own nunga nungas. But it was in fact Patch who had decided to fall asleep on my chest.

I am surprised she could haul herself up onto my bed. She is quite possibly the most over weight kittykat I have ever seen. She is like the Slim of the cat world.

I tried to shift her, but it was useless. She is far too heavy. I was pinned to my bed by her awesome flabbiness.

I said, "Come on, Patch, up you get, you should be hunting and laying waste to the wild life population,"

She just looked at me with one blue eye. I don't think she even knows what a vole is. Which makes her a reject of kittykat kind.

_**2 minutes later**_

In the end I had to bribe her. She may not know what a vole is but she knows what the word 'food' means.

_**4 minutes later**_

Life comes to something when you have to share your brekkie with a kittykat. I cut my toast in halves and gave Patch one, for as much as I love my over-sized chummy, I draw the line at having cat lick on my food. I don't think kittykats should eat toast but it has never stopped Patch.

_**2 minutes later**_

Un-flipping-believable! I got up to pour myself a cup of coffee and I came back only to find Patch had stolen my slice of toast!!

I said, "Would you like to wash that down with my coffee?"

She licked her lips. I have no idea what it is, but something is seriously missing in her mad cat brain. Something that says 'thou shalt not steal'. Or the uncontrollable urge to kill voles.

_**1 minute later**_

Phone Rang. Maybe it is Georgia? Well, if she has indeedy decided that I am her only laugh in the horizon I am gong to have to put my foot down like Pants of led. I will have to say that she cannot tempt me with her chocolate chips. Because I am on a diet. Brilliant.

Actually, I may as well be. After I had a cup of black coffee (no milk in sight, guess who drank it) and a nibble of toast. Patch is forcing me to be anorexic. It is all her mad cat plan for world domination. Starve me and turn me into a heap of bones and then she can push me around and make me fetch her snacks all day.

I answered the phone, "Hello? The Vati is on air,"

"Oh, hi, Davey! Nice time at the gig?"

It was Emma.

"Yep, fanks, Emma, did you have a nice time not at the gig?"

No need to mention the nearly fisticuffs.

She laughed, "Yeah, me and Nancy had a whale of a time, we were doing each others nails, I would have asked you to come but I don't think it was your thing,"

I said, "It might be,"

She said, "No it isn't. I would be quite scared if it was. It would make you-"

"Gorgy?"

"No, a practicing transvestite,"

And I laughed and she laughed and it was like… a laughing fest!!

I said, "Shame, shame, I guess you would not like to compare lip glosses then?"

She said, "Of course not. I have more than enough for two,"

Oo-er.

I said, "Oo-er, Emma, you dreadful minx, will I be sampling them?"

She said, "You might, do you fancy going out anywhere?"

I said, "I'll swing by yours in half an hour, make sure your nungas are protected adequately, it looks vair, vair nippy noodles, out there,"

She said, "Vair? I've heard that before, who was it who says vair?-"

I said, "Oh, it's like, um, Polish for very,"

I have no idea whether it is or not. I just said it.

She said, "Oh, ok- oh, fabby-sticks, my mum's telling me to get off the phone, I may have wasted a penny. I'll see you later,"

"S'later,"

"Love you,"

"Love you too,"

"Love you more,"

Oh Good Grief.

_**2 minutes later**_

Spiky hair, spiky hair. My hair is a lot better now it is that bit longer. Looks at lot cooler, or that is what I like to think.

Nah, I think it does. I am far too modest for my own good. It is truthfully most definitely biscuitish. Even though it does take about half a tub of gel to get it to stay up.

I hope Emma doesn't decide to run her hands through my hair again. She might never get them out.

_**5 minutes later**_

I am wearing my green t shirt. With the slogan 'I know I'm SEXY' written on the front and 'But please don't STARE' on the back. I don't normally go for green but I do luuurve this T. It's so me.

_**3 minutes later**_

Ouch!! Ouch! Ouch!

I had to tear the plasters off my nose. I could not go and see Emma like a plaster monster who can't breathe properly. She would never tolerate that. The raisin type folk are like that, they don't like that rebelish look.

_**12 minutes later**_

Swung by Emma's. I opened the gate and Spot her GIGANTIBUS Dalmatian came hurtling out like he has got a firework up his bum Oley. He leapt at me and bull dozed me onto a flower bed. And just pinned me down, breathing his pingy pongoes dog breath in my face. Erlack! What is it with girls and scary pets? Georgia and her two insane kittykats are no better.

Shut up about Georgia.

Then Emma came hurrying out, "Oh my God, Dave, are you ok?? Get off him, Spot, down boy!"

I said, "I am already down,"

She just looked at me. Sometimes I don't think she appreciates my humouriosity (stop it, stop it now).

_**Park**_

_**10.30am**_

Walking around the park with Emma. It's quite nice; really, it's a bit empty, no rowdy crowds playing footie or Junior Blunder Boys cat calling. It may be because it is nippy noodles and they are all hibernating. They do not do brave things, and that is why they will never succeed at life.

Actually Emma was shivering a bit, because she was wearing one of those sleeveless tops. What is she like? I did tell her to cover up her nungas.

I said, putting my coat over her shoulders, "Oy, missus, I said cover up your nungas. I don't want them getting frost bite and falling off,"

She laughed and snuggled into my coat. Unfortunately, I am now frozen solid. But ah well, I am a gentleman of highest orders, that is what I like to think.

She said, "I like your T shirt, Dave. 'I know I'm SEXY but please don't STARE'. So I am not allowed to mentally undress you?"

I said, "Oo-er, Emma, you even out do me naughtinosity-wise. Soon you'll be making cheeky references to my trouser snake,"

She said, "Well,"

I said, "Don't even go there, madam minx,"

She is quite fun to be around, like relaxed and not up tight. Which is nice. Chronically annoying at times, but nice.

Especially as my history has been a persistent stammerer and an over-keen tom boy. And a user. Who's name I shall not mention this side of the grave.

_**2 minutes later**_

Although we don't have much of a larf-type laugh with each other. It is a proper girlfriend-boyfriend type fandango. Not really matey as well. All we really do is talk and snog. We don't act silly or joke around and have a laugh.

_**20 minutes later**_

Eventually, we stopped doing a walk-and-talk and sat down on a bench underneath some trees and sat snuggled up. It really is Arctic conditions out here. We were virtually a pair of penguins snuggled up. Minus the feathers and beaks.

Emma said, "Blimey, you're cold. You are like an ice cube,"

I said, "Well, I had to give _someone_ my coat encase they got pneumonia of the nunga,"

She laughed and sort of nuzzled into my shoulder. And then she just looked at me. She has got really pretty blue eyes. With little grey flecks in them.

I said, "Oh, come here, you gorgey thing," and leant in and snogged her.

_**2 minutes later**_

Emma is a pretty good snogger. Not as good as Gee but- shut up! I refuse to allow you to leap into my head whilst I am snogging my girlfriend, you Kittykat-Tart. I am just going to focus on Emma and only Emma and heed the call of the specific horn. Which is directed to Emma.

_Mais Oui._

I could sort of sense her hands slowly creeping up to my hair. Why she has such an obsession with my hair I'll never know. It could end up as one of the Great Wanders of the World. Not wonders, you see, wanders, as in her hands always wander up to my hair. I really wish they didn't. I don't want her thinking my hair is like a damp potato chip, with the amount of gel I have in it.

So to distract the great wanderer, I gently took her face in my hands (blocking her arms as I did so) and nibbled her lips. It worked because she went sort of limp and moany and the hands drifted back down. I should work anyway, because Gee seems to really like it when I do that- oh ShutupShutupShutup.

Georgia Nicolson is not going to leave me alone, is she? Even in spirit. She is haunting me, watching what I get up to. I can hear her say 'Oo-er,' in my head. Shut up, Georgia; flash your red bottom somewhere else. Oh, brill, I am having a conversation with a minx in my head whilst snogging my girlfriend. I really am getting bad.

I hate being like this. You know, thinking about Georgia while Emma should be my one and only.

I suddenly realised that we had stopped snogging. I said, "Cor! Excellent Snogging, Emma, vair, vair good,"

Ooops. Completely wrong thing to say. She went all horrified and stiffened. Like a scared sheep. I hadn't suddenly turned blue had I?

She said, "I know where that 'vair' comes from. It isn't Polish,"

I said, "Ah, Dutch then, I always get my Europeans mixed up,"

She said, "No, it's from Georgia,"

I said, "Oh, um, she must take Dutch then,"

She said, "Dave, I am not stupid. I know full well you picked it up from her, and I know full well you like her,"

Oh, pants.

_**Home**_

_**Midday**_

Well that went well. Not.

_**5 minutes later**_

I am, according to Emma, a horrible, disloyal, evil snake-in-the-grass, who feels it is acceptable to thrust myself willy nilly and ad hoc at any girl that comes around.

But amazingly I was not ditched; I was under probation relation-ship wise. But I told her I'd rather finish it. Let us face facts. It has not been working out ticketty boo and all smiles in the pants-department. In fact, it has been like tip toeing over rocks. Very damp rocks and I kept slipping. And falling in the rock pool of life where she went ballisiticisimus at me. Which is wrong because I have been on best behaviour for the past months. I have not snogged Georgia for, oh, forty nine days. And yes, I have been counting.

_**1 minute later**_

Has it really been that long?

_**3 minutes later**_

Emma got all upset when she realised I am breaking up with her. I cannot believe she honestly thinks that she can constantly shout at me and I will still luuurve her. It puts terrible strain on us, relationship wise.

But by far the biggest strain is the Georgia strain. If truth is to be known and I think it shall be, Tom is a tinsy winsy bit right about me loving her. Maybe more than a tinsy winsy bit.

_**2 minutes later**_

I came clean to Emma about Georgia. I had to. Because I hate lying to her. And keeping secrets. And cheating. Because it makes me a horrible person and I don't want to be a horrible person.

Emma just looked like I'd hit her after I told her. I felt really, really bad. But it had to be done.

Then she said, "Do you know what? You are about the most nasty person I have ever known,"

And stalked off. Leaving me all aloney on my owny on a park bench. With some blunder boys laughing at me. I duffed them up. It made me feel a bit better. But only a bit.

_**3 minutes later**_

So now I am all aloney. On my owny.

I HATE being the youngest kid. Since Chris and Jodie decided to bugger off and have their own lives, it has been so boring at home. There is no one to annoy apart from Mutti and Vati. But they just dock my pocket money when I do.

_**2 minutes later**_

Now even dangling a sausage just out of Patches reach has lost it's charm.

_**3 minutes later**_

I do sort of miss Chris. I don't miss Jodie at all. But I do miss Chris. He was ok as far as big brothers go. He used to let me drive his car, anyway. Well, until I crashed it that is. And so he put his foot down and banned me from driving it.

_**6 minutes later**_

And to make matters a billion times worse, I was heading home and I walked past Georgia's house, (strictly en route) and she was getting on the back of the Italian Homosexualist's scooter.

She saw me and waved and said, "Hi, Dave,"

I looked at Masimo to see if he was giving me the look of death. After all, I'd rather not be beaten to death with handbags. But he actually seemed quite cheery.

I said, "Hey, Gee, _Ciao_, Masimo, you two lovebirds grooving?"

Georgia said, "Yep, as groovy as two groovy things on groove tablets,"

I do love the way she speaks. Although I wish it didn't stick in my head.

Masimo said, "_Sí_, we are, how you say, _molto bueno_,"

What? What does he mean? I honestly do not understand a word he says. It must be hard for Gee to have to put up with such pants. Someone foreign would drive me up the wall.

But I didn't want to accused of insulting handbagdom so I said, "Anyway, I must pop off home, I have lost a raisin and don't want to be tempted with chocolate chips,"

Georgia just looked at me. I just looked back and our eyes sort of met and-

The Handbag Entrepreneur decided to ruin it with, "Ah, _sí_, me and my _bellisimo_ girlfriend, are just going _a Buenos, mi dispiace, scusi_, to good Italian café and they do _favoloso _drinks with the chocolate. You must go see one time. We will be going, now, _arrivederci_, mate," and he smiled at me like I was really his mate. I wanted to hit him.

He said to Gee, "Hold on tight, _Cara_," and she looked at him all adoringly. It was so sad. It made me feel pretty weird.

_**7 minutes later**_

Maybe someone should tell him her name is not 'Cara' it is Georgia.

And yes, it did take me seven minutes to think of that. I am frustrated and my brain does not kick in on a Sunday until gone five o'clock. A lot has happened the last two days. Far outside the Valley of Usual Pants and- oh, I must and will have sugar.

_**5 minutes later**_

No Sugar. Nothing to eat. Nothing edible I mean. I had to look into the cereals. There was only Weetabix left. Which I cannot stand, as it looks and tastes like someone has already eaten it but it disagreed with them.

_**30 seconds later**_

Cracked it. I poured hot chocolate powder into it. Tastes like a hot chocolate now. Oh, I am a genius.

_**2 minutes later**_

I was about to vanish upstairs but Patch came waddling in. She is really reaching an alarming size. She sniffed around my legs hopefully.

I said, "Oy, fat kittykat, this is mine, people food, not kittykat food, although it may resemble it,"

She looked at me with her big blue eyes and said, "Meow?"

_**1 minute later**_

I am feeding my cat Chocolate Weetabix. With a spoon. No wonder I am a bit on the short side if my cat always eats my food.

I said to Patch, "If I end up a dwarf I am holding you personally responsible,"

She just purred at me. I think she thinks I am joking. I am not.

She is nice though. We only got her a few months ago. I found her. I was walking home from school and she was just sitting on the pavement. So as I went past, I bent down and stroked her, as you do, if it is stray and diseased and bites you, then it's a few days bunking off school vis-à-vis rabies. And she kept following me. And I could not get her to leave me alone. So in the end I just took her back. Mutti threw a nervy B and said she was feral and could have all sorts. But she said we would have to keep her and make 'lost cat found' posters. Which was the dimmest idea of first waters because no one replied. And even if they did, Patch would not have gone. She was having a grooving time, eating everything in sight. I honestly do not know how she survived as a stray. She probably dressed up as a pigeon and begged bread off Elderly Loons. The whole thing is mind boggling.

So we kept her and she just grew and grew and grew.

_**3 minutes later**_

Mutti and Vati came in. They saw me feeding Patch and Vati said, "No wonder that cat is so bloody fat, with the amount of stuff you feed it,"

Mutti said, "Is that coco powder you poured in there?"

I said, "Yes,"

She said, "Dave! That is not for eating! Or feeding to the cat! It is for drinking,"

I said, "Well if you actually brought something to eat, then maybe I wouldn't have to,"

Vati said, nosing through the cupboards, "The boy is right; there isn't anything to eat. You need to do the shopping,"

Mutti had a spaz attack, "I NEED TO DO THE SHOPPING?? I NEED TO?! Why don't you?! There's a thought, why don't you do the bloody shopping?"

I said, putting down the spoon, much to Patch's disappointment, "Why don't you two bloody shut up?"

They both said together, "DON'T SAY BLOODY!"

I mumbled out of ear wigging range, "Hypocrites,"

But they didn't hear me, Mutti carried on, "Yes, you can do the shopping, do something useful, instead of playing around,"

"I was not playing around, I had to work late, I keep telling you!"

"Work late, my arse!"

Honestly, it is like watching the Jeremy Kyle show in this house. Unfortunately there is no Jeremy to calm them down. Only me. And as I do not want to be a TV Relationship Guru (and no way in God's Beard am I giving Hornmeister advice to my Elderly Loons) I took the best option and slunk out the house.

_**5 minutes later**_

Popped into town. Brought a packet of crisps. It is nice to have some food to myself for once. Rather than having to go halves with a cat.

Yum, yum.

_**10 minutes later**_

This town is like a ghost town. I think I even saw some tumble weed tumble past. You can practically hear the eerie cowboy music. The high street is dead. There is absolutely no one here. It's quite freaky actually.

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh, I lie. Here comes Sven yodelling up the street with Rosie on his back like a furry back pack. I would luuurve to know where they get all that fur from. So I can get some. Plenty of laughs for free there.

He said, "Oh, ja, we go and kill the fish and then make hats and you may be best man, ja?"

He was wearing a truly spectacular pair of sequinned flares.

I said, "Sven, may I tell you how I am admiring your amazing fashion sense?"

Rosie said, "I know, isn't he gorgey?"

And then I noticed she was wearing a fake furry monobrow. I could not stop laughing.

She said, "Dave I get the horrible feeling you are laughing at my misfortune in the looks department. I may need to get my beard on, to help me think," and she put on her fake beard. Truly, truly bonkers.

I said, "I am sorry Rosie, but I cannot help but to laugh at silliness,"

She looked at me, cross armed, like a bearded loon with one eyebrow and said, "Dave, are you suggesting I look silly?"

I ended up laughing like a loon. Still I needed a good laugh.

The Sven said, "Oh, ja, you ride and we gallop," and he picked me up and sped off down the high street with Rosie clinging to his neck and me over his shoulder. I question his sanity.

_**5 minutes later**_

We galloped full throttle to the park and stopped by some trees. Then Sven lifted me up to his face and kissed me on both cheeks (Erlack!) and said, "Ja, little birdy, you fly back to your nest now, ja," and put me up in a tree. Then sped off. In his mad Danish brain, I am half laugh half bird.

_**1 minute later**_

Does half bird mean I'm half girl? I don't want to be a hermaphrodite.

_**4 minutes later**_

I am still stuck in the tree. I cannot be bothered to climb down because I would only end up getting another twig up my nostrils.

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh lovely jubbly. The Blunder Boys and my chum Mark Big Gob have decided to sit under my tree. And they are smoking and stuff. Are they trying to gas me out? Luckily they have not noticed me.

_**3 minutes later**_

I wonder whether I could hit them directly on the back of the heads with some of the acorns?

_**4 minutes later**_

I was busy testing my aim when Mark Big Gob stuck his oaf in it. He said, "Yeah, I once went out with that bird with the big knockers. What's-her-name. Georgia,"

How dare he take Georgia's Nungas' name in vain? Oh, he will die. He will die.

_**2 minutes later**_

Hahahaha. Fabbyness Incorperated! I leapt out of the tree like a mad thing and I landed straight on Mark Big Gob and flattened him straight into the ground. And then I just ran off. The rest of the Blunder Boys were just staring at me like I'd fallen from heaven or something.

Hilarious!!

_**5 minutes later**_

It is only natural for me to get mad when someone insults Georgia. She is, after all, my bestie girl mate. So I am just being loyal.

_**2 minutes later**_

Like a good matey-type mate.

_**3 minutes later**_

So why did I feel so utterly crap when she went off with Masimo?

_**4 minutes later**_

I felt really, really odd. Why? There is nothing odd about her going off with Masimo. He is her official boyfriend type fandango. Which I am not. Which is all fine and dandy and ok at noon.

_**Home**_

_**4.00pm**_

I sauntered back into the house. The Elderly Loons had stopped rowing. In fact, I could hear little slurpy noises coming from the living room. It sounded disgusting. I think I prefer them arguing.

_**6 minutes later**_

Sooo, what to do with my new found singlicosity (leave it).

_**3 minutes later**_

I will tell you what I will not be doing. And that is trailing after Georgia again. She can open a Handbag Chain with his royal Gayness for all I care.

_**5 minutes later**_

I do feel pretty crap about the Emma fiasco. But it wasn't working. I hope she is not too upset. I don't like making people upset.

_**2 minutes later**_

Because it makes me feel bad.

_**1 minute later**_

I feel awful in the extreme actually. I hate dumping people. But sometimes it has to be done. Even though it is horrible. And I am not going to say it is cruel that I am denying people of my biscuitosity. That is how utterly miz I feel.

_**6.30pm**_

The Elderly Loons are rowing again. Typico. It is over the lack of food in the cupboards.

_**5 minutes later**_

Good. They've stopped. I could hear Vati trundle off into the kitchen. He was singing. Has he finally snapped?

I could here him singing, "Old Mother Hubbard, she went to the cupboard, to fetch her poor dog a bone, and when she got there, the cupboard was bare and the poor little doggy had none,"

I said, "Mutti, I think Vati may have gone mad, you keep him talking and I'll fetch the straight jacket,"

He went ballisiticisimus for no apparent reason. I said, "Vati, that is what is called a joke, you are supposed to be laughing,"

He said, "You'll see who is laughing when you are grounded for cheek,"

He wouldn't dare ground me. Because he knows I go mad in captivity. Like those tigers you see in zoos. Cramped up in tiny cages. Pacing angrily. With a bit of dead zoo keeper in their mouths.

_**6 minutes later**_

But I feel too crap to give a flying monkey's botty.

_**2 minutes later**_

I really hope Emma didn't cry or anything. She stormed off pretty quick, before I could comfort her. So, I guess there is not a can-we-stay-friends element there.

_**1 minute later**_

I blame Georgia entirely. If she hadn't been waving her red bottom in my face and sounding her cosmic horn then none of this would have happened. Me and Emma would still be together and it would be specific horns akimbo, and red bottomosity for one and such the like. We would have been a proper couply couple. But no, Georgia had to entice me away with her sex kittinosity.

_**5 minutes later**_

It is all Vati's fault. How am I supposed to know how to behave if he is off 'working late'. Because we all know what that means. i.e. he is not working late, he is off blowing a cosmic horn. He is not exactly a great role model. I do not want to be like him.

_**3 minutes later**_

But let us face facts and not beat around the bush. I am not doing very well, luuurve wise. I have not been suppressing my cosmic horn well. I go out with Ellen, I snog Georgia. I go out with Rachel, I snog Georgia. I go out with Emma, I snog Georgia.

Do I see a pattern emerging?

_**4 minutes later**_

Is it cosmic horn or specific horn if I cheat with the same person?

No. Specific Horn does not come into this.

_**2 minutes later**_

How come Georgia never seems to be on the guilt train? We are both as bad as each other. No. She has kept away from me. Mostly. It is only me who is still carrying this on.

I was vair, vair stupid to think that Georgia was going to tell me that she is indeedy infatuated with my biscuitosity. And I am vair, vair bad for thinking of her when I was snogging Emma.

_**3 minutes later**_

I am, quite possibly a luuurve rat of highest order.

_**7.00pm**_

Phone Rang. I heard a bit of quarrelling and then Vati went and got it.

"OY! DAVE! PHONE FOR YOU. ROLLO,"

What does Rollo want?

I said, "Bonsoir, Guilt Train, Platform Eight, speaking,"

Rollo said, "Do you fancy going clubbing tonight, there is a cool new tribute band gigging at the Crazy Coconut tonight,"

I said, "I am sorry, but Dave the Rat Man does not come out, he stays lying in his bed of sin,"

Rollo said, "What the Cod are you talking about? You sounded very depressive then. Keep your wrists under guard,"

I said, "Rollo, how dare you insinuate that I would hurt myself. I could not risk another drop of blood lost, considering the amount that spewed out of my nose yesterday,"

Rollo said, "What do you mean, you had a bloody nose? We you fighting?"

"Honestly, does everyone think I am violently disposed?"

Rollo said, "Well…"

"I was lying in a bush and a twig went up my nose. But I have far more important things to talk about than twigs. Talk to Tom about them. I have broken up with Emma,"

Rollo said, "You haven't?"

"I have,"

"You haven't?"

"I have,"

"You haven't?"

"Rollo, I am going to put the phone down if you keep saying 'you haven't', when I've told you three times that I have,"

Rollo said, "Sooo, you are single then,"

"Rollo, please stop hitting on me, I am very flattered, but I am not a Homosexualist,"

"Shut up,"

He is so polite. I love the way he talks to me respectfully.

Then Rollo said, "And I bet I know why you dumped her. It all because of a little weakness you have. It's called Georgia,"

I put the phone down on him.

_**10.20pm**_

I still feel awful.

_**2 minutes later**_

Rollo doesn't know what he is talking about, Georgia-wise.

_**5 minutes later**_

Georgia isn't 'my little weakness'. Rollo is, as usual, talking Wubbish, not with the pants of wisdomosity.

Oh stop it! Stop saying osity! It's so vair, vair annoying. Oh, god, I said vair again!! Arggh. I am having a spaz attack with all of this. Georgia, get out of my head!!

_**1 minute later**_

Maybe Rollo is sort of right…

* * *

**Soooo. What did you think? I know Dave is being a bit depressive at the moment, but he should start cheering up diary-wise. I can't wait to upload the next Dave chapter, I had it written a while a go. But warning, it is really long. Because it is the one that set everything off. It's about twenty three word document pages, twice the length of this one. So when I get chance to write Georgia's side of the story on that chapter, I'll upload them both. **

**And by the way, the Tshirt logo 'I know i'm SEXY but please don't STARE" is based on this one i made for his sim character on my sims (yes, i am that sad, in fact i have three neighbour hoods based on Georgia Nicolson). I've been making a cartoon with sims 2 graphics, of Gird Your Nungas and Prepare For Battle. If you go on deviant art and type in Gird Your Nungas they should come up, lol! S'laters**


	8. Gee: Octopus im die Custard!

****

Howdy, all! These two chapters (especially Dave's which is, as I've already wrote it, a record of 23 word doc pages in Arial 10!!) are what really sets off the plot. As I am writing two fanfics at the same time I am going to have to update both of course, but I will take it in turns updating them, although I do realise this has got two chapters at a time seeing as I want both POVs posted at the same time, lol, but I will try to keep up with sky- there are only four more chapters of that and they are the ones I really wanted to do.

**Now, this chapter might make you wonder what in the name of god almighty has happened on Dave side of things, near the end when she speaks to him BUT read this side of the story first because you get the drift of Gee's feelings. And also, if you know what if going on Dave's side, where's the 'Eh?' factor in that?**

* * *

_**Gee**_

**Octopus im die Custard!**

_**Monday 19**__**th**__** September**_

_**8.20am**_

Birds are tweeting like little tweeting tweety watsits, Mutti's thrusting her nunga nungas around like a Russian Roulette player, the rain is raining for all of Merrie England and I, Georgia Nicolson are now, most deffo the girlfriend of a Luuurve God!!

_**2 minutes later**_

The beautiful girlfriend of a luuurve god! Even in my teletubby pyjamas! I feel like I am floating in the Luuurve Vehicle of Life!

_**5 minutes later**_

I floated downstairs and I grabbed a piece of toast and I gave Mutti a kiss on the cheek just as I went out the door. That is how happy I am.

_**3 minutes later**_

Although I wish I hadn't given Vati a kiss on the cheek. He feels like a hedgehog chin-wise in the morning, and I have most probably got puncture marks on my chin.

Ho hum, pigs bum, floaty floaty floaty!

_**8.35am**_

I floated to Jas'. It was still chucking it down. She was waiting on the wall under a huge umbrella, one of those one's with frog eyes on and that are bright green. I asked her if I could come under her brolly so I am not drowned but she said no.

So I kicked a puddle at her.

_**8.50am**_

_**Stalag 14**_

I feel like a drowned rat only not so attractive. Me and Jas are drying our hair under the hand dryers.

I said, "Jas, can I tell you about Masimo?"

Jas said, "Gee, can I tell you about newts?"

I said, "Jazzy Spazzy, I am floating in the Luuurve Vehicle, I must off load my joy,"

"Oo-er,"

"Jas,"

"Ok, Ok, off load your joy,"

And I told her all about yesterday and Masimo turning up in my bedroom and taking me out and snogging in the park, "And he said I was his beautiful girlfriend! And the host at the café called me beautiful as well!"

Jas said, "Really? Are the Pizza-a-gogo nese a bit on the blind side?"

_**Assembly**_

_**9.00am**_

I am not talking to Jas. She is a crap chum, in fact I think she is in training for the crap chum awards, she is that crap. I sat between Rosie and Jools instead.

During prayer Rosie nudged me and said, "Look at Wet Lindsay, do you think someone cut off her tentacle?"

I looked over to where Wet Lindsay was. She was red eyed like she'd been crying.

I whispered back to Rosie, "She is not called Wet Lindsay for nothing, you know,"

And Rosie gave me the cross eyed Klingon look.

_**10 minutes later**_

I wonder why Wet Lindsay was crying? Not that I care. In fact, if she is crying that usually means something marvy and brillopads for me!

_**German**_

Ah, the wonders of the Kochs, (Oo-er). How can one family eat so much spangleferkel? We are doing 'restaurants'. What happened if the restaurant or _das Restaurant_ as it is called (can they think up their own words instead of stealing Billy Shakespeare's?) didn't have any spangleferkel? They would be in deep _Scheisse_ then.

Rosie said, "My restaurant sells only _der Fisch_, it is for our Viking Chummy Wummies when they pit stop at Lederhosen-a-gogo land,"

I said, "What is your starter?"

Rosie said, "_Die Krabbe mit Käse,"_

I said, "Erlack! And what is your dessert?"

Rosie said, "Ach, _der_ Octopus _im_ _die_ Custard!"

Erlack a Pongoes.

I said, "Ro Ro, that is disgusting,"

Rosie said, "_Nein, es ist sehr_ scrummy,"

I said, "How do you know? Have you tried it?"

Rosie said, "Yes, Sven is an excellent cook,"

I like to think she is joking. That is what I like to think.

_**3 minutes later**_

Jas thinks we are being silly. But I have noticed she has put for her starter _der_ Vol-au-vent.

_**5 minutes later**_

And that is silly in anyone's book.

_**Break**_

It is still raining like two short raining things outside. It is like the sky is a waterfall. A vair, vair cold waterfall. We are hiding from the Hitler Youth in the piddly diddly department as we don't want to get our hair wet and catch the plague. We are all stood on the toilet seat, which is harder than it sounds. Oh, I lie, Rosie isn't stood with us. She has propped herself up between the cubicle walls in front of the door.

Ellen said, "So, is um, Masimo like your boyfriend or something again now? Or, like, not?"

Jools said, "Mas isn't in his huff mobile?"

I said, "Nope, he came around yesterday and took me out to a café,"

Mabs said, "So he and Dave aren't going to be having a punch up any time soon?"

I said, "No, because we saw Dave as I was getting on the back of the scooter, and him and Masimo got on dandy like two short dandy things on dandy tab-"

Jas said, "We get the idea, Georgia,"

Rosie said, "Ah, yes, me and Sven saw old Davey yesterday and Sven put him up in a tree,"

It can't be true? Can it?

I said, "But Dave said something about losing a raisin and being tempted by a chocolate chip. What do you think he meant?"

Mabs said, "I don't know, I mean he is probably just talking WUBBISH to make you laugh,"

Ellen said, "Oh, yes, um, because he is like Dave the Laugh, so, you know, he has to make you, um, err, laugh or something…"

Oh Merde. I forgot my rule of never bringing up Dave the Laugh with Ellen. At least Inspector Bonkers was too stuck between the cubicle walls to get out her beard and interrogate me.

Then the Piddly Diddly Departments doors opened (not our cubicle, the room, if you know what I mean and I think you do). Someone sounded like they were crying. I took a quick peep over the cubicle wall. It was Wet Lindsay and Astonishingly Dim Monica had her arm around her.

"How can he still like her? Why does she always try and take my boyfriends off me? What is it about her that they all like?"

ADM said, "They don't like her, they are just hypnotised by the sheer hugeness of her nose,"

Oh My Giddy God! They are talking about me!

Lindsay said, "I told her to keep away from him, I told her, I bet she still thrusts herself at him, like the cheap tart she is,"

And then they walked out.

The Ace Gang all looked at me. Then Rosie said, getting down from her roost, "You've been thrusting yourself at Robbie? You have a lot of explaining to do, Missy,"

_**6 minutes later**_

I managed to explain to the Ace Gang that I have not, under any circumstances, engaged in any red bottomosity related activity with Robbie the Guitar Plucker. And that Wet Lindsay has obviously got things around the wrong way, probably due to the strain her naff extensions put on her head.

_**RE**_

I wonder why I have apparently stole Robbie from Lindsay? The last times I have seen him, we barely got to say hi to each other.

_**2 minutes later**_

He can't still like me can he? Even after I made him cry? I told him that we couldn't be together.

_**3 minutes later**_

Wet Lindsay has probably got it all wrong. It is not like stick insects have much room for a brain box.

_**Blodge**_

We are doing some WUBBISH about Trees helping the environment or something. Jas LOBES it, she keeps putting her handy up and everything. Not even in a 'who-ate-all-the-pies' type way, in a proper way. She is all red faced and keen.

Rosie sent me a note: _What do you call a Crazy Tree? Barking Mad!! Ro Ro._

I sent back: _Rosie, that joke was Wubbish. Gee._

Rosie sent me: _Oh no! Really? Maybe I should see a psychologist and get to the ROOT of the problem!!_

And she started laughing like a loon on loon tablets. Sort of choking and spluttering. I really, really question her sanity.

_**Lunch**_

Still soaking wet out there. The playground is like a river. Jas is hanging about in the Blodge Lab showing Miss Baldwin some newts or something. The rest of us Cold Kippers were hanging around the back of the Science Block when Elvis came trundling past, mumbling under his breath like a mumbling mumbler on mumble tablets.

I said to Jools, "Do you reckon he is a bit delusional?"

Jools said, "I don't know, may be he caught plague from the rain?"

Rosie said, "He shouldn't be walking about with plague!"

I said, "Encase he goes mad and attacks people?"

Rosie, Health and Safety Inspector Extraordinaire said, "No, he's infectious, oh, we must do something about it!!"

What in the name of pantibus is she on about?

I said, "Rosie, what in the name of pantibus are you on about? Are you suggesting we tell Slim?"

Rosie said, "Don't be dim, Ringo, we draw a red cross on his hut door like they did in ye olde Shakespearean times,"

_**4 minutes later**_

Rosie has filched some paint from the art classrooms. Her fabby idea is to paint on the cross then run. It was fabby, apart from one fly in the ointment- we got caught by Elvis.

"OY! YOU VANDALS!!"

I said, smartly, "Wrong, we are not vandals; we are, in fact, a house make over team,"

Then Hawkeye came hawking out. Merde.

"Georgia Nicolson! Rosemary Mees! Julia, Mabel, Eleanor! What in the world do you think you are doing!?"

I said, "We are part of a house redecoration programme on channel 4, there are actually cameras hiding around here somewhere,"

_**2 minutes later**_

Typico. We all have detention after school. Apart from her Royal Voliness who was botty-licking the teacher in Blodge.

_**5 minutes later**_

I said to Rosie, "It is unfair, isn't it? We were only trying to help humanity by warning people that Elvis Attwood is a carrier of the plague. They say teenagers do nuffink but in actual fact it is the selfishiosity of so called grown ups that stops us from doing anyffink,"

Rosie said, "Ah, yes, but it is Nazi Conformist Regime. We have PE with the lesbian oberfuherer next,"

_Merde_

_**PE**_

I have to say there is something therapeutic to whacking a hockey ball across the pitch in a PE skirt. I may suggest it to the Dalai Llama; stop world violence by venting through hockey. Excellent.

_**2 minutes later**_

Although not in PE skirts. I mean, no offence to Buddha, but he is rather on the large side and I don't think a PE skirt would be vair, vair flattering on his shape.

_**Home time**_

We streaked into the showers like little speedy watsits before Miss Stamp could, you know…look at us.

Erlack

_**Detention**_

We are being made to do lines. How sad and naff is that? Vair, vair sad and _trés_ naffaramas.

I did try and sellotape my pens together to get five lines done at a time but Hawkeye stole my sellotape. How meanio is that? She should be praising me for my creative flair. But I didn't tell her that because I didn't want to have another detention.

Anyway, the nub and gist is that we are being made to write; "I will not vandalise the property of others' with my childish japes,"

_**2 minutes later**_

Japes, I ask you.

_**3 minutes later**_

I wonder what japes is in German? I would look in Rosie's German Slang Book but she has it. Occasionally you can here her start snorting like a loon on loon tablets and then coughing to cover it up.

_**10 minutes later**_

I am sooo bored.

I can see Ellen to the side of me. She is writing her lines properly. How botty-licking is that? Vair, vair botty-licking.

I am writing all the 'I's down in one column, then all the 'W's then more 'I's…

_**5 minutes later**_

Who knew writing the letter 'I' could be so boring?

_**10 minutes later**_

Yes, yes and three times yes! Freedom! Me and the Ace did ad hoc Let's go Down to the Disco in triumph. Well, me, Rosie and Jools did; Ellen and Mabs were too 'mature' to.

_**7 minutes later**_

When we got out of Stalag 14 we saw Jas was waiting at the gates for us. She was with Hunky and Dave the Laugh. Ooh, Dave! I must tell him about the Plague and Red Cross fandango. He'll think it's a hoot and a half!!

But when he saw us coming he said 'S'laters,' to Tom and Jas and scooted off again. What? What's with all the scooting off all of a sudden?

_**2 minutes later**_

That's a bit harsh.

_**5 minutes later**_

Rosie, Jools, Mabs and Ellen pushed off the other way. Normally they don't leave together but they wanted to go raid Boots for make up. They asked me if I wanted to come but I felt a bit weird about Dave running off like that.

_**2 minutes later**_

Well, he didn't run, he walked. But it is the same because he didn't stay. He went.

_**1 minute later**_

I wonder why?

_**4 minutes later**_

Maybe he had something to go to? Like an appointment or footie practice or something.

_**30 seconds later**_

You would have thought he would have said 'hi' at the least.

_**5 minutes later**_

I mean, he had time to be all chatty with Tom and Jas. Why didn't he have time for me? That is vair, vair rude, especially from a matey-type mate.

Which he is.

_**2 minutes later**_

Ho hum pigs bum. If Dave the Laugh wants to ignorez vous me then it's his look out.

_**4 minutes later**_

I said, "Jas, what was Dave talking to you about at the gate?"

Jas flicked her fringe like a maniac, "Nothing,"

"Nothing?"

"Yes, nothing,"

"So, Jas, do expect me to believe you three talked about nothing? You just stood at the gates and were silent?"

"Yes,"

Then Tom and Jas looked at each other funny. Why?

_**1 minute later**_

They were probably doing virtual vole snogging. Erlack a Pongoes!!

_**30 seconds later**_

He was probably zooming off to see Emma or something. Which I don't care if he does or not.

_**3 minutes later**_

I said to Jas, "He was probably zooming off to see Emma, wasn't he?"

Tom said, "Actually, no,"

I said, "Tom, you don't need to cover up for him, if he wants to go see his girlfriend, then he can go see his girlfriend. I don't mind in the slightest!"

I did though. A bit.

Tom said, "Actually…she's not his girlfriend,"

I said, "Huh?"

Tom said, "He dumped her,"

Jas said, like she had only just remembered, "Yes, that's what he was telling us! He told us he dumped Emma…for a Sex Kitty,"

What? Oh Godddd.

_**Home**_

_**4.30pm**_

Dave the Laugh dumped Emma.

_**2 minutes later**_

For a Sex Kitty.

And for the benefit of the vair, vair dim, that is me.

Oh _Merde_.

_**3 minutes later**_

I thought we'd curbed over all this Luuurvey Duuurvey Stuff between me and Dave the So-called Laugh. That the 'And that is why I love you' was all forgotten.

_**2 minutes later**_

He dumped Emma for me. What have I done to make him do that?

_**5 minutes later**_

I have been on best behaviour red bottom wise. I have not enticed him one bit.

_**3 minutes later**_

I am going to have to tell him that I am not open for his offer (Oo-er!!). I am a plighted woman brimming with maturiosity. I am not going to go running after him, just because he dumped his girlfriend.

_**1 minute later**_

Who is now his ex girlfriend.

_**4 minutes later**_

Ho hum, pigs bum. He has done well to get rid of her. She threw a _trés_ stupid nervy spaz when Angus spat at her. And she has thin lips so I bet she is a crap snogger.

_**2 minutes later**_

I bet I snog better than her.

_**4 minutes later**_

Shut up about snogging Dave the Laugh!! It has been months since I last snogged him. Can't he and his stupid nip libbling just bugger off to a corner of my brain where I will never find them?!

_**2 minutes later**_

I suppose I am secretly a bit happy that he dumped Emma. But only in a matey-type way.

_**3 minutes later**_

Because I have Masimo and he is my one and only.

_**4 minutes later**_

I have chosen the Italian Cakey and I shall be sticking to that.

_**2 minutes later**_

But all the other cakes in the Cake Shop of Luuurve have come back with vengeance. As well as Dave the Laugh, I may or may not have entranced back a Sex God. Who has been put in the box of life and has been declared an ex Sex God.

_**3 minutes later**_

Oh triple poo. When you think you have a Luuurve God in the hand, a Laugh and a Guitar Plucker come springing from the bushes.

_**5 minutes later**_

They must have tuned into Georgia FM again and heard my cosmic horn.

_**2 minutes later**_

Not that I have a cosmic horn. I am eschewing Robbie and Dave with a firm hand. A very, very firm hand- Oo-er, shut up.

_**6.15pm**_

Angus came strolling into my room. He looked at me with his mad yellow eyes then leapt up onto my bed. And do you know what? He made it! Honestly! Without conking his head on the wall!! He stood on my bed looking all proud of himself.

_**3 minutes later**_

Uh-oh. He has just fallen off my bed. I think he was a bit embarrassed about it and stormed off and walked straight into the door.

That is the sort of world we live in.

_**6.45pm**_

Phone Rang. Obviously as no one in this house is half decent enough to get off their botties and answer it, I had to trek all the way downstairs from my Bed of Confusiosity and get it.

It was Dave the Laugh. _Merde_.

He said, "Aloha, Gee, I have just rung to inform you of my new singlicosity,"

Oh Poo. Oh Poo. Here we go. He is going to ask me to be his one and only over the phone. Oh brillopads.

I said, in a casualosity way at all times, "I know, I heard,"

Dave chuckled a bit, then said, "So, I guess you heard why?"

Oh my Giddy Gods Pyjamas! "Yes, you dumped Emma…for a Sex Kitty," A Sex Kitty which is me. Oh _Scheisse_! I am just going to have to take the bullet by the horns and tell him that I don't want to be his one and only, "Dave?"

Dave said, "Yes, I am at your service, oh, Kittykat one,"

I said, taking a deep breathey breath and I bore my watsits to him (Oo-er!) "I am very, err, flattered Dave, that you like me and such like, but it wasn't really fair to dump Emma like that. And I've got Masimo, I'm sorry, but I don't want to be your official snogging partner. I don't, um, like you in that way back. We are just matey-type mates, Dave, can we just stay like that? Please? I don't want to put stress on our friendship if you fancy me,"

And then he did something I could not believe. It was unbelievable, that is why. He had the hugest laughing spaz I have ever heard him have. Why?

Then he said, when he'd calm down, "Oh, Gee. You are a Kittykat loony of the highest waters. And mad. Don't flatter yourself. What makes you think, wrongly may I add, it is you I am talking about?"

What?! So it isn't me? I'm not the mystery Sex Kitty? Oh Poo, I am such a fule. Of course he is not talking about me.

But it made me feel sort of weird. Didn't he say that he loved me the once? He did. Surely he can't have forgotten about me like that?

I felt a bit on the gobsmacked sausage side of life and I said, "Oh, I thought...well, you said that you loved me, the once..."

"Did I? When?"

He HAS forgotten about it! How could he forget about saying he loved me?! Can't he remember when he pulled me out of the River and he said he loved me? Has he got a two second memory??

I said to remind him, "On the Camping Lark. You said, 'you are very nearly an honorary bloke, and that is why I love you',"

There was a bit of silence then Dave said, "Oh, God. I'm sorry, did you think that I meant it in a love-love way? I forget you girls over-analyse everything. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that I love you in an I-want-to-be-your-one-and-only way. I meant like a friend way or how I love chocolate,"

What?! What?! He just loves me in a friend way? Or even in a chocolate way? That him saying he loved me meant nothing?? Oh God! Why can't boys ever mean what they say? It's worse than 'S'laters'

I said, "But, you are always snogging me and stuff! You don't snog chocolate do you?"

Dave said, "I might,"

"You don't,"

"How do you know?"

"I'd be quite worried if you did Dave,"

Then Dave said, "I snog you because I fancy a snog, simple as that,"

What? I feel like a What Machine. So this is how he really feels about me. Oh my Giddy God.

I felt quite miz about that actually, "So... I am just another snog then?"

"Aaaaw, Kittykat, you make that sound terrible. Wasn't that all I was to you? I thought- I wasn't leading you on or anything was I?"

I did this really stupid laughing spaz watsit, "Of course not. Don't be silly, you were just a release of red bottomosity, Hahahaha, what larks,"

Dave said, "Well, if you are sure…You don't, err, fancy _me_ do you?"

I said still fake-laughing, "Hahahaha, Dave, good one, Hahahahahaha,"

And he said, "Hahahaha," back. Brilliant, we were both doing spaz laughing down the phone at each other.

So I said, calmly, like I was a Luuurve Guru or Hornmistress who got told everyday her best boy mate had broken up with his girlfriend, "So why are you phoning me about your singlicosity?"

Then Dave said another thing I could not believe. Because it was quite frankly absurd coming from him. I would expect it from Ellen but not from Dave. He said, "Wellllll, I was going to ask for your assistance luuurve wise,(!) but you don't think it'll put any stress on our friendship, as you said, do you?"

"Of course not, don't be ri-diddly-iculous,"

Oh _Merde_. I am talking like Ned Flanders now.

Dave said "I am only asking you because you are my bestest girl mate,"

I said, "_Oui_,"

"Who I trust beyond beliefiosity,"

"_Oui_,"

"Who has experience in these matters,"

_Moi_, the Hornmistress said, "_Oui_,"

"Who talks an annoying amount of Froggie, but I still love it, oh, wait, I will say like it, to save confusiosity," Hmmm.

I said, "Dave, just tell me, why do you need assistance luuurve wise?"

Dave said, "Weellllll," and then he started babbling about some girl called Jaden that had moved over from Hamburger-a-gogo land for a bit and that he liked her. I wonder why in the name of pantibus he was telling ME this?!

It must be because I am a Luuurve Goddess. I just went 'uh-hmmmm,' for as long was humanely possible. It was so weird hearing something like that from Dave the Laugh, of all people.

"She is really pretty, Gee. She has this really nice sort of blonde hair- not that I usually go for blonde, as in beware of the air head, but oh, she is really gorgey and-"

It made me feel a bit strange that he said to me that another girl was 'gorgey' so I said, "Dave, you sound so incredibly superficial. I didn't know you are that shallow,"

Dave said, "Shallow? I'm not being shallow. And I don't think you should lecture me about superficialness. Isn't that what your relationship with the Italian Homosexualist is based on?"

He sounded a bit odd. I told him that, "Dave you sound a bit odd. What is it you want me to do vis-à-vis your luuurve goddess?"

Luuurve Goddess…

_**2 minutes later**_

I have quite possibly heard everything.

You will never as long as you live guess why he has asked for the Kittykat's assistance. Only so I can help him STALK this Jaden. Like I did with Masimo and Robbie? How sad and crap and naff is that? Well, it's not sad when I do it, but it is when Dave the Laugh does. It's pathetic.

I said, "Dave, that is really pathetic, and so unlike you. Have you gone mad?"

"Maybe, I don't know," Just that! No 'No are YOU mad?' or anything! He has officially lost it! He carried on, "Oh, Gee, she is a deffo 10. What do you think I am?"

He wants me to rate him out of ten?! He cannot be serious!

I was feeling quite miz about all this actually, and I was quite tempted to say 0. Make him feel all poo about himself. So he would give up on this Stupid Jaden. How dare he ask me about another girl?! Not that I care. He can go chasing after as many girls as he wants. I have Masimo and that is all that matters.

Dave said, "Gee? Are you still there? I only mean as mates of course,"

I suppose I'll have to give him a rating encase he gets an Image-Watsit about himself. Although surely he because he thinks he is Jack the Biscuit he doesn't care about my opinion.

Ah well. Wouldn't hurt to help a matey-type mate in a type of desperados, would it?

What do I rate Dave as?? He is quite groovy looking as it happens. He has quite coolio dark hair and is an all round good egg in the good-looks department. And he has an ace personality and is a brillopad laugh. That is why he is called Dave the Laugh. And he reeks of naughtinosity which is quite sexy. And he is a Fan-bloody-tastic snogger. But, of course I only mean that in a matey type way.

I said "Nine," which I even surprised myself with. Dave did that long whistley thing when you think something is quite amazing.

Then he said, "Ah! Thanks Gee, you are so honest, it's scary, I love you!!"

And he hung up.

_**2 minutes later**_

He said I love you again.

_**1 minute later**_

Of course he only means in a matey-type mate way.

_**2 minutes later**_

Because he doesn't love me. Because he is in luuurve with another.

_**30 seconds later**_

Who is called Jaden. And has come over from Hamburger-a-gogo land.

And is probably a cheer leader.

Who is probably ten times prettier than me.

_**2 minutes later**_

With a normal sized nose.

_**5 minutes later**_

And can probably introduce him to Foreign Snogging ways.

_**3 minutes later**_

And he will show her nip libbling. And she'll show him some intercontinental technique. Which he might pick up.

Phoar! If he got any better at snogging I think I may die.

_**4 minutes later**_

Not that I will sample it to know if he has or not.

_**1 minute later**_

He'll be too busy snogging this Jaden, as he _fancies_ her. Hmp.

_**2 minutes later**_

Apart from the Hamburger-a-gogo nese don't know what the word snogging means.

_**1 minute later**_

I could never see Dave putting up with someone foreign.

Someone who doesn't know what snogging means.

_**4 minutes later**_

But, if he likes someone who doesn't speak proper English and misses the 'u' out in Aluminium that's his to-do. And he asked for the assistance of the Luuurve Goddess.

So I'll just be a good matey-type mate and be happy for him.

_**2 minutes later**_

So why do I feel so miz about this?

_**7.45pm**_

I was about to return to my bed of confusiosity when the door bell rang. Vati yelled, "Georgia, can you get that? Thank you so much!" and I could hear him snaffling sausages down. How disgusting? I could hear him eating from here. Erlack!

I said back, "Fine then, El Beardo. You carry on shovelling sausages down your gullet and getting fatter, I'll be slavey girl and answer the door, even though I have a lot on my plate of life to be worried about!"

He said, "Please be quiet, I am trying to watch the footie,"

Ooooh, I just want to strangle him with his transvestite apron.

I huffed off and opened the door.

It was Robbie.

Oh my Giddy God.

* * *

**Soooo, how much just happened, lol! Cliff hangery with Robbie and what in the name of pants is Dave the Laugh on about, loving another? I guess you are about to find out! Next Chapter, lol!**


	9. Dave: Hold your Pants?

**Right O! This Chapter is hugemongous because it is the chapter that basically sets off the whole fanfic really. 23 word doc pages!! And now you have read Gee's chapter you'd be hopefully wondering what has happened to Dave. So reeeeead ahead!**

**And if you haven't read Gee's bit yet and you are a cheeky minx who clicked the (two greater-than signs which it won't let me write) in straight to this, back one chapter please!! Lol! :)**

* * *

_**Dave**_

**Hold Your Pants?!**

_**Monday 19**__**th**__** September**_

_**8.20am**_

It is absolutely chucking it down. It is like a waterfall out there. I can see elderly pensioners drowning. I am not risking that for the luuurve of pants. I have caught the pretendy lurgy.

_**6 minutes later**_

_**In the Rain.**_

I cannot believe it. It is unbelievable, that is why. I said to Mutti that I was ill and I would not venture into the rain for fear of turning a 'sniffle' into full blown pneumonia. She said, "Yeah, ill with Skive-alitus. Get your school clothes on and go,"

What about if I had been genuinely ill? I could have died of a racking cough in the street. And what would she say to the paramedic type people or who ever deal with dead people? 'Oh, yes, I made him go to school'? They would think she is a very selfish mutti.

And they would be right.

_**School**_

_**8.45am**_

I think my bones are water logged. I am sure they are squelching.

_**3 minutes later**_

Squelch. Squelch. Squelch. The playground is empty. What is it with things being empty, recently? Squelch. Squelch. Squelch. First the park, then the town and now school.

Oh! Maybe school is out because of flood danger! Oh, yes, maybe that's it. Maybe everyone is at home and I am the only person at school. Which means I can go back to home and…err…feel bad and stuff. Oh, I honestly cannot be bothered. I will hang around here a bit more; if no one shows I will wreak havoc. Squelch. Squelch. Squelch.

_**2 minutes later**_

Everything is seriously dead! Oh, god, I feel like I am in one of those freaky horror movies where everything disappears. Everyone gets picked off, one by one. And something is slinking through the shadows. And then that something slowly creeps up behind you…

"Dave!"

OHMYGODIT'SCOMEFORME!!

"What in the name of Rollo's over-sized ego are doing out in the rain? Everyone's gone inside!"

It was Dec, hanging out our classroom window.

I said, "Dec, you nearly gave me a heart attack,"

Dec said, "Aaaaw, shucks, I know I am gorgeous but still…"

And he says Rollo's Ego is over-sized! I could never be like him. For I am a biscuit.

I said, "No, I thought I was in a horror movie,"

Dec said, "Out there is no horror movie. Whilst in here…God! You must see what Phil the Nerd has done to his hair!!"

I dread to think. I clambered through the window into the classroom. Much quicker that way.

And then I saw it.

Phil the Nerd has decided to have blonde highlights put into his hair!

You know, those really naff chavvy ones that are vair, vair popular with the Bin of Life's Jerks of First Waters. The ones that are 'blonde' but are in fact ginger. If you know what I mean and I think you do. He thought he looked coolio, like how (he thought) he did when he got tinted specks. But he didn't. He looked hilariously ridiculous.

I told him that, "El Nerdy? You look quite frankly ridiculous,"

He said, smugly, looking down his hoot at me, (not because he is better than me- which he isn't- it is because I was sitting on the floor, where I had fallen through the window) "I think I look quite cool actually, definitely _Jack the Biscuit_,"

Oh! He will die! He WILL die! How dare he disgrace the name of Jack the Biscuit with his nerdiosity?! I am the only Jack the Biscuit, and let it be known. He is not Jack the Biscuit at all!! I am!!

He will be binned. Mark my words.

I said to Rollo, "He will be binned,"

Rollo said, "What? Because he said he is Joe the Biscuit?"

"It is Jack the Biscuit, Rollo. And that is me,"

"You're not called Jack,"

Honestly, it is like talking to a wall sometimes.

"I know I am not called Jack, Rollo. But I am Jack the Biscuit. Do not question my biscuitosity, just go along with it. He has disgraced me by comparing himself to me,"

Rollo said, "Flattery is the sincerest form of copying,"

What is he on about?

I said, "I think you got that round the wrong way, Rollo, dearest, I think it is; _Copying_ is the sincerest form of _Flattery_,"

Rollo said, "I know it is, so why are you bothered about him copying you if you agree?"

It made you want to hit your head on something. Honestly, I have such endless patience when it comes to dealing with such loons. I should be a carer for the mentally challenged. Or a nursery school teacher.

I said, "Because, and try to follow this the best you can, Oh Dim One, he has said he is Jack the Biscuit. Therefore he has said he is me. And he has stupid ginger highlights. I would never, ever get ginger highlights. He has disgraced me and my honour and my pants,"

Rollo said, "Dave, your pants are strictly yours, I do not want to talk about them. So I am guessing you will never be one with blonde highlights?"

I said, "Of course not, I will never, even if hell freezes over and the North Pole melts, have blonde highlights put in my hair. Red on the other hand…"

Rollo said, "No mate, don't go there,"

"It wouldn't work, would it?"

"Nah, because it would look so ridiculous you would have to take it to your 'Bed of Sin' or whatever it was,"

Of course Dec over heard like an over hearing over hearer with a hearing aid and said, "Bed of Sin? Have you become a Christian?"

Rollo said, "Nah, he was being depressive,"

I said, "Rollo, when have you ever known me to be depressive? I am Dave the Laugh, not Dave the Cry. Although, sometimes when I have a moment, I am Dave the Cry-with-Laughter,"

_**3 minutes later**_

Rollo is right, actually, I do feel a bit miz still. I can't even aim a paper aeroplane at Spotty Norman properly, that tells you how bad I feel. It is about this Emma stuff. I honestly don't like dumping people. It was the same with the Rachel-type fiasco. And Ellen-type fandango.

Oh God. I am a serial heart breaker.

_**1 minute later**_

Although, if I am to bear all my watsits (oo-er), I will have to confess Georgia is playing more than her fair share in this situation.

I did sort of think that she was going to talk to me because she decided that she liked me more than her Italian Could-I-Be-A-Ladeee. But she wasn't. I should have known better, really.

And I felt absolute pants when I saw them together.

_**Assembly**_

_**9.00am**_

Normal boring stuff today. First there was an announcement we have a new teacher in our midst. He is from some Academy-of-Taming-Naughty-Boys or something. I can't wait to see how long he lasts. The Educated type tend to be gone after a couple of weeks. Only the hopelessly deranged can stick it out longer.

Today's torture is based upon 'Finances'. We have some spokesperson in from a bank. He is quite possibly the most boring sounding person I have ever heard. He ttttaaalllkkksss llliiikkkeee ttthhhiiisss iiinnn aaa rrreeeaaalllyyy ssslllooowww vvvoooiiiccceee. But our Head Teacher, Mr. Friar, or Tuck as we so fondly know him, as in Friar Tuck out of Robin Hood for his unfortunate bald patch in the centre of his head and…err, where was I? Oh yes, Tuck was bouncing around like a loon, all shiny headed and keen, getting us to put our hands up and such like if we have jobs and other nonsense. Tom was all keen when it came to jobs. For the luuurve of pants, all he does is exploit vegetables in his Vati's Grocery Shop.

I had a job once. When I was thirteen, I had a paper round. I got sacked after three days. I think it may have been because I was supposed to turn up at six in the morning but I turned up at eight. But who, in the name of Phil the Nerds Stupid Highlights, could expect me to get up at six? Unless it's six at night?

_**5 minutes later**_

This really does take the biscuit of bordomosity. Mr. Bank Person is saying stuff like, "Cannot expect to live out your parents pockets for long…save now and think what you can buy!...open a bank or be castrated…money, money is the key,"

I was vair, vair tempted to put my hand up and ask him whether money was the key to him shutting up, for I had £1.50 for lunch if he accepts money on the spot.

He had this giant flip book with pictures of pie charts and graphs and Wubbish and was pointing to it with a ruler. No one was paying attention.

And then he flicked the page on the flip book to an advert. It said, 'Discover another world of banking'. Well, it did. But someone had replaced the 'a' in 'banking' with an 'o'. I absolutely KILLED myself laughing. The whole school turned around and looked at me. You know when you really should stop laughing but you can't? I had that.

Tuck shouted, "David Cooper, stand up!!"

I had to stand up in the middle of assembly. Or do my best to stand up while I was still laughing.

"Explain what is so funny about Mr. White's presentation?"

I stuttered, trying to calm down, "The a-advert,"

Tuck said, "Yes?"

"It says…"

"Yes?"

"It s-says…"

"Yes?"

"It says 'Discover another world of BONKING' !!"

And I was off again.

And everyone suddenly took a close second look at the advert. Tuck and White realised and tried desperately to cover it up but everyone had seen it. The whole school was shaking with laughter. It would have been on the Richter scale, that is how much everyone was laughing. It was pandemonium in the extreme. Even a few first formers fell off their chairs about it.

Tuck shouted at me, "You are an absolute disgrace. Get out. Now. And stand by my office,"

I was far too spazoid to explain I hadn't done it, I was merely a discoverer. I stumbled out down the lines, Mr. Martins had to virtually carry me to Tuck's Office. I could barely walk.

_**1 minute later**_

Hahahahahaha.

_**2 minutes later**_

Well, that was my light amusement for the day.

I shouldn't be as childish enough to find that funny. But the sad fact of life is I do. Hahaha. I am never going to be able to stop laughing.

_**3 minutes later**_

God, this is so boring waiting.

_**10 minutes later**_

Eventually Friar Tuck came powering down the corridor, all angry faced and red. Even his bald patch was red, which was outstanding.

He said, "You. In. Now," and he jerked his thumb towards his office door.

Oh, god. Don't talk about it. Don't. Because then I will wet myself laughing again. I could already feel the chronic giggle-syndrome bubbling up inside me.

He sat down in his chair. I half expected him to get a chicken leg and polish his head with pumice.

He said, "I have had enough of your antics. You are childish, immature and disruptive. But I've learnt to expect that from you. But to ruin a Guest Speakers presentation…"

"I am innocent until proven guilty,"

"I have no doubt you are guilty, alright,"

"It wasn't me-"

"SILENCE! I was prepared to let you off, with a light wrist slapping (?). But then I saw the next page,"

I knew I really shouldn't have asked, but I had to, "The next page?"

"Yes, you know full well what it was,"

I said, "Enlighten me,"

He looked at me and then said, "An advert saying 'Banking is the Future' where you had replaced the 'b' with a 'w',"

I just started hyperventilating.

_**5 minutes later**_

I am too childish for my own good.

Hilarious though.

_**1 minute later**_

I have a detention every lunch time for the next three days. For something I didn't do. That is the selfishiosity of life- Shutup.

_**Maths**_

Mr. Edwin was Pythagoras bashing when I got in, so I had to silently sneak to my seat without being noticed. And then I realise Dec was sitting in my usual seat next to Rollo so I had to take the lonely seat at the back.

I sent a note via paper aeroplane: _Dec, you no-good place stealer. I come back from the Friar's Parlour, and I am not greeted with amazements I am still alive, instead I find you in my seat. Biscuit. _

He sent back: _I thought you would be too dead to come to Maths. Did the nasty Friar scare you with his bald patch? Flower._

I sent back: _No, but I thought he was going to get a leg of chicken out. I am booked for lunch time detention until Wednesday. Biscuit._

He sent back: _Well, you shouldn't be such a rude little boy. Bloody Funny though. You are a comedy genius. Flower._

I sent back: _It wasn't me. Although I will take credit for it's hilariousity until the true genius emerges. Biscuit. Ps. Why are you calling yourself flower? Are you on the turn?_

He sent back: _Because I am beautiful, colourful and gay (in a strictly non-Homosexualist way) and I make people happy when they see me. Flower!!_

I just looked at him, cross-eyed. He started flapping his hands on his head and bobbing up and down in his seat. Truly, truly mind-bogglingly mad.

I think the strain of Ellen's stutters is getting to him.

_**Break**_

If another person comes up to congratulate me hilariousity-wise vis-à-vis the Advert-Defacing; I will eat them.

_**2 minutes later**_

This little first former bounced up to me and said, "That was brillopads, sir, what you wrote on the-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

I thought he was going to poo his pants.

_**Bench**_

_**4 minutes later**_

It is far too wet to play footie. We are watching Edward and Declan the Flower Man kicking puddles at each other. They are so immature, it is unbelievable.

Dec said, "Come on, Dave, join in,"

I said, "I'd rather not, thanks, Flower Man,"

Dec said, "Come on, you know you want to,"

I said, "Actually no I don't. a) I have just dried out my bones, I don't want to be squelching again and b)I am far too mature to be kicking up puddles,"

Dec stuck his tongue out and kicked a puddle of dirty rain water at us. I thought Tom was going to kill him; he nearly washed away his snail collection.

Rollo said, "You are not being mature. You are being sad. Because of Georgia,"

Oh, Pants Overlord, give me strength. And then I may kill Rollo.

I said, "Rollo, I forbid you to mention her, or I will bin you, and I mean that most severely,"

He said, "Fine. Shame you didn't come to the club last night. Me and Jools went. It was awesomeness personified,"

Tom said, "Yeah, me and Jas were going to go, but we were too tired from our ramble. Did any of the others go, Rollo?"

Rollo said, "Dec and Ellen went, and Rosie and Sven of course but Ed and Mabs didn't. Neither did Georgia," and he elbowed me in the side. Why?

I said, "In the name of all that is Biscuitish, can you stop talking about bloody Georgia! She is a red-bottom flashing, cosmic horn blowing, using, big-nosed, cruel minx and I-"

I stopped because they were all looking at me.

Rollo said, "I what, Dave?"

I said, smartly, "I nothing,"

Rollo started waggling his finger at me like a loon, "No, you were not going to say 'I nothing', you were going to say 'I love her'. Because you do. Don't deny it. That is why you split up with Emma. That is why you are in a bad mood. Because you love Georgia,"

Oh, Good Grief. "I don't,"

"You do,"

"I don't…because I LOVE YOU, ROLLO!!"

THAT scared him off.

_**1 minute later**_

He shuffled off to join Dec and Edward. I hate to think what rumours are going be started about me 'declaring my undying love for Rollo'.

Still, it was worth it to get him to go away.

_**2 minutes later**_

Tom shut the lid on his snail collection and said, "You do, you know,"

I said, "I do what?"

Tom said, "Love Georgia, it's obvious,"

Am I that transparent?

I said, "Tom, can you not remember me requesting for everyone to stop talking about Georgia? Do you have a three second memory? Are you a fish?"

Tom suddenly shouted, "FISH!!" He scared the pants out of me.

Fish? Has he gone mad??

I said, "Fish? Have you gone mad??"

He started laughing like a loon. It wasn't even proper laughing. Sort of choking laughing, "Fish,"

I repeated, "Fish?"

He said, "Yes, that's the way for you to get Georgia! It's suddenly so clear!! You are a genius!"

I said, "Tom, I am not going fishing with you. And also, I think you may have mixed Rosie and Georgia up. I don't think Georgia would be impressed by me showing her a herring,"

Tom said, "Exactly!!" and he started laughing again. I think his brain may have fallen out.

I was about to tell him so, but the bell rang and he had to rush off to Social Studies or something. He said, "Tell all the guys to meet in the Geoggers classroom at lunch,"

"I have a detention,"

"Now you don't,"

Roger that.

_**Drama**_

I cannot believe I have not realised that I am born for theatre. Because I am.

In our drama piece (unfortunately, not the Bird of Avon, so there weren't many laughs in the pants department) I have to walk around for the whole play, tutting and shaking my head and occasionally talking about Tree's Blowing in the Autumn Breeze.

It's kind of depressing actually.

_**Froggie**_

I wonder what Tom meant about fish? Or _poissons _as our Frogs-legs-a-gogo pals would say? I must take my mind off things.

_**20 minutes later**_

I amused myself by throwing pieces of rubber on Monsieur Croissant's (I've called him that from Day 1 and I have no idea what he is really called) projector. He got really twitchy about it because he couldn't figure out why there was black splodges all over the projection. It was a bit dull actually. Especially since I do it every lesson.

_**3 minutes later**_

Ed said, "_Tu est un pomme_,"

I said, "_Porquoi je suis un pomme_?"

Ed said, "I don't know. _Mais, tu est un pomme_,"

_**2 minutes later**_

I am apparently half apple and half biscuit, and may become chocolate chipped because of a fish. I feel so confused. I am having an identity crisis and I am only sixteen.

_**1 minute later**_

I am also a hermaphrodite according to Sven.

_**2 minutes later**_

As much as I would like to be the proud owner of a pair of nunga nungas, I do not want to be half-girl half-boy. Anyway, I could grow them completely disposed to the way of the trouser snake. I could get really fat and…Erlack. No.

_**Lunch**_

Me and Ed rushed to the Geoggers classroom like a couple of loons before I could be dragged away to Detention City, Arizona. The classroom was empty. Tom and the rest of my so called mates are probably getting lunch. And depriving me of ways a fish can capture a Sex Kitty. Not that I care.

_**2 minutes later**_

That must be it! Like how you call cats in. You dangle a fish in front of their nose and say 'Here, fishy, fishy,"

Nah, that can't be it.

Can it?

_**3 minutes later**_

I am not dangling a fish in front of Gee's nose.

_**5 minutes later**_

Edward got out a lighter.

I said, "I didn't know you smoked,"

He said, "I don't. It's just rocky to have one,"

Rocky? He sounds like a Blunder Boy Trainee. He just kept flicking the flame on and off, like he was being vair, vair coolio. He wasn't.

_**2 minutes later**_

It is fascinating though. Just watching the flame go up and down. Sort of hypnotising. Up and down and up and down and up and down…

Ed said, "Tempting, isn't it?"

I said, half hypnotised, "Huh?"

He said, "This," and set the corner of a piece of paper on fire, and then quickly put it out.

I said, "Don't tempt me. You have no idea how many times I hoped for this place to burn down,"

He just carried on flicking the lighter, setting paper on fire, and then putting it out and generally being naff. And then, I have no idea how he did it, but he managed to set his tie on fire!! He started thumping it, to try and put it out but he just looked like a mad man who was thumping himself. And it wouldn't go out. And he had to dive onto the floor and start rolling around. I could not stop laughing, I really know I shouldn't in such poo, but I was, and that was the truth. He kept asking me to help him, but I just couldn't. Hahahaha.

I was still laughing when Tom, Dec and Rollo came in.

They looked at me, looked at Ed rolling on the floor, looked at his tie and then poured their drinks over him like the Fireman Patrol.

_**3 minutes later**_

Ed looks hilarious. His tie was all singed and his shirt was covered in ribena stains. He is all huffy and moody.

I said, "You don't look flaming happy today," and we all started laughing again.

_**1 minute later**_

God I'm hungry. But I can't risk going into the canteen. Because Tuck and his band of Merry Men will be there, wondering why I have not reported to detention.

I said, "God, I'm hungry,"

But they didn't seem to care.

So I said, "_God, I'm hungry,"_

Rollo coughed up some hula hoops. Yum, yum.

_**4 minutes later**_

I said, "So, Tom, what is your great plan of Fish?"

Tom said, "Well, I know full well Gee has jealous tendencies because of my brother. He says Gee tends to get jealous of Lindsay when she is around him,"

And I needed to know that, because? In fact it made me feel weird, actually.

I said, "Yes, and, back on track, please,"

Tom said, "Ah, but first I want you to admit that you love her,"

Everyone was staring at me like goggy loons.

I said, "I don't though,"

Tom said, "So why are you here then?"

I said, "Tommy, you had a spaz attack over some fish. Of course I am here. It may be important information when I phone the Health Service to send the white-coats after an escaped mad man,"

Rollo said, "Just admit it, Dave,"

_**2 minutes later**_

What's to 'admit'? I have nothing to admit. I don't love Georgia. I may have. Once. But not now. Nope. Deffo not. Nuh-uh.

They just kept staring at me. So I stared back. I could last far longer than them.

_**1 minute later**_

God, I hate long silences. I always want to babble to fill it in. It's really scary. I mean them shutting up for once. Not me babbling. Although I can say some pretty scary stuff! Hahaha! Shut up.

I am not going to say that.

Because I don't.

Do I?

_**2 minutes later**_

I gave in. "I love Georgia. There. You happy?"

Tom said, "Thrilled Dave, thrilled,"

I said, "So what is your plan regarding _le poisson_?"

Tom said, "Ah, well, I am a genius and a half. But as I said, you know that she has jealous tendencies?"

I said, "Yes,"

Tom said, "And I know that she does like you a bit through Jas, but it not enough to over take the Handbag Horse,"

Personally I don't trust a word Jas says, but I said, "Yes?"

Tom said, "Well, I thought we could play her back at her own game, turn the tables,"

I said, "How? I am not going transvestite, if that is what you are thinking,"

Tom said, ignorez-vousing me, "No. Just think Dave, it may put terrible stress on your brain, but think," The Cheek!! "Fish; do you get it?"

I thought about it. And then I said, "I think so,"

Tom looked relieved, "Do you?"

I said, "Yes…but I don't look good in scales,"

He biffed me. He is so violent.

"Fish! Herring! Red! Do you get it?"

Rollo said, "I do! Red Herring!" honestly, you really have to spell it out for some people, don't you?

I said, "Oh, Red Herring,"

Lovely Tom. Why you wanted to bring that up is only be known to Voledom.

He said, "You will play her back at her own game,"

Then I got it. "No way! Nuh-Huh! No chancio in hellio! I am not becoming a red herring again and I am especially NOT becoming a red herring for that Italian Gay Job!!"

Tom said, "You are so dense. Are you secretly blonde?"

Dec looked quite offended as he is blonde. But he is also Declan the Flower Man. And that we may not forget.

Tom said, "I am talking about _you_ getting a red herring and _you_ making _Georgia_ jealous, so she realises she does in fact love you back,"

I went into a bit of a dolly-daze about the 'love me back' bit. So he reckons she does secretly? Wow.

And then I realised what the rest of his sentence had been.

"I am not using someone as a red herring. Even I that is my only option. I am not doing that. I have been on the receiving end of it. I am not doing that across anyone. I am not like that. I am-"

Rollo said, "Dave, put a sock in it,"

I said, "No, this is preposterous, I refuse to-"

Rollo said, "Dave, if you don't put a sock in it, I will put it in for you. And trust me, you don't want my footie socks in your mouth,"

Erlack!! I shut up.

Dec said, "Tom has actually had a good idea, let the vole man speak,"

And then Tom had a nervy spaz at being called 'the vole man'. Good Grief Akimbo. Then there was a massive argument about Tom defending his voleyness and Dec defending his blondeness. It is ridiculous. This idea is ridiculous. I am not using anyone as a red herring. And that is final. Finito.

I said, "I am not using any one as a red herring,"

Tom said, "Dave, just listen,"

I blurted out, "No. I am not doing it. You listen, I feel crap as it is with girl kind at the moment. I have just broken Emma's heart, and she quite possibly hates me because I came clean about Georgia. But I have, in the past, upset Ellen and Rachel too. I am serial heart breaker. So I am not causing Girldom anymore grief by callously using one of their menagerie as a red herring. And even if I hadn't caused so much crap to girl kind, I still wouldn't. Because Georgia always acts like it is my fault when we have an out burst of red bottomosity- and I _know_ I added osity then. But she always gets all high and above me when we accidently snog, and I am apparently the bad one. But the one thing that stops me being worse that her is that I have never, ever used anyone how she has used me!"

They all just stared at me. I don't think they were expecting me to fess up. And to be honest; neither did I.

Then Tom cleared his throat and said, "But you won't be as bad as her. Because you are going to tell your red herring everything from the start,"

And much to their amazement I started laughing, "Oh, good one Tom. I go up to some random girl and say, 'Hi, do you fancy pretending to be going out but only to make the girl I love jealous, so she will stop trying to turn gay men straight and go out with me? Oh yes, and by the way, once she does go out with me, your services are no longer required'? Girls are going to be all over me, aren't they?"

Dec said, "I have to admit Tom, you're idea is sounding crapper by the minute,"

Tom said, "It won't be some random girl. It'll be my cousin. She'll do it. She is always up for a laugh,"

I said, "So you want me to get off with your cousin?"

He said, "No, we'll make you seem absolutely head over heels with my cousin,"

I said, "So you want me to pretend to fancy the pants off your cousin?"

Tom said, "We will do it in a sophisticated way, though. We will, through Jas, get ideas off how Georgia behaved around the Italian Homosexualist. We will make her think that you are absolutely besotted with her. And Georgia will be so miffed if she thinks you don't like her, you like someone else that she'll come to her senses about you,"

I said, "So you want me to pretend your cousin is a luuurve goddess?"

He said, "Yes,"

_**1 minute later**_

Thinking.

_**2 minutes later**_

Thinking and eating Hula Hoops.

_**3 minutes later**_

Thinking and putting Hula Hoops on my finger like rings.

_**1 minute later**_

Dec said, "I like your bling, Dave. Such _crisp_ style you have,"

I just looked at him. And then I said to Tom, "She is not the buck toothed cousin is she?"

Tom said, "No, I wouldn't wish Carly on you, mate. This Cousin, she lives in Hamburger-a-gogo land, and she is staying over for a fortnight,"

Ooooh. Hamburger-a-gogo-nese.

_**2 minutes later**_

Still thinking.

_**1 minute later**_

Thinking and screwing up my Hula Hoop Packet.

_**2 minutes later**_

Thinking and seeing how small of a ball I can make that Hula Hoop Packet into.

_**4 minutes later**_

"Dave, you've been thinking for the last ten minutes," Dec shook me, "You are scaring me,"

Tom said, "Listen, my cousin is only here for a bit. She's not going to care whether she's being used or not. She'll think it's 'sweet' that you like Georgia. It's a win-win situation; she gets to have her 'holiday fun' as she puts it and you make Georgia jealous enough to come running back to you,"

Ah. Fair 'snuffs when he put it that way.

_**3 minutes later**_

Operation: Red Herring II commences!!

_**RE**_

Tom is going to get Jas in on Operation: Red Herring II. I think that is a vair, vair dim idea indeedy, as I do not trust Jas as far as I could throw her. But then again, I don't think it was a good idea including Dec. He is currently trying to turn a bottle of water into cola using the power of prayer.

I said, "Declan, my flowery chum, you do know it is water to wine, not water to cola, don't you?"

He said, "Yes but it is only two,"

What is he talking about?? He is barking.

I told him that, I said, "Dec, you are barking,"

He said, "Sorry, that was the pizza I had for lunch,"

Erlack!! I went over and sat by Rollo, who was meditating.

_**3 minutes later**_

Meditating is quite relaxing. We sat up in the legs all folded properly and stuff, saying 'Ohhhhhhhmmmmmmm'. It's relaxing but I cannot feel my legs. And it is playing haddock with my trousers.

_**Last Bell**_

What a wasted day. I wreaked no havoc or anything.

_**1 minute later**_

Wreaked no Havoc not including the Advert-Defacement. Which I was wrongly accused of. Ah, well. It was comedy genius. I don't think I've ever seen everyone laugh so much in assembly since Tuck got a wig.

I must find out who did it so I can send them a thank you card.

_**2 minutes later**_

Ah, brillopads. Speaking of the Advert Defacement; I cannot go out to freedom of pants, for Tuck and his deputy Nip are waiting at the schools gates. For the benefit of the dim, Nip is not meant in a rudey dudey sense. As every normal person would notice, it fits in well with tuck. As in Nip and Tuck. Because they try to Nip and Tuck us into shape. Get it? No?

Anyway, I said to Tom, "Oh, God. How am I going to escape? They will make me do my detention after school,"

He said, "You shouldn't skive out of it at lunch, then,"

Unbelievable! It was him who suggested I did!!

I said, "But I can't do it now, I need to help you explain the Operation: Red Herring II to Jas,"

Tom said, "No you don't. I'll do it,"

I said, "No you won't. Because you two young luuurved up badgers will just snog,"

Tom said, "We do other things than snog, Dave,"

I said, "No you don't,"

Tom said, "Yes, we do,"

"No, you don't"

"Yes, we do,"

"No, you don't,"

"Yes we do,"

"Oh! I forgot! You do impressions of voles as well,"

"No, we don't,"

"That's not an impression??"

_**3 minutes later**_

Tom is in a huff and a puff extraordinaire with me now. I think he thinks he is the Big Bad Wolf and he may start trying to blow houses down.

I said, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!!"

But he didn't get it.

_**4 minutes later**_

Climbed the wire fence at the back to escape from the hoard of Merry Men. It is like borstal in this school. Or at least a fairy tale book, with the teachers thinking they're Robin Hood and Tom thinking he is out of Three Little Pigs.

Who would I be?

What is biscuitish?

Ah, the Gingerbread Man, of course.

_**2 minutes later**_

Tom is still in a huff with me. I wasn't even that insultive. He takes everything far too seriously. I swear, Jas does not do him any good. She is a bad influence on him humpty-wise.

I said, "Tom, speak to me,"

He said, "Hmp,"

I said, "If you speak to me I will look at your newt collection,"

He said, "Hmp,"

Oh dear. I am truly going to have to pull out all the stoppers and bungs with this.

"If you speak to me I will go rambling with you, but that is my final offer,"

He said, "Ok,"

Damn.

_**Outside Stalag 14**_

_**3.40pm**_

Jas was standing outside Stalag 14. On her owny. Gosh, did she know I needed to talk to her without the rest of the Ace Gang? Oh, no. You know what this means, don't you? That Tom and her have a psychic connection and send messages through their brains.

Either that or pigeon post.

I said, "Howdy-do, ma'am fringey, where's Gee and crew?"

Jas said, "They all got detention in for irritating Elvis. It's so childish. I don't want to join in because I want to be a prefect,"

Oh. Right. Still, how convenient!!

I said, "Jas, you know you luuurve me?"

She just looked at me, then said, "No,"

I said, "Jas, you know you luuurve Gee?"

She said, flicking her fringe at me, "I am not a lezzy, Dave,"

I said, "Of course not, you're a vole," she looked like she wanted to kill me, so I quickly said, "And a gorgey vole at that,"

Tom said, "Do you want me to ask her?"

I said, "Yes, that might be the best option,"

_**3 minutes later**_

Amazingly Jas agreed to assisting in Operation: Red Herring II. That I cannot believe. Today is truly being miraculous.

I asked her why and she said, "Well I am sick of Georgia flouncing around, waving her red bottom with ad hoc abandon. As much as I find you the most annoying boy-type in the world, if you can stop her then I'll help you,"

Blimey!!

_**5 minutes later**_

Right-oh. Plan is that Jas will discreetly pass on that me and Emma have fallen into the Bin of Break Ups and so Gee will know that I am young, hot and single and all that jazz. And she will say that I have dumped Emma for a Sex Kitty. Which sounds a bit mean, for it was not like that. But anyway, Georgia would get the Sneaky Suspicions that I am talking about her. But then, for the _piece de_ watsit. I will phone and tell her that I like someone else and I want her help. Or such Wubbish.

_**2 minutes later**_

I know that is flaunty and teasing and nasty and low and stuff, but it desperate times call for desperate measures. I am sick of waiting around after her and I am being forced to take Drastic Measures.

_**3 minutes later**_

She has done the exactly the same thing to Robbie using me. So I don't need to feel guilty, and my red herring will know she is a red herring. So I am not leading anyone on. I wear the Higher Pants in the Fiasco.

_**5 minutes later**_

So no need to jump onto the Guilt Train and ride to Platform Nine.

_**1 minute later**_

Georgia and Ace Gang came out from the school. They all waved when they saw us. I suddenly felt really bad about the operation and had to scamper off sharpish.

_**6 minutes later**_

I don't need to though.

_**Home**_

_**4.00pm**_

Yesss. I have the house to myself!! Well, apart from Ma'am Obesity of Kittykat Kind. She wrapped herself around my ankles when I got in. Like a mad cat tripper-upper.

I said, "I haven't got any food on me!!"

She hissed at me and waddled off.

_**4.30pm**_

Tom rang, "Dave, have you phoned Georgia yet?"

I said, "Not yet,"

Tom said, "I think you should,"

I said, "Tom, encase you haven't noticed, you are on the phone and therefore I can't phone Georgia,"

Tom said, "I phoned up my cousin and she thinks the idea is 'cute' and she is deffo in. She's arriving tomorrow,"

I said, "Oh," I couldn't think what to say. Everything is happening so fast.

Tom said, "Do you want me to come round?"

I said, "Tom, I don't need you to hold my hand when I phone Georgia. I am not going to get a fit of the heebies,"

He said, "But you might get a fit of the jeebies. Hold your pants, I am coming round,"

And he hung up. And then I said, "Oy, _hold your pants_?! That's my line!"

But he had already gone.

_**2 minutes later**_

Why is everyone copying me recently? Phil the Nerd says he is Jack the Biscuit (which he is NOT) and Tom talks about Pants.

_**1 minute later**_

I must be a fashion icon.

When I am a famous stand up comedian, I will have to be very careful of what I wear when papped, if everyone is so obsessed with my (excellent) sense of style.

_**3 minutes later**_

Or I could go out in big Clown Trousers. And see if anyone copies that. Because it would be hilarious.

_**5 minutes later**_

I am sure I have a pair of Clown Trousers somewhere. I got it in a set for a circus themed party last year. Which my red nose came with.

I wonder it still fits?

I must look for it!!

_**2 minutes later**_

I have found the curly green wig that was also with it. I put it on my head and carried on searching for the clown trousers.

_**3 minutes later**_

Found the clown shoes, but they don't fit anymore. By that I mean widthways not lengthways. Lengthways you could get another two feet in them.

Shame, really. I had such good laughs with them. I fell over every two seconds.

_**1 minute later**_

I can just about squeeze them on, actually. It hurts like billio, but they still look amazing. What I do for beauty.

_**5 minutes later**_

Yes! Yes! And three Times yes! I have found the clown trousers! And they still fit! They are all bright and rainbowish. I look spectacular. And they were with everything else.

_**1 minute later**_

Apart from the red nose. I had taken that out for laughs and hadn't put it back! Oh NO! Where is it?? I can't be a clown without my red nose!!

_**10 minutes later**_

Found it. It was in my drawers (oo-er!).

_**3 minutes later**_

I am going to give Tom a scare he will never forget mad clown wise.

I have stolen Mutti's red lippy and drawn a smile stretching eye to eye on myself.

_**2 minutes later**_

Truly Outstanding and hilarious!!

_**5 minutes later**_

There are no snacksies. Obviously Mutti and Vati have not sorted out their quarrels, shopping wise. They have no parental instincts. They are like those people who eat their children. Although, obviously, they have not eaten me.

_**1 minute later**_

Otherwise I would not be here, and what a crime to humanity that will be.

And it is a crime to humanity to not have access to Jammy Dodgers or Pop Tarts at all. I will have to go out and buy something. As I am such a good host.

_**15 minutes later**_

I brought some of those little mini pizzas. They are vair, vair nice indeedio. I also have brought some basic necessities. i.e. Pop tarts, Malteasers, Midget Gems and general nutritious things. But they are for me and I will not be sharing upon the pain of my pants.

_**2 minutes later**_

I had taken the money from Vati's wallet as I am still in severe desperados money-wise since I brought my Jack the Biscuit Trainers. I have 72p. And that is that.

Of course Vati won't mind me taking his money. Unless he finds out. Then I would be vair dead indeedy.

Ah well.

_**5 minutes later**_

The girl at the till in the Spar couldn't stop staring at me. I think she was vair, vair impressed with my Clown Attire.

Either that or she thought I was a nutter of first waters.

_**7 minutes later**_

Door Bell rang. I fell down the stairs in my gigantibus clown shoes to open it. Ah, well, let the laugh fest begin!!

I opened the door and there was Tom. He jumped out of his skin when he saw me. Dave the Laugh strikes again!!

He said, looking me up and down, "I am not going to ask. And don't tell me. I'd rather not know,"

And that is when I noticed he had Jas with him. Bugger.

_**3 minutes later**_

We went up to my room. I had to side step up the stairs for my shoes.

I get the drift Jas doesn't like me very much. She looked positively disgusted at the state of my room. So what? It's messy, but does she think I would run around tidying it? It would be unnatural to not have clutter.

And she threw a big hoo-hah and spaz attack when we all sat down on my bed. Because I had my school trousers on it. Honestly, the way she reacted you would think they were a pair of my boxers. I just took them off and threw them at the floor. Not my boxers, obviously, I mean the trousers on the bed. She sat down but I think she was still huffy because my bed was not made.

I bet she irons her bed. And has lots of fluffy toys on it.

In size order.

_**4 minutes later**_

We all chatted for a bit about Operation: Red Herring II. His cousin sounds a bit on the Asylummed Nutter side. Ah well. It should be a hoot and a half.

Especially since she is all fine and dandy about the using business. I must admit I feel a bit bad about it, but Tom says she says she is cool about it. Tom says she is quite good looking, which makes me think he is a bit on the incestuous side.

I asked Jas what Georgia was going to say to me on Saturday night. But she wouldn't say and just flicked her fringe at me.

_**2 minutes later**_

Me and Tom started compiling Operation: Red Herrings II. It was a bit awkward though. Jas was hanging over us like a bat. I didn't really know how to behave with her in my room. All other times I have had girls in my room, they have been girlfriends, so we snog. Obviously I cannot snog Jas and no way will I be having a threesome with her and Tom. I am just not that kind of guy.

_**5 minutes later**_

We are going to compose a PROPER to-do list of things I must include in the operation. It was Jas' idea. I think she likes to organise everything. I bet she matches her socks into pairs.

I don't. And that is why I am wearing one Red sock and one Blue and White stripy sock.

I was all up for just tearing a page out of my School Books, but Tom said it had to be PROPER and went down stairs to knick some of the PROPER A4 paper. I think he is just trying to impress Ma'am Fringey. It is so sad.

Especially since he left me and the Fringey One alone.

I said, "Soooo,"

_**6 minutes later**_

Jas has got to be the most boring conversationalist ever known to man kind. She told me about her and Tom's rambles (which I will be forced on, as my bargain to Tom) and this incredible patch of moss, and a worm and a badger and some frog poo.

In the end I just squirted her with the squirty flower badge that is part of my clown set.

She went BALLISITICISIMUS!! It was terrifying; she went all red apart from the tip of her nose. Which went white.

Tom came back in and she was beating me to death with my pillow.

_**1 minute later**_

At least this has taken my mind off the Emma fandango. Although I must pop by hers sometime, and see if she is ok.

Even though she may release her dog on me.

_**15 minutes later**_

We composed the PROPER listy. I have to say, despite her violent disposition, Jas came up trumps on the ideas department. She put ideas down from stuff Georgia has done. It will be like 'vair' and 'osity' and 'two short watsits on watsit tablets' and all that jazz. Like Georgia-a-gogo-nese(!). But in actions not words. I will use her language of stupid things she has done so she gets the idea put forward clearly and with firm pants.

But it did make me laugh. Georgia is so ridiculously stupid sometimes. When and not if, but when she is my Official type Snogging Partner, I will have to remind of these things.

_**3 minutes later**_

The listy is:

1)Scary Stalking Movements (Apparently it was a favourite pastime of Georgia's. Freaky Bananas!!)

2)Talking about Love Object constantly.

3)Worrying about appearance. Which is stupid because I always look good, as I am a biscuit.

4)Going 'Jelloid' (?)

5)Brain falls out when talking to Love Object otherwise known as Stupid Brain.

6)Talk Wubbish to Love Object.

7)Having the Gigantibus Green Eyed Monster when Love Object comes within ten miles of another guy.

8)Ask Georgia to be a detective about Love Object (which is a tad meanio, but I have to admit; it was my own genius, as she has used me like that quite a few times)

9)Ask Georgia for relationship advice. That should be hilarious. She shall be the Hornmistress.

10)'Rack of Luuurve' i.e. having problems with luuurve and feeling tortured, see?

Well, this is going to be larks unbounded. Although I had to ask Jas some of the finer points of the list.

I said, "Jas, in all your Wise Woman of the Forest-type wisdomosity, could you explain what is the difference between Stupid Brain and Talking Wubbish. If your brain falls out then you will talk Wubbish, so isn't it the same?"

She said, "No, because with stupid brain, you can't talk at all,"

I said, "Like lock jaw?"

She said, getting irritated with me, "No, you just make noises,"

"Oo-er, what like?"

She said, "Nnugh,"

I said, "Nnugh?"

Jas said, "Yes…but you need to sound stupider than that,"

So I stuck my tongue out the side of my mouth and cross my eyes and went, "Nnunngh!"

Tom said, "I am sorry, mate, but I will have to tell you that you, and I mean this in a fond way, look like a complete goofball. Especially in that clowns outfit. And forgive me, but…are you wearing lipstick?"

I said, "Yes, do you want a snog?"

Unfortunately they both did not realise I was joking and just looked at me.

So I said, "And what is 'jelloid'? Doesn't Jelloid mean fat? I am not piling on pounds, I may outgrow my pants,"

Jas said, "No, Jelloid mean two things; fat and you know, jelloid knickers… you know,"

Jelloid Knickers? Even Jas is becoming obsessed with pants.

I said, "No, I don't know. That is why I am asking,"

Jas went a bit blushy, "When you fancy someone so much that when you see them or hear them, you go all knock-kneed and can barely stand, and you feel all melty,"

Me and Tom just looked at her and then looked at each other and then looked back at her. She went all shifty.

I said, "You have a pretty good account of it," and I nudged Tom.

She went beetroot and said, "Dave, I am far above that, me and Hunky-"

"HUNKY??"

I nearly wet myself for the second time today.

_**2 minutes later**_

Hahahaha. Hunky.

I shall never, ever, ever let them live that down.

Ever.

_**2 minutes later**_

Tom said, "Shall we phone Georgia? "

I said, "Great idea Hunky,"

Have you ever been duffed up severely by your best mate? Have you ever been duffed up by your best mate and his girlfriend?

I have.

_**6 minutes later**_

We all went down stairs so I could phone Georgia and set the ball a-rolling. I honestly don't see why we can't have an extension so I can talk upstairs. In privacy.

Luckily, the Resident Loons are out, and I have barricaded the front door so they can't walk in on us. i.e. I have shoved my key in the inside-type side of the lock so they will not be able to get their keys in.

_**2 minutes later**_

Right-oh. Time to phone Georgia and- Oh, bugger. Jas is looking at photos of me as a baby. Can't she keep her fringe out of my business?

I said, "Jas, you nosy minx, I know I am the cutest thing since the last cutest thing, but you must control yourself,"

And she went 'hmp'. I have no idea why Tom brought her round. She doesn't like me. It's official.

_**5 minutes later**_

Phoned Georgia.

I was feeling in an exotic Hawaiian mood, in a clown way, so I said, "Aloha, Gee, I have just rung to inform you of my new singlicosity,"

Yes, I know I said 'osity' AGAIN. But I am allowed. Not speaking to Georgia in her language would be like trying to get a Lederhosen-a-gogo Folk to understand you in English. Unless they speak English but that defeats the point- oh, shut up Dave.

She said, "I know, I heard,"

I gave Jas a thumbs up sign in thanks for telling Georgia. I didn't think she would do it, truth be known. Tom must have bribed her with something…Erlack! I must get the image of Jas and Tom out of my head. I feel violated.

I said, laughing, "So, I guess you heard why?"

I could hear her twisting the phone cable in her fingers, "Yes, you dumped Emma…for a Sex Kitty…Dave?"

"Yes, I am at your service, oh, Kittykat one,"

"I am very, err, flattered Dave, that you like me and such like, but it wasn't really fair to dump Emma like that. And I've got Masimo, I'm sorry, but I don't want to be your official snogging partner. I don't, um, like you in that way back. We are just matey-type mates, Dave, can we just stay like that? Please? I don't want to put stress on our friendship if you fancy me,"

I don't know why but that felt horrible to hear that. But Tom and Jas had heard everything, as the phone was on loud speaker so they prod me in the right direction, if needs be, so I had this really huge fake laughing spaz. You know, to make it seem such an idea had never occurred to me.

I said, after giving Spazdom a good meet-and-greeting, "Oh, Gee. You are a Kittykat loony of the highest waters. And mad. Don't flatter yourself. What makes you think, wrongly may I add, it is you I am talking about?"

She was silent for a bit and then she said, quietly, "Oh, I thought...well, you said that you loved me, the once..."

I turned the phone onto normal speaker so Jas and Tom couldn't hear anymore. Not that I am chickening out. It is just, I don't want them to hear it…

I said, innocently, "Did I? When?"

She said, sort of funnily, "On the Camping Lark. You said, 'you are very nearly an honorary bloke, and that is why I love you',"

She remembered that? Oh, God, I had sort of hoping she'd forgotten that. I had said a bit too much then. I don't think she realised how much I told her. I wonder whether she figured it out?? I felt really odd acting innocent on it.

I lied, "Oh, God. I'm sorry, did you think that I meant it in a love-love way? I forget you girls over-analyse everything. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that I love you in an I-want-to-be-your-one-and-only way. I meant like a friend way or how I love chocolate,"

How bad did that sound?? Vair, vair bad. Jas and Tom were just looking at me. And so was Patch. I think she could sense my pain. Or she heard me say 'chocolate'

She said, in a kind of frustrated way, "But, you are always snogging me and stuff! You don't snog chocolate do you?"

"I might,"

"You don't,"

"How do you know?"

"I'd be quite worried if you did Dave,"

And then I was forced to say the most meanest thing I have ever, ever said to her. I deserve to have a muzzle on my mouth and never be allowed to talk again. But I had to say it, "I snog you because I fancy a snog, simple as that,"

She sounded like she was going to cry, "So... I am just another snog then?" Oh God. I wonder if all Biscuits feel so bad when they turn down Chocolate Chips to their faces?

I said, "Aaaaw, Kittykat, you make that sound terrible. Wasn't that all I was to you? I thought- I wasn't leading you on or anything was I?"

Then she started laughing like a loon, "Of course not. Don't be silly, you were just a release of red bottomosity, Hahahaha, what larks,"

I said, "Well, if you are sure," But I could not resist adding on; "You don't, err, fancy _me_ do you?"

She said, "Hahahaha, Dave, good one, Hahahahahaha,"

She didn't say 'no'…But I didn't point this out and laughed with her.

She said, in what I think she imagined was a casual, I'm-not-interested way, (it wasn't) "So why are you phoning me about your singlicosity?"

I said, "Wellllll, I was going to ask for your assistance luuurve wise, but you don't think it'll put any stress on our friendship, as you said, do you?"

"Of course not, don't be ri-diddly-iculous,"

I said, "I am only asking you because you are my bestest girl mate,"

"_Oui_,"

"Who I trust beyond beliefiosity,"

"_Oui_,"

"Who has experience in these matters,"

Yeah, far too much.

"_Oui_,"

"Who talks an annoying amount of Froggie, but I still love it, oh, wait, I will say like it, to save confusiosity,"

"Dave, just tell me, why do you need assistance luuurve wise?"

I said, "Weellllll," and took a deep breath and said, "You know when you really like someone but they don't like you back?" I do, "And they don't even think you exist and all that poo?"

She was going 'Uh-hmmm' far too much for my liking. Tom and Jas were giving me the thumbs up signs, so even though I sounded like a prat of first water, I sounded convincing. Like a convincing prat of first water.

"Well, there's this girl who has just come over from Hamburger-a-gogo land," Crappity, crap, crap, crap!! I don't even know her name!! I mouthed to Tom 'name' 'name' every time I stopped for a breath and Gee went 'Uh-hmmm'. He just looked at me blankly. Honestly, he has a vegetable for a brain. Literally probably. I had to drag my conversation out with Georgia, saying Wubbish about being invisible and other dim things. Eventually Jas got it and told Tom and Tom quickly grabbed my maths book from my bag and wrote in it 'Jaden'.

I said, "Her name's Jaden," Georgia just carried on 'uh-hmmm'ing. Doesn't she care? After all the fuss she made about her being just a snog and me saying I love her, you would have thought she would have been a bit more than 'uh-hmmm'ing wouldn't you.

So I decided to play it dirty and really pull out all the bungs and stoppers, "She is really pretty, Gee," Tom pointed at his hair and the yellow Teletext button on the remote control to say she had blonde hair and I should mention it.

"She has this really nice sort of blonde hair- not that I usually go for blonde, as in beware of the air head, but oh, she is really gorgey and-"

She said, "Dave, you sound so incredibly superficial. I didn't know you are that shallow,"

Oh, she can talk!! Miss I-can't-go-out-the-house-without-lip-gloss.

I said, in a oh-I've-just-come-out-of-a-daze-type way, "Shallow? I'm not being shallow. And I don't think you should lecture me about superficialness. Isn't that what your relationship with the Italian Homosexualist is based on?"

Oh dear. Back to your cage, Green Eyed Monster!!

Obviously Gee noticed my Green eyed Monster had reared its ugly head because she said, "Dave you sound a bit odd. What is it you want me to do vis-à-vis your luuurve goddess?"

So she's picked up on the Luuurve Goddess idea. Good.

I said, "Well, I was sort of hoping…you know, maybe we could…follow her around so I could kind of…you know,"

Oh, I am such a good actor. I could hear Georgia dying of laughter down the phone. I think she fell over at one point.

Then she said, when she calmed down, "Dave, that is really pathetic, and so unlike you. Have you gone mad?"

It was tempting to go, 'No, are you mad' but I am not doing phone-tickly bears or phone-snogging in front of Tom and Jas, "Maybe, I don't know. Oh, Gee, she is a deffo 10. What do you think I am?"

And she went silent for a long time. A very long time. I may have grown a beard.

"Gee? Are you still there? I only mean as mates of course,"

I could hear her thinking, sort of clicking her tongue. I don't think she realises she does that. It's quite annoying, actually.

Then she said, "Nine,"

Wow! I am a nine! That is one mark off perfect!!

I said, "Ah! Thanks Gee, you are so honest, it's scary, I love you!!"

And I hung up. I don't know why I added the 'I love you', but it just sort of fell out. Ah, well. Better out than in.

I said, as we went back up to my room, "How'd I do?"

Tom said, "You are a great actor, I am never going to be able to trust you again,"

Jas said, "What rating did she give you?"

I said, "Jas, I am Jack the Biscuit, I never get anything less than a ten,"

Jas said, wide-eyed like an owl, "She gave you a TEN!?"

Why does she sound so surprised?

I said, lying on my bed, hands behind head like the king of cool, "Yep,"

Tom said, "She didn't give you a ten, did she?"

I said, "Yep,"

Tom said, "What did she really give you?"

I said, "A nine,"

But they didn't believe me. And that is the selfishiosity of their lives.

_**7.45pm**_

It's quite nice just hanging around with Jas and Tom. We are all lay on my bed, going across it lengthways, other wise we'd all be squashed together and I am putting my foot down with pants of led at being snuggled into either Jas or Tom. They are just telling me something about moss and I am pretending to listen. It is quite relaxing actually; I don't understand a word they are saying.

And best of all my elderly loons aren't back, still. I wonder where they have got to? Not that I care.

I could see the stars out my window and I can hear the cat whining downstairs and I can smell the sweet smell of mini pizzas burning…

"OH GOD! The mini pizzas are burning!!"

I rushed downstairs like a loon.

_**3 minutes later**_

I opened the oven door and I was engulfed by a cloud of black smoke and nearly died of a coughing fit.

The pizzas were charcoaled. But then, who can expect them to be edible after two hours? Especially since the packet said fifteen minutes.

I am surprised they were not on fire really.

They were like pieces of brick. Even Patch turned her nose up at them. And that is saying something.

_**5 minutes later**_

I went upstairs, only to find Jas and Tom snogging for all England. On my bed. Honestly, can they leave each other alone for five seconds? I was going to share my Jammy Dodgers with them, but now I'm not so sure.

_**8.30pm**_

The Badgers have gone home. Probably to snog in private. Or compare moss.

_**3 minutes later**_

I could never ever be like them. Moss-wise, I mean. Snog-wise, quite frankly, if I get Georgia, then my mouth may be permanently engaged.

_**4 minutes later**_

And any other part of me for that matter. Shut up.

_**11.00pm**_

Elderly Loons looned back. I was busy taking advantage of having free run of the house by watching a horror movie on the downstairs TV (not anything to do with being picked off, as I have already had one heart attack vis-à-vis that). They came stumbling through the front door and into the living room.

Then Mutti screamed, "It's an evil clown!!"

Pants. I had forgotten I was wearing my clown costume. I turned around to look at them. They were drunk. Very responsible, going out getting drunk. I could have worried sick. Could have. But actually, I was chuffed to pieces I had the house to myself. They can go out a lot more, if they would like, or better still just bugger off completely.

I said, "Shush, Mutti, I am trying to watch a Zombie have his head sawed off here, you are ruining the mood that the eerie music is trying to create,"

Vati said, "Ooooh, a moody clown!! Shall I throw a pie at you?"

Has he gone mad? And they then tried to honk my red nose and chased me around the house. And I kept tripping over my big clown shoes. It was virtually child abuse. I think they genuinely think I am a clown, they are that drunk.

I scampered upstairs and put my Wardrobe in front of the door.

_**2 minutes later**_

I hope they both wake up with terrible hangovers.

_**3 minutes later**_

I can hear them stumbling around, saying, "Where are you little clown?"

_**5 minutes later**_

And now I can hear them falling over all over the place downstairs. At least I hope that's falling over.

_**1 minute later**_

Some one has just fallen all the way down the stairs, but I cannot be bothered to look.

_**Midnight**_

So Operation: Red Herring II is underway.

_**2 minutes later**_

Georgia won't know what hit her.

_**4 minutes later**_

I wonder what Jaden looks like?

_**8 minutes later**_

Although I still feel bad about Emma. I will go and see her tomorrow.

_**4 minutes later**_

Oh, no. Wait. I can't. I'll be meeting Jaden tomorrow.

She'll have to be the next day

_**2 minutes later**_

I have three girls on my Platter of Luuurve to juggle.

_**6 minutes later**_

Hee hee. Aren't I callous?

_**8 minutes later**_

Luckily I will not be being mean to Jaden in any shape of form as she is in on the whole thing.

_**3 minutes later**_

In fact she thinks me liking Georgia is 'cute'.

_**2 minutes later**_

Hmmmmmmmmm.

_**1 minute later**_

She sounds quite weird actually.

_**5 minutes later**_

I have to admit; I am quite excited about meeting Jaden.

_**8 minutes later**_

And excited that I have a PROPER plan to make Georgia my one and only.

_**2 minutes later**_

I am like an excited thing in clown trousers. That is how excited I am. I will never be able to sleep- Zzzzzzzzzz.

* * *

**So there we go! Now you know how the theme of the Fanfiction! So what do you think??**

**By the way, vis-à-vis the bonking joke, I got the idea off this advert that pops up the side of my screen when I send an email. It says 'Discover a New World of Banking' but I didn't look at it properly and I genuiningly thought it said bonking. So I apolygise for the childishness.**

**Anyway, there you go! Is so far so good??**


	10. Gee: Without a Pigeon of a Doubt

**I have reached new levels of sadnosity. In German because we did our GCSE early in year nine rather than year eleven we are doing a teaching course called 'Language Leaders'. And we are doing a practice session for our peers (because we will ultimately go and teach at the first school). We have to teach these phrases like 'I get up' and 'I eat breakfast' and 'I go home' etc. And do you know how I persuaded our group to do it?? Well, ya seeeee, I stole a school exercise book and have dedicated it to pictures of Dave's side of this fanfic (which I will upload when I am finished this, as not to ruin the plot) and I've used Dave's cartoony person and we are doing the phrases in a presentation entitled…drum roll, please…A day in the life of Dave. Or _Ein Tag im der Leben von Dave_. God, I am so sad. I am surprised my group tolerates me. We have little pictures of him (and a pet snail PLEASE don't ask me why he has a pet snail in these pictures, he just does) and it says stuff like _'Ich woche auf'_ and stuff. And I shall be teaching it in front of twenty students… not that it is news for them that I fancy a fictional character…I kind of gave it away by writing 'I heart D.t.L' on my school books and everyone was like 'Who's D.t.L, Katie??" until I told them.**

**God!! I'm babbling! Here's the Fanfiction, anyway!**

* * *

_**Georgia**_

**A Pigeon of a Doubt**

_**Monday 19th September**_

_**7.45pm**_

Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my Giddy God's Pyjamas.

_**1 minute later**_

Right. Breathe. Slowly.

_**2 minutes later**_

What in the name of pants is Robbie doing outside my front door??

I said before I could stop myself, "What in the name of pants are you doing outside my front door??"

Oh well done, Georgia. Bravo. Three Cheers and all that Jazz. You have just said 'pants' in front of a Sex God. He probably thinks you are a really rude-type person now. Who talks about pants. Oh Godddd.

But Robbie said, "Can you come out for a bit, Georgia?"

What's this? He sounds like a ten year old asking me to go play hopscotch with him. Oh No! Mouth, on no account are you to mention hopscotch.

But for once my mouth didn't seem to work and I just nodded like a stiff nodding dog and stepped out the front door.

Robbie said, "Erm, Georgia? Do you want to get dressed first?"

I was wearing my Teletubby Pyjamas. Typico.

_**2 minutes later**_

Why, in the name of pantyhose did I have to tell him I will hopscotch up the stairs to get dressed? Why??

_**1 minute later**_

I am wearing my fabby grey-ish blue skinny jeans and my yellow t-shirt. I like to think it looks bright and friendly with a hint of I-am-a-trothed-womaniosity.

That is what I like to think.

_**3 minutes later**_

I will keep my make up to the barest minimum. So it is only foundation, concealer, mascara and a hint of eye liner. It doesn't matter because I don't need to worry about entrancing Robbie. He is yesterday's news.

_**1 minute later**_

Isn't he?

_**30 seconds later**_

Lip Gloss. Do I wear it or does that look a bit too desperados? Or don't I? But if don't he might think I want a snog and I don't want to get it on his face. But he might think I want a snog if I _do_ wear it.

Oh Godddd.

_**2 minutes later**_

The Lip Gloss is on and Devil can take hindmost. And frontmost.

_**5 minutes later**_

Robbie was sitting on the wall outside the house when I came out. He looked vair, vair sexy in a 'Cor Blimey! I've missed you' way. I think I may have got the touch of the jelloid knees.

Uh-Oh.

He turned around and looked at me when he heard me coming (because my jelloid legs were making me thud down the drive like an Obese Elephant) and smiled. And it wasn't a 'Hello, Ex' forced-type smile. It was a proper smile which reached his eyes and made them go all smiley. If you know what I mean and I think you do. He looked really happy to see me. Gadzooks! What does he want?

He took my hand and we walked for a bit.

_**2 minutes later**_

This is quite freaky bananas. Neither of us are talking. We are just walking. Isn't it supposed to be walk and talk not walk and be silent?

Shut up brain!

_**1 minute later**_

Does he want me to talk? That's a bit rude seeing as he is the one who wanted to walk. He should talk. He should walk and talk. And I just gawk. At him that is. Because he looks gorgey. And a half- ShutupShutupShutup!!

_**3 minutes later**_

I am going to have to say something soon. I feel like I am going to explode otherwise.

I was about to ask him what all this was about when he pushed me up against a wall (not too gently may I add) and started snogging me to an inch of my life(!) Blimey O'Reily's Pantaloons!!

It wasn't even the slow and nice romantico snogging with the varying pressure thing he used to do. It was all pushy up and hard. Oo-er.

_**1 minute later**_

Oh PANTS! I should not be doing this! I should NOT be doing this! I have once again, fallen into the trap of the cosmic horn.

I am just going to have to say, "Robbie, you Sex God-type Beast, calm down!! I know I am a Sex Kitty but I am also the girlfriend-type fandango of Masimo, the Luuurve God. I can't go snogging you now. I am practically a married woman. And I have my digniosity,"

That was what I was going to say.

But I couldn't quite remember how to speak.

_**2 minutes later**_

Robbie has finally stopped snogging me. I couldn't breathe normally when he had. He was stroking my face, really gently. Looking into my eyes. With his gorgey porgey dark blue eyes. Phoar. I felt like melty eye girl.

Then he said, "Sorry, I shouldn't have done that,"

I said, "No, it's not bad. Good, good,"

What was I on about? A lot of WUBBISH that is what.

_**1 minute later**_

It was raining so we went back to Robbie's. His Elderly Loon's were out. And Tom was too. (How awkward would that be if Tom and Jas, otherwise known as the two headed monster, were here? Vair, vair awkward. They would be like agog voles, i.e. trés voley and trés agog)

He made me a coffee which was nice and we sat down in the living room. Robbie looked all thoughtful and deep. He wasn't saying anything. Is it the silent parade today?

I didn't know what to say and I was vair glad that I had the coffee so I had something to do with my hands.

_**30 seconds later**_

Robbie put his coffee down and sort of swivelled towards me. And then he said, "I've finished it with Lindsay,"

Oh dear. Worst fears confirmed. Lindsay was dumped.

I said, "Oh, why? She was very, um…nice,"

Well done Georgia! You have formed a proper sentence!!

He said, "I had to. It wasn't right. I couldn't keep going out with her when I liked someone else,"

What?! Oh no! I am not going through this again! First Dave the Laugh saying he dumped Emma, but not for me, for some tart called Jaden and now Robbie! What is it with the boy-types today? Do they think I am some sort of Agony Aunt? Well I am going to have to put my foot down with a firm hand and say 'no I'm not!' so take your problems somewhere else boys!!

But before I could say anything, Robbie said, "Georgia, that someone is you,"

And he snogged me.

_**8.20pm**_

I feel like a Dozy Bee. Robbie has to be one of the best snoggers in the world. Perhaps even better than Masimo. But Dave the Laugh is still top of the Snogging League. Even though I probably won't ever snog him again. Because he will be to busy snogging Jaden. Hmp. I was probably just practice to him.

Why am I so bothered about Dave the Laugh fancying someone else??

_**10 minutes later**_

Me and Robbie were talking for ages. Well, he did, I just tried to think of something normal to say.

He said, "I've really missed you, Georgia. I can't tell you how much I've missed you. Going to New Zealand was the most stupidest mistake of my life. Because I left you,"

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers! He didn't just take my heart with him to Whakatane. I kept his.

_**5 minutes later**_

I had to leave encase Tom came back with Jas. Well, I said that to him but really I just wanted to get back to my bed of pain and cry. How have I ended up on the Rack of Luuurve again?

_**Tuesday 20**__**th**__** September**_

_**8.40am**_

Everyone late for everything. Again. And Vati somehow managed to pour shaving foam in his coffee by rushing. And nearly choked. I thought I was going to have to perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre.

Happy Days!!

_**1 minute later**_

Well, not really happy days. I am vair, vair full of confusiosity vis-à-vis the Robbie type fandango.

_**4 minutes later**_

And the Dave the so called Laugh type fiasco.

_**1 minute later**_

Not that I care if he LOBES someone else. That isn't me.

_**Assembly**_

Slims chins were dancing like a couple of loons but I didn't find it funny. That is how truly miz and poo I am feeling.

_**3 minutes later**_

Why does Robbie have to want me now of all times?? Why couldn't he have told me that months ago?

_**1 minute later**_

Or even better, he didn't go to Whakatane at all and we stayed together.

_**2 minute later**_

The Sex God and the Sex Kitty.

_**30 seconds later**_

But does he want us to be like that again? The Sex God and the Sex Kitty? Like, proper Snogging Partners?

_**1 minute later**_

He didn't say he did. But if the feather was on the other wing, he didn't say he didn't.

_**2 minutes later**_

Do _I_ want us to be Proper Snogging Partners again?

_**Maths**_

I suppose there is a little part of me that does. After all he was my first luuurve and he was also the original Sex God. Who taught me the wonders of ear snogging. Which was literally groovosity-personified.

And I pined after him like a pining dog-type watsit when he left to snog wombats and wallabies in Kiwi-a-gogo land. And sit in streams playing 'Tie me down Kangaroo, Sport' on his guitar. And being all interested in trees and poo.

_**1 minute later**_

Probably quite literally. Especially the vole-sort.

_**4 minutes later**_

That was the problem with the Original S.G. If you unstripped (Oo-er!!) his Gorgey Porgey exterior, there was the problem of a sensible person lurking underneath. Who liked to wear rubber shoes from the vegetarian shop. And care about things.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I care about things. It is just that those things aren't global warming and world piece. I care about me.

That makes me sound like a really pooey selfish-type person, doesn't it? But I don't mean it like that. I mean it in a Oh-I-have-too-much-to-worry-about-in-my-hectic-life-as-a-Luuuurve-Goddess-type way.

_**3 minutes later**_

And what is the point of going out with Robbie again? How do I know that he won't go leaping after wombats again? Or getting onto planes on whiff and whim?

_**1 minute later**_

And I never really laughed with Robbie. Not really. We were quite a tragic couple. Marvy, but vair tragic. We practically spent half our time crying.

_**30 seconds later**_

And the other half snogging. Yummy Scrumboes…

_**1 minute later**_

Why am I thinking of Robbie the guitar plucker anyway? I have Masimo MY Italian Stallion. Who I love. Without a smidgeon of a doubt. And also a pigeon of a doubt for that matter.

_**2 minutes later**_

The Luuurve God is far better for me anyway. I do laugh with Masimo much more than I did with Robbie. Robbie just made me stupid through MEGA jelloidosity. Masimo makes me jelloid and he makes me laugh.

He is like the nice comfy middle. He is not at any extreme-type side of the scale of Boys.

_**1 minute later**_

The one side being Robbie and his Jelloid-tactics.

And the other being Dave the Laugh and his laughabilty factor.

_**3 minutes later**_

Dave the Laugh…

_**1 minute later**_

Dave the really-wormy-pooey-so-called Laugh-but-actually-he-is-not-a-Laugh.

_**2 minutes later**_

How DARE he call me to tell me that he fancies someone else??

_**3 minutes later**_

Not that I care. Much.

I am probably just all angry and feverish about what he said about our accidental snogs.

_**1 minute later**_

I was basically just his snogging release. For when he had snogging withdrawal.

_**2 minutes later**_

I feel like a fool and a twit to think he liked me.

Because you would think, seeing as he insisted on snogging _moi_, who is practically married to a luuurve god, he would have a better reason than 'Snogging Withdrawal'.

_**1 minute later**_

I get snogging withdrawal. But I snog the back of my hand to get rid of it. Not lead on other people.

Although, I have had accidental puckering up-watsits under the influence of Snogging Withdrawal and have accidentally snogged Dave the Laugh.

Only accidentally though.

_**4 minutes later**_

But there is no risk of accidental snogging outbursts now since he has found his Luuurve Goddess. We are deffo just going to be matey-type mate fandangos.

_**30 seconds later**_

Which is good. Very, very good.

_**5 minutes later**_

Rosie said, "I am a human calculator,"

I said, "Ok then, what is eight thousand and fifty seven divided by three?"

Rosie scratched her head thoughtfully (freaky bananas) for a bit and then said, "A number,"

I gave her the Cross-eyed Klingon Salute.

_**2 minutes later**_

When my brain stopped thinking (Gadzooks!!) and I was absorbed into the general naffiosity of Maths I found out we were doing Probability. I.e. trying to figure out what is going to happen. Like fortune telling. But with numbers. And therefore it is crap.

Miss Stamp, our revered three quarter person (one quarter Sports Oberführer, one quarter Moustached Lesbian and one quarter Maths Teacher) said, "So, using the text books, if the Hedgehog gets up before seven o'clock, how much less are the chances of him getting run over than if he got up later?"

I said, "That is not vair, vair nice, Miss, to talk about a hedgehog getting run over,"

She said, "It is the question in the book, Miss Nicolson,"

I said, "Yes, but you wouldn't like it if we were predicting the chances of you getting run over,"

But then, if I was the driver in the car, I would reverse at full throttle when I glimpse her moustache.

She said, "Georgia, it is just an example. Now, seeing as you have so much to say on the matter; what is the answer?"

I did pretendy thinking and then said, "I think we should set up a Save the Hedgehogs Club,"

She very nearly threw a protractor at me. She is so short-tempered.

And hairy.

_**3 minutes later**_

I got a bad conduct mark but I think it was worth it. I am still a comedy genius in a skirt and beret even in such times of inner turmoil and watsit.

Dave the Laugh best watch out on the comedy front!!

_**1 minute later**_

Why am I thinking about Dave the so-called Laugh anyway? He is dead to me. Like a dodo. Dave the Dodo.

_**Break**_

Jools is showing us some vair, vair sexy boots with stiletto heels she brought yesterday when she ransacked the town with Ellen, Mabs and RoRo. I wonder how in the name of pantyhose she managed to sneak them past the Nazi Patrol? How ever she did it, I am trés impressed.

Maybe she is like the Ninja Girl of the Night?

I asked her that, I said, "How did you sneak those in? Are you the Ninja Girl of the Night?"

She said, "No, I put them in my bag and then put them on when I got past Hawkeye and her staring fanatics,"

I said, "Good thinking, Batwoman,"

Jools said, "You should have come, Gee. You know those tiny Kitten Heels that were made for midgets that you stuffed your great big feet into? They had those in your size,"

Typico.

Then Mabs said, "Yeah, the shoe shop was quite packed actually. Like a bus. Or a lift. Loads of people were in there. We saw Dave's Emma in there…she looked a bit upset, actually. Maybe they didn't have her size in something…?"

I was happy to nod like one of those nodding dogs but Jas stuck her spanner in the works, "Actually, no. She is probably upset because Dave dumped her," and she nodded like a knowing owl. A vair annoying and fringey owl.

Ellen said, "What, um, like Dave and Emma are like, you know, broken up or, err, what?"

Shut up about Dave the Dodo.

Jas said, "Yes, he dumped her. For a Sex Kitty,"

I am going to KILL her.

The Ace Gang all stared at me like Seeing Eye dogs. Why? And then Rosie said, "Aye, aye, missus. _Gut_ thing I have my pipe for such an occasion,"

What? Does she carry it around where ever she goes?

I asked her that, I said, "Do you carry it around everywhere you go,"

She said, "It is my pride and joy; I am only half a woman without it. And that is not attractive because that shall mean I will only have one nunga. But quit stalling; what is all this about Dave dumping Emma for a Sex Kitty?"

I said, "What has it got to do with me?"

Rosie said, "Don't play dim, Ringo. We all know our Laughing Chum calls you 'Sex Kitty',"

Mabs said, "And it is sooo obvious that he fancies you,"

Even Ellen had a go. She said, "And he, um, calls you, like Kittykat...doesn't he?"

I looked at her in shock. She must be well and truly over the laugh and into her Startled Gazelle-type Boy. Thank PANTS.

Jools said, "And he looks at you funny when he thinks you are not looking at him,"

I muttered, "If he looks at me funny, I dread to think what he looks like when he looks at Jaden,"

They all said, "Who??"

I had to explain about the phone call (minus the gory details about 'Why doesn't he luuurve me?'). I said, "And he asked me to help him score this loser called Jaden,"

They were all agog but Jas said, "Yeah, I know,"

What in the name of Pantibus is she on about?

I asked her that, I said, "What in the name of pantibus are you on about? How can you know? We you using that fortune telling maths watsit?"

She said, "No, I was there when he phoned you,"

WHAT?? Did he make it a public display thing? How bad and horrid is that??

I said, "Were you being a fly on the wall? Why in the name of arse were you over at Dave the Laugh's house?"

Even I have never been to Dave's house before. And I should have… in my capacity as his bestest girl mate, of course.

His bestest girl mate who he used to snog. If helping him get stupid Jaden expands to snogging him so he stays in tip top snogging conditions I am going to have to put my foot down with a firm hand. I am not that sort of girl.

Anyway, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Ah yes. Jas said, "No, I was with Tom,"

Was it some sort of get-together? Why wasn't I invited? More importantly, why did he phone me in front of his mate and his mate's girlfriend? That sort of cheapens things.

Then Jas said, looking puzzled and thoughtful, "He was wearing a clown costume,"

What fresh hell??

_**3 minutes later**_

So Dave the Laugh told me he was in love with another, in front of his mate and his mate's girlfriend, dressed up as a clown.

_**1 minute later**_

Has he finally snapped?

_**2 minutes later**_

I shall never, ever understand the mystery that is boydom.

_**Blodge**_

I said to Jas, "Why was Dave the Laugh dressed up as a clown? Is he a bit on the dyslexic side?"

She said, "I think you mean: is he a bit on the demented side, Gee,"

I said, "That's not very nice to call Dave demented,"

Hilarious!

But Jas didn't think so. She went all huffy and started She said, "Shut up, Gee. I am trying to listen about Osmosis,"

I said, "Os-what?"

But she ignorez-voused me.

_**1 minute later**_

Jas is actually interested in all this. And that is the sadnosity of her so-called life.

_**2 minutes later**_

Or am I being a bit harsh? No, I am being factual.

_**Lunch**_

I still don't know what to do about this Robbie-type fandango.

_**2 minutes later**_

I told him last time that I didn't want to go out with him. And a tear slipped out of his eye. It was so sad. Does he want me to make him cry again? When I tell him Masimo is my one and only? Is he a Maschotist type person?

_**1 minute later**_

Why can't boys just be simple pimple and not come crawling back to us once they have dumped us? Why?

_**2 minutes later**_

It must have been far, far easier when they had arranged marriages. Like in ye olde days. When the Big Red Bottom hadn't been invented yet. And they used goats' blood for lipgloss.

_**30 seconds later**_

I get the drift they were a bit on the vampiric side in those days.

_**7 minutes later**_

Rosie said, "I am having a Viking Pyjama Party on Friday,"

I said, "I didn't know the Viking's wore pyjamas? Didn't they sleep in their rudey-nudeys?"

She said, "Don't be a fule, Gee. I mean I am having a sleep over party on Friday and you must bring the horns,"

"Oh no!"

"Oh yes," Rosie said, nodding like a loon, "And I am inviting the boys too. I can't keep Sven away from me,"

I said, "Oo-er,"

Then Rosie said, "Gee! You are so rudey dudey! I meant for larfs and such the like. This is a very respectable party. I am not tolerating any funny business. Viking Parties are serious stuff. I am going to have furry decorations,"

Good Grief.

Mabs said, "Furry decorations?"

Rosie said, "Well I was going to hire a long boat but I couldn't contact the appropriate party. I couldn't find any Viking Boatmen in the Yellow Pages,"

_**1 minute later**_

Maybe someone should tell her that Vikings are long dead. Even if it will break her furry heart.

Sometimes the truth hurts.

_**English**_

Miss Wilson was getting us to read through scripts today. Rom and Jule rehearsals begin tomorrow!! And what is more, the Foxwood Lads will be back!

Let the PANTS fest begin!!

If Dave the Laugh is, you know, not obsessing over his Luuurve Goddess. Hmp.

_**PE**_

Hitting a hockey ball around a field in a Artic Conditions is very soothing on a troubled heart. I scored some excellent goals. I bet Miss Stamp regrets allowing Hawkeye to relieve me of my Hockey Captain Duties. I am so obviously a star in PE Skirt.

**Changing Rooms**

I have just got the scare of my life from Rosie. I may be traumatised and need counselling in some place with padded walls.

Not that I look at my girl-type mates when we are changing (Because I am not a lesbian like Miss Stamp) but there are some times when you cannot help it. Like when Rosie said, "Oy, Gee! Look at me!!"

She was wearing a furry bra and knickers. Sometimes I think she is bonkers. But it is times like this when I KNOW she is bonkers.

She said, "Sven has some too!"

I said, "Are you saying Sven has a furry bra? Which he wears?"

Rosie said, "Yes! Isn't it fabby?"

Fabby is one way of saying it…

_**2 minutes later**_

Raving mad is the other.

_**Hometime**_

Lad Alert!! Lad Alert!

We were just walking home when the boys entered stage right. I thought Dave the Laugh was going to walk off AGAIN and ignorez vous me but he shouted "Tally ho, gents!" and Tom, Declan, Edward and Rollo ran over to us. Then Tom and Jas, Ellen and Declan and Rollo and Jools started snogging like loons (they have no pridnosity) while Mabs and Edward held hands and sort of walked snuggled into each other, all shy and stuff.

Dave the Laugh ambled over to me and I thought 'Oh, no, here goes. He is going to start talking about this Jaden'.

But he said, "I challenge you, Sex Kitty," and sort of gestured with his head downwards. He had stuffed a pencil case down his shirt. To look like Nunga Nungas.

I laughed like a proverbial loon on loon tablets.

_**1 minute later**_

I sort of walked ahead with Dave the Laugh while the Loved-Up Ones dawdled behind. I was a bit worried he would want to tell me about Jaden so I told him about Elvis being delusional and painting a red cross on his door. Dave thought it was vair, vair funny indeedio and asked, "Shall we helicopter him to a secure unit? I am very health conscious and don't want the plague to spread,"

I said, "Health conscious?"

He said, "Yes,"

_**2 minutes later**_

Jas didn't turn off at her house but carried on walking with us. I asked her why and she said she was going over to Tom's. Are they a two headed monster?

_**3 minute later**_

I need not have worried about Dave the Laugh swooning over Jaden. I think he is a little embarrassed about what he said on the phone, as it happens.

He said that he had lunch-time detention today and he will have it for the rest of the week.

I said, "Why? Have you set your hand on fire again? You are quite naughty,"

He said, "No, I am actually not to blame for this one,"

I raised my eyebrows.

Dave pretended to look offended. He said, "I was wrongly accused of an act of vandalism. On Monday we had an assembly about Banking and there was an advert which said: Discover another World of Banking. But unfortunately, some anonymous genius replaced the 'a' in banking with an 'o',"

"So it said…"

"Discover a World of Bonking,"

I nearly wet myself I was laughing so much. It was marvy talking properly with Dave the Laugh again. I really laugh when I am with him.

When I calmed down he said, chuckling a bit himself, "Yes, that was my reaction and that was what got me the blame,"

But I bet he did it really. And he is only trying to make me feel sorry for him.

_**1 minute later**_

I wanted to ask him about dressing up as a clown but I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. Because then we might start talking about the Phone Call and everything might go _Krappe_ as our lederhosen type chums will say.

_**2 minutes later**_

We were walking along and when we got to where Tom turns off Dave said, "S'laters," I asked him why he was saying S'laters because he normally walks a bit longer with me and he said that he was going to Tom's and he gave me a hug (in a matey-type way of course) and went off with Jas and Tom.

_**1 minute later**_

With Jas and Tom. I.e. Jas was there. What is he doing hanging around with Jas? I never thought they particularly liked each other. How weird is that?

_**4 minutes later**_

Maybe they are all besties or something. And are hanging out together.

It is a bit rude not to invite me. I am sure Dave would not have fun goose gogging while Jas and Tom snog. If I was there he wouldn't have to goosegog.

_**2 minutes later**_

I don't mean that I will snog him or anything, you Red Bottomed Minxes of the World.

_**5 minutes later**_

Still, it is all for the best. Because Robbie might be there and things could turn out a bit poo and PANTS because of the Marsupial Man missing me.

I have not said anything to the Ace Gang. Even Jas. But she might find out through Tom.

I sort of realised how nippy noodles it was when Dave went.

_**1 minute later**_

I was too busy thinking about Robbie and Dave the Laugh to notice the sound of a Scooter vrooming behind me until I heard, "_Ciao, cara_,"

It was the Luuurve God.

Oh Bugggggggggeration! I am not wearing any make up or anything!! Why didn't I notice that when I was with Dave the Laugh? I am supposed to get self-conscious warnings around boys! What is the use of Dave being a boy if I don't realise I am not wearing make up when I am around him? He might as well be a girl mate not a boy mate. Although if he was a girl mate I would be a worried if he fancied Jaden. Seeing as she is a girl and it would make him a lesbian.

Ho hum pigs bum. Masimo called me beautiful when I was not wearing make up and had a big swollen nose.

Maybe he likes the distressed damsel look in a girl?

He said, "It is the most _bellisimo_ Miss Georgia!! Are you doing anything, _stanotte_?"

I said, "Um, no,"

He said, "Bella, Would you like to go to the cinema with me?"

Yes! Yes! And three times YESSSS!! I do! I do!

I said, with an air of sophisicosity, "Sí,"

He said, "Bueno! I will pick you up at sette. Ciao," and he blew me a kiss and sped off.

God, he is so gorgey! And he is all miney!!

_**Home**_

I must prepare myself for my trip to the Luuurve-Theatre (cinema). Will I have time for a face pack??

_**5 minutes later**_

The face pack is on.

_**3 minutes later**_

Libby came in with Josh the dolly boy. He still has a blue mark on his head from the indelible ink. But it looks like it says BURN rather than BUM now. Like he is devil boy.

And Libby is devil girl.

Quite literally, actually. She is wearing a pair of devil horns and keeps prodding Josh up the bum oley with a pitch fork.

Heavens knows why his Mutti let him over again. Maybe she is criminally insane.

_**6 minutes later**_

I know why. She and my Mutti were sitting downstairs in the kitchen draining a bottle of Vinto Tinto and chatting about vair, vair naff things. Like pink lycra.

I said, "You do realise that Libby is prodding Josh with a pitch fork, don't you?"

Josh's Mutti looked a bit worried but my Mutti said, "Oh, kids, eh? So lovely how they play so nicely. A pitch fork? Are they playing farm-yards, GEORGIA?"

She said 'Georgia' in a really meaningful way.

I said, "No. They are playing torture chambers, I think. Or hell, seeing as Libby is wearing her devil horns,"

_**4 minutes later**_

By the time they got up there, poor Joshy Boy had a pair of tights tied around his mouth and Libby was whacking him with a Teddy (headless teddy that is). Laughing like a loon. A loon in devil horns. Good Grief.

I don't think the devil horns were the tip-toppiest idea of Libby's. Or the fact the statue of Our Lord Sandra was watching like an overseer in drag. Turns out Josh's Mutti is vair, vair religious and she grabbed Josh and ran out the house screaming, 'You're all a bunch of heathens!!"

Which I don't think is very polite, especially since I am actually quite religious. I am still planning to go to church next Sunday to thank God for sending me an Italian Stallion.

Mutti was a bit in a huff when Josh's Mum screeched off in her loon mobile. She said, "Thanks a bunch, Georgia. I was trying to show Josh's Mum that we don't need her to call social services and Libby is capable of normal play,"

I said, "By getting her drunk?" I pointed at the bottle of Vinto Tinto on the side, which, it has to be said, was not very full.

Mutti looked cross for a bit but then looked worried and then said, "Do you think she should be driving?"

Probably not.

_**3 minutes later**_

Poor little Joshy Boy is probably going to end up in casualty because his mum is drink-driving.

Still, it is better than the Libby torture. He could end up psychologically damaged playing with Libby. Libby is a bit miz about losing her 'fwend' and had to compromise by dragging Cross-eyed Gordy into her room. Angus just looked at him. It was a look that said, "Rather you than me, son"

Which I don't think is very nice.

But that is what the world is like.

_**6.30pm**_

Only half an hour to get ready for the Italian Stallion!!

How did the time go past so quickly?? I blame Libby entirely. If she hadn't been dangling Gordy out of the window I may have got ready much more quickly. But instead I got cat fur stuck to my facial mask. Typico.

_**6.55pm**_

I look fabby and also fabulouso. I am wearing a gorgey off-the-shoulder top and a dark red skirt. And a glittery pink eye shadow and pink lipgloss. I like to think that I look like a Sex Kitty.

That is what I like to think.

Should I wait on the wall? Or does that look too keen?

_**Sitting on the Wall**_

_**3 minutes later**_

I wonder what Dave the Laugh is doing now? Whether he is still at Tom's? With his new best girl mate?

_**4 minutes later**_

Masimo showed up. He was a little bit late but I wasn't cross. Because he was looking absolutely bloody gorgey porgey in a bluey-black shirt which was slightly open at the top so I could see some of his chest hair. Phoar…

He said, waving to me, "Ah! Miss Georgia. You look, how you say, gorgey!"

I smiled (nose sucked in, hint of Eastern Promise) but I didn't know what to say. I wish he hadn't had said 'gorgey'. That he said 'gorgeous' instead. Because 'gorgey' makes him sound a bit like a Homosexualist. Dave the Laugh would have had a field day on that one. But then, Dave the Laugh did say that Jaden was really gorgey on the phone.

Shut up thinking about Dave the Laugh.

_**11.00pm**_

Cor! What a night!!

I am just going to have to retire to my parlour of love (bedroom)

_**5 minutes later**_

No such luck. Libby was snoozing on my bed with her menagerie of vegetable friends. And the usual addition of Our Lord Sandra, Scuba diving Barbie and Cross-eyed Gordy jammed under her armpit.

Hmp.

Right. Two can play at that game!!

_**1 minute later**_

I am lying in Libby's bed. There is something at the bottom which feels disgusting. I don't want to know what it is. I may die.

_**5 minutes later**_

ERLACK A PONGOES!!

I took the bullet by the horns and had a look under Libby's quilt. She has cramped loads of pooey knick knacks and mouldy vegetables down there!! Erlack!

I had to disinfect my feet.

_**Midnight**_

I had to curl into a little ball to fit in my bed. I am not risking going in Libby's bed.

_**3 minutes later**_

So, a recount of my evening of luuurve.

Me and Masimo sat at the back. In the Snogger's seats. But I don't think Masimo realised that. Or maybe he did? Who knows??

We were watching some random comedy but I don't think Masimo quite understood the jokes. So to put him out of his misery, I bore my watsits and plucked up all my couragiosity and SNOGGED him!! I snogged the Luuurve God! Not him snogging me!! I snogged him! How fabby and ace is that? Vair, vair fabby and ace.

We snogged for ages. Through the entire film. And beyond. When we stopped it was all dark and everyone had left. He looked just about as shocked as I did.

_**5 minutes later**_

I was really jelloid and everything. It was fantastic. I can't believe I ever doubted his snogging skills. He deffo is better than Robbie.

Who I am going to ignorez vous until he leaves me aloney.

_**3 minutes later**_

Because he loved and lost. Just because he is a Sex God he shouldn't be any different to the rest of us. There is no exception to the rule in the game of Luuurve.

_**2 minutes later**_

I still don't know what to do about the Dave the Laugh and Jaden-type fandango. If truth should be told, I feel a bit funny about him fancying someone else.

_**4 minutes later**_

Who ever Jaden is I HATE her!!

_**1 minute later**_

For Emma's sake as well as mine. He dumped her like a callous vixen. It was not very nice. They were vair, vair loved up and everything.

But I felt a bit funny about that as well.

_**2 minutes later**_

But I think I would rather him be with Emma than Jaden. Because now he is in Luuurve. But he wasn't with Emma. I don't think. Because he used to snog me behind her back.

_**4 minutes later**_

I didn't know Dave the Laugh was one to be enticed by Cheerleading Pom Pom antics. I thought he was a bit less superficial than that. In fact, he always struck me as quite a deep person. But really he is quite shallow.

_**3 minutes later**_

She probably just said 'Y'all' at him and flicked her blonde hair and he was entranced. Like the Dame is with me. Or I am with Masimo and Robbie. Although I am putting my foot down with a firm hand on the Robbie fiasco. I am not letting my red bottom rule the roost again. I am not a slavey girl to the cosmic horn.

_**4 minutes later **_

Oh my Giddy God's Pyjamas. I really hope that Jaden doesn't make him go jelloid or anything. That is not right. He is the Laugh and he has to stay coolio. He cannot go jelloid for anybody. If she makes him go jelloid, I will shoot her. And I mean that most sincerely.

_**1 minute later**_

The fact that I don't own a gun doesn't change that. She will get shot, mark my words.

* * *

**So sorry about uploads taking so long. It takes me about four days to write a chapter (and there being three- Sky, then Red: Dave and Georgia's povs) and some days I just have too much on or I'm too tired. Really sorry. Sky isn't finished yet, there are another two chapters to go, btw. **


	11. Dave: Triangular Popcorn

**remember to read Georgia's side first. :)**

_**Dave**_

**Triangular Pop Corn**

_**Tuesday 20**__**th**__** September**_

_**7.20am**_

Woke up in one of those really good bouncy moods when you can spring out of bed straight away and not walk around like a dozy zombie. Yessssss.

_**6 minutes later**_

I am in quite a dancy mood so when I was getting dressed I turned my music on. Loud. The Residential Loons started yelling for me to turn it off because they were hung over (serves them right).

So I put it on full volume.

_**4 minutes later**_

It is a skill getting dressed whilst mad dancing. One that I don't have. I somehow managed to put all my shirt buttons in the wrong button holes and I looked like a wally. A wally that had got dressed in a dark cupboard.

Which is not a good look.

_**8.15am**_

Uh-Oh. Midget Alert. The two Titches were skulking around outside my house. Oh Pants.

I was going to make a sneaky get away but they noticed me before I reached the bushes. Dratty drat drat.

They were all bumbly and blushy and said, "Hi Dave!"

I said, "Um, hi, girls,"

Wait a cotton picking second! How in the name of pantyhose do they know where I live??

I said, "How come you know where I live?"

They went redder (if that is possible) and said, "We, err, sort of kind of, you know, like followed you home…the once,"

Oh superb! I have two pint-sized stalkers.

_**3 minutes later**_

I cannot get the Titches to leave me alone. They keep hopping after me like two little fleas asking me what my favourite band is and what animal I like best. Then, when I tell them they go 'Ooooh, that's my fave too!" and "Snap!!"

At least they are not asking me to autograph their maths books again.

_**4 minutes later**_

I think they have a crush on me.

Which is understandable, seeing as I am a biscuit.

_**2 minutes later**_

But it still won't do; them having a crush on me. They are practically half my age. It is not right.

I am just going to have to say, "Look Girls, I'm flattered that you fancy me and all but I'm like, 4 years older than you. I don't date midgets. It'll be cradle snatching and that, my friends, is frowned on in modern day society," but before I could say it they leapt up (because of height difference) and gave me a kiss on the cheek, thrust a heart shaped box of chocolates (!) at me and ran off. Whilst shouting 'We love you Dave!!"

Good Grief.

_**3 minutes later**_

They love me do they? Oh dear. This is not good.

I have a menagerie of dwarf-like admirers. Without the bushy beards. Or mining-fetish.

_**1 minute later**_

I also have a heart shaped box of chocolates.

_**2 minutes later**_

Yum, yum.

_**5 minutes later**_

Dec and Rollo were waiting for me on top of the bus shelter and tried to rugby tackle me whilst leaping off the roof. But my athletic responses are not one to be questioned and I dodged them and they fell face first into the concrete path. Like pancake-chummies.

Oh, how I laughed.

_**3 minutes later**_

Rollo said, when he'd un-pancaked himself, "Why have you got a heart shaped box of chocolates?"

Dec said, "Did you buy them for yourself because that is sad, maaan,"

The Cheek!

I said, "No, I didn't actually. I was given them, believe it or not,"

Rollo and Dec started nudging each other and said, "Ooooh, who by then?"

I said, "I will give you a clue; they are ginger, about three inches tall and simply terrifying,"

Dec said, "Ah, the Titches. Are they still following you?"

I nodded soulfully and scoffed another chockie (soulfully scoffed it, that is)

Rollo said, "Aaaaw, they love you! You are the light of their girlhood, the song in their hearts, the flames of their loi-"

I said, "Rollo, please shut up. I am practically old enough to be their granddad,"

Dec said, all wide-eyed, "Are you? You don't look grey and wrinkly to me,"

This is the sort of lunacy which I have to put up with.

Rollo said, "Don't be dense, Dec; he means that they are two young for him. He is just trying to make light of a dismal situation. Just be glad he hasn't said 'pants' yet, because that is getting old,"

Is it? It still makes me laugh.

I said, "Wrong, Rollo. The word 'pants' is one that never loses its hilariousity,"

Rollo said, "_Hilariousity_?"

PANTS.

_**5 minutes later**_

We walking down the street and Rollo suddenly shouted, 'Yoink!!' and stole my chocolates off me and ran off. OY!!

And then he came back and said, "Dave! You Pig! How in name of arse did you manage to scoff the whole box in a matter of minutes??"

I said, "Correction, Rollo. I did not scoff the whole box, only the chocolate. I don't like the taste of card,"

Rollo gave me a stroppy look for a bit and then said, "Ah, well. Better you ate them than me; the Titches have probably spiked them with luuurve potion,"

What?!

_**2 minutes later**_

I sincerely hope they haven't.

_**1 minute later**_

I do feel rather sick now. I hope it is just one of those watsits. Paranoia-things,

Or the fact that I just scoffed two dozen chocolates on the trot.

_**School**_

Going in was the usual vengeance of the Merry Men and Disciples. Nip was brushing up on his boy-loathing skills. I bet he was never a boy himself once. I think he just came into being in a test tube. In a mad scientists lab. A mad scientist with a huge forehead.

He said as we walked through the gates of hell, "David, do you call those trainers school uniform?"

Oh No! Not this rigmarole again!

I said, "Yes I do, actually,"

He said, "Take a bad conduct mark for cheek," Damn. I was doing rather well as well, reprimand-wise.

Then he said as we were walking off, "Where were you in detention?"

Oh crap. I said, "Uh, erm, well- I must dash I have an early morning clarinet lesson to dash to,"

And I ran off. I must say Nip looked rather shocked.

_**2 minutes later**_

I think I know why he looked so shocked. It was because a) There aren't any early morning clarinet lessons and b) Even if there is, why would I be there?

Still, it's the thought that counts.

_**1 minute later**_

Tom was busy showing Ed his newest addition to his worm farm (Walter the Wormy) so he ignorez-voused me, Dec and Rollo. Typico, we are less important than his slimy chums. He had enough friendly-luuurve for me to remind me that I am going around his to meet Jaden, and she's arriving at five and then carried on poking his wormies.

Rollo said to me, "So, have you started up the Red Herring business or are you too Christian to do it?"

I said that I'd phoned Gee and told her that I 'luuurve' another.

Then Dec said, "This Jaden is American isn't she? I thought you said foreigners were irritating because you couldn't understand them,"

I said, "Yes, I know I said that, but I was talking more about a certain Italian Homosexualist and the fact he talks utter gibberish. Anyway, the Hamburger-a-go-go-nese are just our cousins over the seas. They speak Billy Shakespearean so it's not like I will need a translator at my beck and call,"

Rollo said, "Actually, that's where you are wrong. They don't talk English; they talk American-English,"

Dec nodded wisely (freaky bananas), "Yes, for example they don't say 'bin' they say 'trash can'. So instead of being binned, you'll be trash-canned,"

Oh. That reminds me. I still haven't binned Phil the Nerd for his insult vis-à-vis Jack the Biscuit. It must be done. I barked so now I must bite.

Rollo said, "So you'll have to teach her ye olde English customs,"

I said, "Oo-er,"

Rollo said, "I didn't mean like that!!"

_**5 minutes later**_

We are geniuses in trousers. To celebrate our allegiance with Merrie England we are pretending to be Posh English Ladeeez. We are walking on our tip toes like we are wearing high heels and have tied our blazers around our waists like apron-watsits. And we've got our stranglers- I mean ties- and put them on like chiffo-watsit scarves and keep flicking them. And we walk around with our hands flipped over in that camp way beloved to Homosexualists, flicky flick flicking our scarves saying, "Truly Spiffing, Ol' Chap" and "Shall we, darling?" in posh accents.

Hilarious.

_**3 minutes later**_

Rollo has suggested wisely that we put our pencil cases down our tops to look like nunga nungas. It was a flash of the watsit, but it was only like one big shelf, as I am not sad enough to have two separate pencil cases; one for pens and one for pencils.

We were admiring our chests and Rollo said, "I bet that is a dream come true for you, Dave,"

I said, "Are you suggesting that I am a Transexualist in training, Rollo?"

Rollo said, "Yes,"

I was about to attack him with my single nunga when Dec said, "Brrrr, it's a bit nip noodles isn't it?"

He had shoved a couple of pencils down his top.

Oh how we laughed.

Edward and Tom say we are being immature. But I think they are just jealous of our creative flair.

_**3 minutes later**_

We walked past a load of first formers who were sumo wrestling each other.

I said, "Kids today! Common Rag-a-Muffins, aren't they dears?"

And we put our noses in the air, stuck out our chests and flipped our ties and trotted off.

The First formers just stared at us. I like to think they respect us as examples of older students. That is what I like to think.

_**Assembly**_

We have carried on our Posh Lady act into assembly (although we took out the nungas, as none of us want detention) Every time Tuck says something we shout, "Ooooh, Jolly Good, Jolly Good," and "Tally Ho!!" It was excellent until Nip frog marched us out of assembly.

He was ranting at us for the usual WUBBISH; i.e. distrusting assembly and we will be hung, etc.

So I said, curtsying, "Terribly Sorry, ol' chap, truly dreadful, are we not?"

I think he was going to leave it there and let us off, but Dec chipped in, "I know I am a respectable lady and all, but do you fancy a quickie round the back, ol' chap?"

Me and Rollo just managed to stop ourselves laughing. We had to put a mental gag on ourselves and had to stand still like deaf soldiers.

Nip said, "I am not accepting this type of attitude,"

So Dec said, flicking his tie, "Sir, I am only offering once, I do have my dignity,"

The mental gag fell off and me and Rollo collapsed into hysterics. We had to hold onto each other's shoulders to stay upright

I really, really question Dec's mentality.

_**2 minutes later**_

No I don't. Because I know he is clinically insane already. And that is a fact.

_**1 minute later**_

Joy Unbounded!! Dec has got detention for hitting on a teacher and he will be doing it (oo-er) in his lunch hour with me! Brilliant!!

_**5 minutes later**_

Tom isn't too impressed with us though. He says it is stupid. Although he is the one who named his worms Walter, William, Wilfred, Webster and Wallace the Wormies.

_**1 minute later**_

Oh I mustn't forget Wilma the Wormette.

_**30 seconds later**_

Please don't ask why I have memorised all his worms' names.

_**German**_

I am sat next to his Respectable Ladeeeness, Dec, in German. I think he is enjoying this lady-business a tad too much. He is painting his nails with a pink highlighter. I think he has the touch of the transexualist about him.

I asked him that. I said, "Declanna? Are you thinking about having the Sex Op in later life?"

Dec said, "Oh of course, Davabella, cupcake! If I got pregnant like this, think where the darling child would have to make its exit!"

Huh?

_**1 minute later**_

Oh my God. He can't mean…

_**2 minutes later**_

Erlack! Erlack! He is sooo disgusting. And now I've got the mega cringe.

_**5 minutes later**_

I think he has missed the very important point of life that clearly states guys do not get pregnant. I think he genuinely believes he will one day give birth.

To a flower, probably.

_**6 minutes later**_

He is now doing his eyelids in blue highlighter. He is bonkers.

_**1 minute later**_

I have done my eye lids in neon green. We keep going up to the front to have our work done for us by Herr Winkel (honestly, that is he name, I am not kidding, I am being deadly serious). As we are waiting we just hang over his shoulder, flicky flick flicking our ties and batting our high lighted eyelids. The class can't look at us. They are pretending to be very interested in German Verbs. But I can see them all snorting like laughing loons. Which they are.

_**2 minutes later**_

It's incredibly hard to keep a straight face. The trauma I put myself under for comedy value.

_**Break**_

I got Phil the Nerd at break and we binned him in the bins outside the kitchens. They are the best for a thorough binning. Full of mouldy vegetables and stuff.

Me and Rollo grabbed his arms and Dec and Ed grabbed his legs while Tom prepared the bin and we dumped him in. His dorky mates were laughing their socks off. I think we went too far though because he soon became just two hands and two feet waving out the bin.

Ah well. Accidents happen.

_**2 minutes later**_

Serves him right for blaspheming in the name of Jack the Biscuit.

_**1 minute later**_

If I have enough time, I will start a cult based around Jack the Biscuit. And you are only allowed to become a member if you are indeed a biscuit-type person.

_**2 minutes later**_

But then I'll be the only member and that could get rather dull.

_**Geoggers**_

Sitting next to Ed. I should technically sit next to his Unholy Nerdiosity according to the form of torture the sadists call a Seating Plan but he is still stuck in the bin. Hahaha.

_**2 minutes later**_

But anyway, my nub was that Ed has moved next to me. So I can while away the dull hour much more amusingly.

I haven't laughed in Geoggers since…since we popped the inflatable globe with a pin.

_**Maths**_

Phil the Nerd rolled in covered in vegetable peel and stuff. He looked like a tramp. Who slept in skips. I started thinking it was a bit meanio of us to do that but then I remembered how he'd insulted me with his claims to be Jack the Biscuit.

As he walked in he was making 'I'm going to get you' signs at me. Is he going to hit me with his calculator? Oh I am sooo scared. (For the information of the vair dim, I was being sarcastic).

_**1 minute later**_

Mr. Edwin told him to go home and wash. We were all sniggering like loons.

Until he threatened us with more Pytha-watsit and we shut up.

_**2 minutes later**_

It bam-boozles me on how these old math-type nerds figure these things out. Do they sit at home thinking 'Today I'm going to think about the sides of a triangle. And not only a triangle, but a right angled triangle! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! How exciting! I can hardly contain myself! I may get out pop corn! TRIANGULAR POP CORN!! And I can measure all the angles!! It is sooo thrilling!'

I don't think they have what is commonly known as: A Life.

_**Lunchtime detention**_

Yes! Yes! And three times yes! Or should I say _Ja! Ja! Und dreimal Ja! _The Overlord in Lederhosen is on detention duty! This shall be larks akimbo!

I said to Dec as we were waiting outside as he 'prepared' (checked the Silent Alert button was working), "Oh, _ja_, we have Herr Winkel twice in one day!"

Herr Winkel looked at us like he was thinking, "Oh, _nein_! I have those two twice in one day!"

Still, you can't please everyone.

_**2 minutes later**_

Declan suggested we bring back the Posh-Ladeeez stuff since we have sort of forgotten it since German. We did not have to do much; only shove the pencil cases back up our tops since we were still covered in high lighter (I really, really hope it comes off).

_**10 minutes later**_

Me and Dec have to do lines. Mine are 'I will not deface the property of a guest speaker with obscenities'. Dec's are 'I will not make stupid japes (!)'. It isn't really fair, as mine are longer than his. But that is how selfish life can be.

Anyway, we are still in our Ladeeez gear and we have figured out this routine. We write a line then flick our ties in unison; write a line then batter our eye lids and then write a line and cough in a ladeee like manner. It is hilarious as we are the other sides of the room. Herr Winkel can't figure out how we are doing everything in synch. I think he thinks we have the Mystic Megs about us.

In the end he got so freaked he left the room. I said, "Ach, _Ich danke_ zat Herr Winkel vanted a Tinkle!!"

Dec saluted me.

_**Lunch-Hall**_

I'm free!! Me and Dec did comical slow-motion running down the corridor until Scotty the Botty-Licker and he team of snobs started threatening us with bad conduct marks. I would duff them up but they are prefects and it is death sentence to touch them. Typico.

_**3 minutes later**_

Tom, Ed and Rollo were lurking in the usual hideout behind the science block. I don't blame them for not playing football. It gets too violent this time of year, with all the first formers that are not used to the famous proverb; 'the Biggeth thou are, the moreth space-us you needeth, so getteth your midgetus botty-usses off our playground-us,"

Tom said, "We have that new teacher next,"

Oh, excellent! The one from the Academy-of-Boy-Beating. I must get the bets placed on how long he is reckoned to last. Last time I made a fortune as a bookie.

Rollo said, "Dave, you are sporting a particularly evil look- what are you thinking?"

I said, "I think we should give him a welcome Foxwood-style,"

Dec said, "I am not making a banner; with all this tranny-stuff we've been doing, my creative drawers are empty,"

"Dec, you twit, why would I suggest making banners?" I said, "I meant in a more destructive way. But because he has tried so hard by going to extra school to learn how to be a sufficient boy-hater I think we should be a bit soft on him. So I suggest the Electric Pen,"

And we all nodded wisely until Rollo ruined it by saying "What in the name of arse is an electric pen?"

So I got it out (Oo-er!) and gave it to him and allowed him to electrocute himself out of my boundless niciosity.

_**1 minute later**_

Please don't tell me you don't know what an electric pen is. You do know, don't you?

You don't, do you? For the benefit of the vair, vair dim, it is a novelty pen but instead of the inky-writey-type bit popping out when you click the top it sends an electric shock-watsit into you. It is hilarious to give to someone when they say 'Have you got a pen?' and then they nearly poo themselves when they go to use it.

_**English**_

We snuck into the classroom a few minutes earlier than we should have to set up. It was Tom and his organisation-fetish again. We hid all the pens from the teacher's pen pot at the back and put the electric one in and then hurried out. I wonder how we are going to make him need to use the pen??

The plan must be fool-proof. First Impressions count. A LOT.

_**10 minutes later**_

The new teacher, Call-Me-Mr.H came bustling in. The whole class were doing demented-staring but he didn't cower in a corner, which I suppose the point goes to him there. But I can't wait for him to pick up the pen.

Oh the tension! The Tension!

_**30 minutes later**_

When is he going to pick up the pen? The Suspense is killing me. Come on! Hurry your pants!

_**5 minutes later**_

Decky, my dearest chummy came to the rescue. He went up to the front of the class to get his work marked. Pure Genius. I must buy him a Snicker Bar in thanks later.

Call-me-Mr.H was reaching over to the pen…go on…go on…and then ZAP!! Yessssss. He leapt about a mile!! And a half!

He said, "Whose is this?"

Of course the whole class pointed at me. Even the ones that weren't in on it. Typico.

I composed myself and got ready for the fireworks.

_**2 minutes later**_

Un-flipping-believable. I really did expect Call-Me-Mr.H to have a nervy B at the least. After all, I just basically tried to assassinate him; by the way teachers exaggerate things. But do you know what he said??

He said: "Hilarious!! Can I borrow the pen and put it in the staff room?"

I was just utterly gob smacked. That was not what was supposed to happen. He is supposed to go barmy and yell three acres down at me. He is not supposed to think it is funny. He is supposed to get mad. That was the whole point.

I said, in my most cocky, arrogant voice to try and rile him up with 'bad attitude issues' "No,"

He said, "Then I will just have to confiscate it then. I'll give it back next lesson. Genius, pure genius,"

And he sat at his desk with MY pen and kept clicking it and electrocuting himself. Me and the boys just looked at each other.

_**1 minute later**_

I am sure there are laws against stealing pupils' things.

"Thou shalt not stealeth thou pupils' stuffs or thou shalt be hung by ye olde pants until you have a severe-eth wedgie,"

_**5 minutes later**_

I threw a paper airplane at him when he was writing on the board. He admired the folds.

This is war.

_**Physics**_

At least I managed to take my mind off my New Worst Enemy by joining in with shouting rudey-dudey comments at Mrs. Lloyd, the only female teacher in a school of teenage boys. I think she had some terrible mishap with some chemicals in chemistry because her nungas are abnormally large. She is practically bent over double under their weight.

She only needs to say 'Gravitational Pull' and it sets us all off again.

_**Home time**_

Went into the piddly-diddly department to wash the high lighter off in the sink. Because there is no way on God's Green Earth would I risk seeing Georgia in drag queen slap. She might think there is something wrong with me.

_**1 minute later**_

IT WON'T COME OFF!!

_**2 minutes later**_

Hmp. I suppose that will have to do. You can't see it unless I close my eyes for ages. But why would I walk around with my eyes shut? I wouldn't.

Probably.

_**6 minutes later**_

Me, Dec and Rollo did the pencil case watsit _again _(in the name of PANTS, lest it be forgotten) and started talking in Posh English lingo again. When we saw the girls I shouted "Tally ho, gents!" but Declan and Rollo just ran off to snog the living daylights out their girlfriends. Along with Tom and Ed. Traitors.

I was left talking to Georgia (Yesss!) Although, I must say, as it happened I felt a bit awkward after everything I said on the phone last night. So to prevent the conversation from taking that angle I said, "I challenge you, Sex Kitty," and I nodded down to my Pencil Case Nunga. She nearly split her tights laughing. Fab.

_**2 minutes later**_

Kittykat seems happy enough to not talk about the phone conversation, which is good because I would have to draw a blankity-blank on what to say. Seeing as I have never met Jaden yet.

I told her about the bonking fiasco yesterday. I think she quite enjoyed my rendition of the events. She was laughing like a proverbial drain. I really do love making her laugh.

_**5 minutes later**_

Went off Tom's way. It was a shame because I didn't get to walk as much with Gee today and I barely see her anymore. But I suppose it was all for the best. It was hard to think about WUBBISH to keep the conversation going when I so badly wanted to blurt out the Red Herring Fandango. I think I am going mad with anticipation for when all this is over.

_**2 minutes later**_

Me and Georgia will be laughing about all this Red Herring stuff in years to come.

But that will be in quite a few years because Operation: Red Herring II must be kept strictly secret from the girly types. Minus Jas.

_**1 minute later**_

Jas is the only fly in the ointment; she's coming back to Tom's too. So I will be goose-gogging until Jaden arrives. Lovely.

_**Tom's House**_

Robbie was working in the veggie-shop under the House of Jennings when we got in. I chatted with him for a bit to save goose-gogging. I asked him how was Kiwi-a-go-go-land and I really wish I hadn't. He droned on about Geo-watsit energy and marsupials for the next billion years. And…err…I may have let Operation: Red Herring II slip.

_**3 minutes later**_

He didn't seem to think it was too wrong or anything. Especially after I said my inspiration was from Georgia.

That's quite ironic actually. When Georgia originally did it, a Jennings was the goal, Georgia was the user and I was the usee. And now Georgia is the goal, I am the user (if it must be put like that) and a Jennings is the usee. If you catch my drift.

Still, it's a bit strange that he is not making a fuss when I have just told him that I am going to use his cousin. Although she did say she would do it. So I am not in the wrong.

I will tell you what else is strange. He asked me if Georgia had said anything about him. Why? He is old news to her. And hopefully soon Masimo will be too.

_**5 minutes later**_

Tom's Mum came in whilst I was distracting Robbie from his customers and Tom was showing Jas a new apple species they have or something. Do they really have nothing better to do? Seemingly not. And that is the sadnosity of their lives – oh, shut up.

Anyway, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Ah yes. Tom's Mum said, "Jaden's flight was delayed. She's landing about six so she'll be back about…seven-ish?"

Oh, fab. Not. I'm going to have to goosegog for another three hours now…

Then she said to me, "Are you waiting for her?"

Oh PANTS! Does she know about the red herring situation-type fiasco? Why in the name of buggeration did Tom tell her? Doesn't he have the sense to lie?

I said, "Err, yes,"

Oh, here goes; 'What a horrible plan you've concocted up…Blablabla,' but she said, "Oh, that's alright. Would you like to stay for dinner?"

Dinner? What is that unfamiliar word?

_**½ hour later**_

Oh My God. They actually cook food in Tom's house!! And by that I mean proper food, not microwave watsits! Proper Food. And they have a table! Which they all sit around! Amazing!

I can't remember the last time someone cooked a proper meal in my house. Oh wait, I tell a lie. The last time someone cooked, Vati put his elbow on the hob (while it was on) without thinking which set his jumper on fire and he ended up in casualty. You would have thought he'd be quite distraught over burning his arm but he still managed to throw a frying pan at me because I couldn't stop laughing.

_**2 minutes later**_

I feel like Oliver Twist. I may have to leap up and start singing "Food, glorious food". You know, that naff song all the orphans sing at the beginning when they get served their gruel.

But this isn't gruel. It's PROPER food (There's Tom his obsession with things being PROPER).

The only fly in the ointment is that there are lots of vegetables. Literally a mountain.

Erlack a pongoes. I hate vegetables.

_**6.00pm**_

In Tom's Bedroom. Pretending to be very interested in looking out the window while he and Jas snog each other's faces off. It's disgusting. And I feel like a goosegog extraordinaire.

_**6.30pm**_

Still a goosegog.

_**6.45pm**_

Still a goosegog.

I may have to hit Jas and Tom with something soon. Or I will be forced to throw myself out of his bedroom window.

Still, Jaden's arriving in fifteen minutes (!)

_**6.50pm**_

Ten minutes.

_**6.55pm**_

5 minutes.

I really must stop counting the minutes down. I am not a Time Lord.

_**7.00pm**_

She hasn't shown. Hmmm, maybe she's late.

_**2 minutes later**_

I hate waiting.

_**6 minutes later**_

Tom and Jas broke away with the most disgusting squelching sound. They sounded like a couple of toilet plungers. Then Tom said, "Jaden should be here,"

I said, "Actually, she is here. You too badgers were too busy snogging to notice,"

Tom said, "I know she isn't here, Dave. Because I would know if she was,"

I was about to ask him what he meant but Jas suddenly said, "Ooooh, Hunky (!) Have you got a new worm for your Wormery?!" and they started looking in his Worm Torture Centre. Tom was saying 'Oh, yes, there's Walter- oh wait, is that Wilfred? Oh, that's Wilma,"

It is so sad.

_**1 minute later**_

No wonder they nearly broke up last month. Although I am forbidden from mentioning that.

_**3 minutes later**_

Tom said, "Did you bring the list?"

"What list?"

"You know, with the stalking movements and stuff,"

Oh, the PROPER listy. Do I look like the sort of person who would carry it around with me? "No,"

"That's ok," said Jas, "Me and Hunky made copies,"

I take it back about the worms. _This_ is sadder.

_**7.30pm**_

I was busy goosegogging when I heard the door bell ring and I heard Tom's Mutti loon to it. How coolio is that? Very Cool. Door Bell Service!! Brillopads!

Oh bugger. I am starting to talk like one of the Titches. God, save me!

Still, how ace! Parents who can actually be bothered to get up and answer a door! I am always the one who answers the doors at ours. Because no one else can be bothered.

Then again, I wouldn't want my Elderly Loons answering the door to any of my chummies.

Then there was this huge shout of "HOWDY, Y'ALL!!"

Giant Bloomers in Heaven!!

And there was a bit of talking downstairs like "How was your journey? No turbulence? Blablabla," and then we heard her charge up the stairs and the door next to us burst open.

"ROBBIE!!"

"Jaden!" he sounded scared.

"You alrighty?"

"Yes, Jaden and I-"

"Awesome!" and she crashed out and our door flung open.

"TOM! HONEY!!" and gave him a huge hug. She was quite a delicate looking person and he is quite well built but she still managed to lift him off his feet. The Hamburger-a-gogo nese seem very friendly indeedy. How Terrifying!

And then she let him go and then saw me. Uh-Oh.

"Dave, isn't it?"

I said, "Yes, that's me-" and she grabbed me into a neck breaking hug (!). Blimey.

She said, still glomped onto me, "Alrighty?"

I said, the best I could while she was squeezing the air out of me, "Yes, um, I'm alrighty...are you high on sugar?"

She said, "Why honey, that's a mighty cute accent, you've got there,"

Pardon?

I have an accent??

And then Jas was subjected to the strangle hug she rushed off to terrorise someone else.

Tom said, "That's Jaden,"

I just looked at him.

_**1 minute later**_

Could he possibly have chosen someone a little less criminally insane for me?

_**2 minutes later**_

And with a little less luggage? We were made to help her get her bags out the 'trunk' of the 'cab'.

I am sure my arms have stretched from the weight.

_**3 minutes later**_

Jaden came bursting back into Tom's room, nearly knocking Jas out with the door and flung herself into sitting next to us.

She said, "So, y'all, lets get down to business, what's all this red fish thingy about, huh? Who's this Georgia? Are gonna make her jealous? Am I going to pretend to get off you? Will we be kissing, Mr. Cute Accent?"

I just gave her my 'you really scare me' look.

She obviously realised that because she said, "Aaw, don't look so spooked. I am just mega wired on aeroplane cawfee; I'll cool down in a minute,"

Blimey. Someone fetch the tranquilizers. As quick as you like.

_**5 minutes later**_

We went for a wander around the streets. I think the fresh air calmed her down a bit because she started talking like a normal human being. Almost.

I told her about Operation: Red Herring II. I thought Tom and Jas would be waving their PROPER listy in her face but they walked ahead arm in arm, abandoning me to handle the Queen of Madnosity by myself. So, who needs them?

She said she thought the idea was 'neat' and she doesn't seem to care one bit that I will be using her to get another girl. Which surprised me because it is a mean idea and_ I_ certainly minded when it was done across me. But then again, we must remember, she is not exactly normal. In fact, she is edging on certifiably insane.

But she is actually quite nice to talk to. Despite the fact that she originally scared the pants off me, we are getting along quite coolio. She is remarkably over friendly, worse than Rachel, and that is saying something. I wonder if all the Hamburger-a-gogo-nese types are like that? But it's nice, although a bit terrifying. Although I don't understand a word she is saying. It is almost like she speaks a foreign language. Oh, wait. She does. Cor, international conversations are vair tuckering on the brain box.

_**2 minutes later**_

Tom and Jas buggered off somewhere. To snog probably.

And then Jaden said, "So, Jock, Emo, Dork or Prep?"

I said, "Excuse me?"

She said, "Ah, non-conformist then,"

What is she on about? I said, "Erm, what are you on about?"

She said, "Which are you?"

I said, "I'm none of those. I'm Jack the Biscuit,"

She just looked at me and then she said, "Ah, I get it, I think; Biscuit is British for cookie isn't it? So in American you'll be Jack the Cookie,"

Jack the Cookie?? No. That does not work. At all.

Then she said, "Why are you Jack the Coo- I mean, Biscuit when your name isn't Jack? Is it some Englishy thing to change your name?"

I said, "Nah, it's my thing. Just like pants. Or panties as you hamburger-a-gogo nese call them,"

She said, "Pants?"

I said, "Yes, as in 'the hills are alive with the sound of PANTS,"

She gave me a 'You're Barmy' Look. Which I think is a bit hypocritical.

_**1 minute later**_

She said, "Tell me about this Georgia,"

Huh? She actually wants me to talk about Georgia? I am not used to being ask that. Most people tell me to shut up about her.

I told her though. Even the stuff with her originally using me as a Red Herring and also the Italian Homosexualist. And the fact she practically has her own language with her 'vair' and 'osities' and even our accidental snogs. But vaguely though, detail-free of course. When I finished she said, "She sounds real nice. And she's mighty lucky that you like her," I didn't say anything. What do you say to that? I don't know, and that is why I didn't say anything. But luckily I didn't have to because she carried on, "I hope all this Red Fish business works for you; I just love a happy ending,"

So do I, Jaden, so do I.

Then she said, grinning "Especially for someone with such a cute accent as yours,"

Oh God, don't start that again!

_**Home**_

What does Jaden mean I have an accent? I wasn't aware of that. I thought I sounded like everyone else. I feel vair paranoid and self conscious about speaking now.

_**3 minutes later**_

I am talking out loud to myself to figure out if I have an accent. It's really weird listening to your own voice properly.

_**1 minute later**_

I think I sound like everyone else around here. I would carry on but Mutti and Vati are giving me weird looks. I tried to whisper to my self so they couldn't hear, but they just looked at me like I was mentally deranged parsnip.

_**5 minutes later**_

I have gone upstairs to listen to my voice in peace.

_**2 minutes later**_

I am pretty sure I haven't got anything wrong with the way I talk. That is when Vati burst into my room and said, "Dave? Have you...um, are you..."

I said, "Am I Mad? Probably,"

He just looked at me then said, "Have you taken something?"

Unbelievable!!

_**8 minutes later**_

I still don't know whether I have an accent. I do not know why it is bugging me so much, but it is.

Phoned Rollo.

"Yello?"

I said, "Rollo, do I have an accent?"

He said, "You mean when you were being a tranny? To be honest mate, your posh accent is crap,"

I said, "No. I mean normally do I have a weird accent?"

Rollo said, "Say 'accent', again,"

Why? But I said, "Accent,"

Rollo said, "No, because people who have accents sound funny when they say 'accent' and you sound normal,"

What is he on about?

Then he said, "Why are you so bothered?"

I said, "According to Jaden I have a cute accent,"

Rollo said in what he imagined was a wise, knowing way, "Ohhhhhh,"

I said, "What?"

He said, laughing, "You Spoon! Didn't you know that American Girls luuurve British Accents? You probably sound dead sexy to her,"

I said, "Oh, cool,"

And I hung up.

_**2 minutes later**_

Just I was leaving the phone it rang AGAIN. I answered.

I said, "_Bonsoir_, it is he, the Sex Bomb,"

"Dave, can you not say that, that is disturbing,"

It was my 'dearest' sister Jodie.

I said, "Do you want me to pass you onto Mum?"

Jodie said, "Wait, don't you want to know how I am?"

I said, "Not particularly, no,"

She said, "Oh, you are not very nice. But I am too happy to have a go at you. Guess what??"

"What?"

"No, Guess,"

I said, "You are moving to Australia so I don't need to see you again,"

But to my amazement she said, "How did you know?"

"What?"

"I got a six month job placement in Sydney!"

"Really?" Blimey O'Reily, as Georgia would say; I must have the Mystic Meg about me, "Crikey,"

She said, "Isn't it amazing?? I've always wanted to go to Australia!"

I said, "Promise me one thing,"

She said, "Safe flight?"

"_Non_," said I, "Get bitten by a deadly poisonous spider while you are over there,"

She had a nervy B at me, "You are so HORRIBLE. And irritating,"

I said, "Well, you see, that is the duty of the youngest sibling. To irritate the others,"

She said, "I don't know why I bother to talk to you, get mum for me,"

I gave the phone to mum. As I was going up the stairs I could hear her saying, "Yes, yes. I know. I have to put up with his wise cracks all the time. It does my head in,"

Lovely talk, isn't it?

_**10.20pm**_

I can't believe Georgia rates me as a nine!!

_**2 minutes later**_

Hmp. I wonder why I am not a ten?

* * *

**Soooo, what do you think of Jaden? Having never been to America myself (Although that's changing next year, yessss) I don't really know much about what ****people are like so I modeled Jaden on how Gee portrays the Hamburger-a-go-go-nese in 'Then he ate my boy entrancers', although because Jaden's a main character I made her a bit over the top to get a firmer character, lol. Oh yes, any wordies she uses I get off chick flicks and websites etc because I only know the basic ones like 'trash' and 'side walk' and that sort of thing. :)**

**Ps. Winkel IS actually a proper German surname. I do love the Germans. They are fab in the comedy section. X. **


	12. Gee: Eight Miles Too Far

**Sorry this took a so long! I had a bit of a laze after finishing Sky and THEN got distracted with Half Kittykat Half Laugh and THEN I got distracted cos I am working on an animation of the end of LIAMMT/Start of SITNOP with graphics the quality of my drawings on DA- It is taking FOREVER.**

**Anyway, I shall how yow say 'get down to it, duh duh' *starts dancing***

* * *

_**Georgia**_

**Eight Miles too Far.**

_**Wednesday 21**__**st**__** September**_

_**8.00am**_

Woke up with the most horrible cramp because I had to curl up in a ball to fit on my bed. Libby was lying on her back snoring for all Billy Shakespeare-a-go-go land. Gadzooks! How can such a little person make that much noise?

_**1 minute later**_

Every time she breathes out a little snot bubble starts growing out her nose. It is truly, truly disgusting. And a half.

_**3 minutes later**_

Erlack…

_**8.30am**_

Met Jas outside her house. She was sitting on her wall. Like a fringy person. She is so annoying. Why did Dave go around to Tom's with her? Is she his new best girl mate?

I said, "Had a nice time last night with your _new best boy mate_,"

She just looked at me like I was _trés_ immature.

I said, "Why didn't you invite me?"

She looked a bit put on the spot but only in an owly way. She said, "Georgia, I don't have to have you trailing after me like a dog, you know,"

I said, "Jas, are you suggesting that I am a dog?"

_**4 minutes later**_

I am not talking to Jas. She can go and hang out with her new best boy mate.

And teach him about owls.

And if he does get together with Jaden, they can all go on group rambles. Without me.

_**3 minutes later**_

I wouldn't want to go anyway.

_**1 minute later**_

Because I have a gorgey Italian Stallion. Who I love.

_Mais oui. _

_**4 minutes later**_

Dave was just some random laugh who got caught up on my path of life.

_**1 minute later**_

So who cares if he is in luuurve?

_**3 minutes later**_

Not me. Nope. Deffo not. Nuh-uh. Nein.

_**Assembly**_

Slim is rambling on about the usual wubbish.

"Yesterday some graffiti was discovered in the bathroom… defacement of school property…We ask for the culprit to come forward otherwise the consequences will be graver…you will be hung by the ears and burnt…Blablabla,"

_**3 minutes later**_

I wonder what they wrote?

_**Maths**_

Jas keeps trying to talk to me. Which is shocking because she usually is like mouse girl in class (i.e. vair vair quiet). I am ignorez vousing her.

I can't believe that Dave would rather be with her and Tom and not with me. Like she's his new best girl mate. And Jaden is his crush. Not that I was ever that.

But I thought I was his best girl mate.

It is like he is trying to replace me

_**Break **_

I don't know why but I scampered off to the piddly diddly department and had a little cry in the cubicle.

What is wrong with me?

_**2 minutes later**_

Why I am so bothered that Dave luuurves someone else?

And why am I so bothered that Dave would rather hang out with Jas than me?

_**1 minute later**_

I mean, it is a wonder me and Dave are friends at all, after all that red herrings business.

_**5 minutes later**_

There was a knock at the door. Oh fabby! The Hitler Youth want to kick me out into the North Pole (playground as some may call it). Or it may be Lindsay to duff me up over the Robbie fandango.

Oh my giddy god. There is still Robbie. Merde.

Knock, knock, knock.

I put my feet up on the toilet seat so they couldn't see me.

Knock, knock, knock.

I said, "Bugger off and go laminate your bad conduct slips,"

"Oh, you can take a poor conduct mark just for that," and Rosie's head appeared underneath my door, "Can you open the door Gee? It is very undignified for even a Viking to crawl on the floor of the piddly diddly department to get under the cubicle door,"

I let her in. She said, "So, what is the matter with you?"

I shrugged.

She said, "Would you like to cuddle my beard? I've braided it,"

I told her quickly before she could get it out.

_**3 minutes later**_

When I'd finished Rosie said, "Hmmm…this all smells a little fishy, and that is not the sardine curry I had last night. I will have a look into all this for you, pronto,"

I said, "Thanks…but be discrete about it,"

She said, "Am I ever but discrete Gee?"

I just looked at her.

Then we notice someone had scrawled 'HERR KAMYER IS A SEX BOMB IN LEDEN HOSEN!! XXX' on the cubicle door. Even in such pooinosity it still made me larf like billio. In fact we were laughing like loons on loon tablets.

_**1 minute later**_

Hahahahahaha HIC!

_**4 minutes later**_

Oh _Merde_. I have the hiccups. _Trés merde_.

_**4 minutes later**_

I tried telling Rosie. I said, "I have the HIC!"

She said, "You have the what, Georgia?"

I said, "Because we were laughing I HIC,"

_**3 minutes later**_

It was useless. Every time I tried to speak to her I started hiccupping like a hiccupping earwig which made me laugh which made them worse. We were in hysterics. My rib cage hurt so much.

We were collapsed against the sinks when Lindsay and the Hitler Youth came in and ordered me and Rosie out of the tarts wardrobe. Then when we were walking past her she put her hand in front of me to stop me and said, "Georgia Nicolson, keep your huge hooter off Robbie. It is bad enough poor Mas is subjected to you but if you dare go near Robbie then I will make you wish you'd never been born. What I have been causing you recently will seem like fun compared to what I have in store for you, got it?"

Oh I hate her. Why does she have no forehead? Was she in a terrible accident? And why are her legs so spindly? I think she might be anorexic. Shut up, stupid spindly anorexic octopus.

I was going to throw all caution to the wind and tell her as much but I hiccupped straight at her instead. She wasn't quite sure how to take that and I think because of that moment of hesitation that is why she didn't notice Rosie had her bison horns on and was charging, head first, at Lindsay.

_**10 minutes later**_

Rosie's bison horns have been confiscated AGAIN and she has detention and she is not allowed to take part in this evenings rehearsals of Rom and Jule. Not that it really mattered. It is not like she does anything useful. She just steals fake fur for her Viking Wedding in twenty years time.

Lindsay has two horn shaped bruises on her back. Not that I looked but she insisted on showing Slim to show how violent Rosie is. Well, that is what she said but I think really she is trying to tempt Slim into Lesbian Lust.

Good job that Miss. Stamp wasn't there.

_**Physics**_

Herr Kamyer is demonstrating some mad thing to do with a balloon and blowing it up to show the expansion of the universe. It has little white dots painted on it to show stars. I can't look at him after reading what was scribbled on the cubicle door. Well, I couldn't until he blew a little to hard into the balloon and it burst. I had to look then.

I though I would have to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on him, he was twitching so much.

_**14 minutes later**_

Miss Wilson came bumbling in with some papers but she tripped over the science lab skeleton and the papers went absolutely every where. Herr Kamyer rushed to help her pick all her papers up. They grabbed the same paper at the same time and both of them went beetroot. It was hilarious. We all went "Ooooooooooooh," which made them go even more beetroot like red bumbling twits. Such is the sadnosity of their lives.

_**2 minutes later**_

I bet it was Miss Wilson who wrote that on the cubicle door.

_**1 minute later**_

I bet when Hawk eye is off girl hating duties they giggle about crushes and such.

_Sacré bleu_!!

_**English**_

I really cannot stop hiccupping. It was vair vair funny at first but now the novelty has worn off and I feel sick and my lungs really hurt.

I said that to Jas (I am talking to her again because she gave me midget gems in Physics). I said, "I cannot stop HIC hiccupping. My lungs are in aggers,"

She said, "It is not your lungs that hiccup. You hiccup because it is a spasm of the diaphragm,"

Petty, petty.

_**Lunch**_

Titches came bounding up to me, their hair done in naff piggy tails. They are quite alarmingly freckly too. They said, "Hey miss, guess what? We followed Dave the Laugh to school the other day and we gave him some chocolates,"

I said, "It's not valentines yet,"

They said, "We know that Miss, but we still love him. And we told him that,"

I said, "Good grief, what did he say- HIC!"

Ow, my ribs…

Honor said, "Why've you got the hiccups, miss? Did you try and drink milk up your nose?"

I just looked at them like they were mad. Which they are.

"No," I said, "I just had a laughing spaz when I saw that someone had wrote about Herr Kamyer being a sex bomb in leden hosen on the cubicle door,"

They suddenly looked shifty.

I said, "You haven't had anything to do with that, have you girls?"

They said, "Well…"

_**4 minutes later**_

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers! It was the Titches who wrote that!!

They are becoming regular little rebels.

_**1 minute later**_

I said, "Girls, you don't fancy Herr Kamyer too, do you?"

They shuffled some more.

Hells Bells!

_**4 minutes later**_

I bet Dave the Laugh will be very pleased to know he is in the same kettle of fish crush-wise as Herr Kamyer. That will be great for his self esteem.

When he's with Jaden…

Shut up.

_**3 minutes later**_

I said to Rosie, "How could they possibly HIC fancy Herr Kamyer?"

He was walking across the other side of the playground at this time.

She said, "I don't know…those ginger furry legs are starting to look rather appealing recently,"

I just looked at her.

_**6 minutes later**_

Why has everyone gone mad-HIC.

Oh for god's sake…

_**Froggie**_

We are being forced to do some _trés_ stupid listening exam thing. Basically we listen to a vair fuzzy tape of people that sound like they are talking with a mouthful of cotton wool but only half a mile away telling the 'doctor' that their arm has fallen off only to be told to drink plenty of water.

_Qu'est ce que le_ point?

I asked Madam Slack that, I said, "_Qu'est ce que le_ point?"

Well done Georgia! You managed to say something without hiccupping!

Honestly you would have thought I said something really bad the way she went all ratty. She said, "It is preparation for your GCSE exams next May,"

So?

_**2 minutes later**_

I think she has mistaken me for someone who cares.

_**RE**_

We put some lippie and mascara on in preparation for seeing the Foxwood lads. Not that it matters. I have no one to impress.

Least of all Dave the Laugh.

_**3 minutes later**_

Shut up about Dave the Laugh.

_**Last Bell**_

We all gathered in the hall…that is apart from Rosie who was carted off to her detention vis-à-vis the bison horn fiasco. But as I told her as she longingly looked at the prop cupboard, it is her own fault for charging at Lindsay like a loon.

_**2 minutes later**_

Everyone is in a watsit of a tizz because of the Foxwood Lads coming over. I don't care. Sometimes I think that I am the only one with a smidgeon of maturiosity.

_**1 minute later**_

Even if I do have hiccups. STILL.

I feel vair vair sick indeedy…

_**4 minutes later**_

Herr Kamyer is helping out back stage. Miss Wilson said it was because he has some sort of drama qualification (twitching, most probably) but I know it is really because she is hoping for a snog back stage when no one is looking.

I think she has lipstick on.

_**1 minute later**_

Either that or she has just eating a red ice lolly.

_**4 minutes later**_

I still can't believe that the Titches fancy him. It is unbelievable that is why.

I said that to Jools and Mabs, I said, "I cannot believe the Titches fancy Herr Kamyer. That is unbelievable. They are truly truly bonkers. And Miss Wilson fancies him. Why would anyone fancy him? His breath probably smells like Spangleferkel and-"

"BOO!!"

Three guesses.

Dave the Laugh decided it would be acceptable to jump on my back. I nearly died, he startled me that much.

I had to have a go at him. It is terrible work but someone has to do it. I snapped, "You can't do that, Dave. You can't go jumping on people's backs! You could have broken my back. You've given me a heart attack. You could have killed me and-"

Oh my giddy god! He's made my hiccups stop!! YESSSSSS!!

I said, "I officially love you, Dave,"

He looked a bit shocked to say the least so I explained, "I have had hiccups all day long- I thought I was going to be sick because I couldn't stop but you making me jump has made them stop!! Fanks so much!"

He said, "My pleasure Sex Kitty,"

_**3 minutes later**_

He probably only looked so shocked because he thought that I was serious and he only wants Jaden to fancy him.

_**2**__** minutes later**_

Which he is entitled too.

_**3**__** minutes later**_

The rest of the Foxwood lads are hanging out with their girlfriends. They are giving them pieces of paper. I don't know what is on them. I keep trying to look but no one would show me.

_**1 minute later**_

I wonder what is on them?

_**30**__** seconds later**_

I tried pleading with Jas to let me look but with no avail. She has a heart of stone.

_**2 minutes later**_

On my last resort I went up to Dave the Laugh. I mean, he is usually all over me like a rash so surely he must be able to shed some light on the dismal situation.

I said to him, lightly and casually, "Have you got anything for me, Dave?"

He hesitated a little like he was thinking about it but then he said, "No,"

_**3 minutes later**_

He probably is saving whatever it is for Jaden.

_**5 minutes later**_

Oh, what larks! Such a spectacular renewal of the PANTS business. Dave is…well, a laugh. I almost forgot about his new best girl mate and the Jaden-type fiasco.

_**1 minute later**_

Almost.

_**4.00pm**_

I was telling Dave about everyone fancying Herr Kamyer all of a sudden. I said, "It is ridiculous really. His legs are about half a yard deep in fur. The Titches reckon he's a Sex Bomb. I get the drift that they are a little mentally challenged,"

Dave said, "Oh, I don't know. He has been looking rather cool recently. I think I might be on the turn, actually,"

I just looked at him.

Then he said, "Gee, would you, um, come with me on the Jaden-type fiasco tonight,"

What? The CHEEK! How can he ask me like that?

Why doesn't he ask his new bestie girl mate?

I was about to say all this but then I came up with a plan of plans. So I said, ""Oh, yeah, coolio, of course I will Dave!"

_**3 minutes later**_

My plan is such; I will be hanging onto him like a limpet girl all evening. Because it will, to the outside world, make me seem like his girlfriend type fandango (Even though I am not). And Jaden will not go near him then.

I know that sounds a bit meany and such but I am in desperados. Because I am not bothered about him having a girlfriend. I just don't want him to have a girlfriend that he is head over heels in luuurve with.

That isn't that mean is it?

_**2 minutes later**_

I don't know why I am that bothered though.

_**My House**_

_**3 minutes later**_

I left Dave downstairs while I went and got dressed. Hopefully he won't be killed by Libby. Or eaten by Mutti's basoomas.

_**4 minutes later**_

I went for casual (pink hoodie). Great for stalking.

I thought about make up but then decided I will go free and wild. Dave can look at my natural (but ugly) bare face.

What is he worth to me?

_**6 minutes later**_

Came down and Libby was dragging poor Dave around by his wrist. I rescued him before she could attack him with scissors or a bread knife or anything.

He didn't run away screaming in fear when he saw my 'natural' face. In fact he smiled at me.

But, it must be said, I don't think he is all together sane. Especially since he let Libby (A.K.A third member of Dave's fan club) kiss him good bye on the cheek and she was eating porridge at the time. Erlack.

_**2 minutes later**_

Going over to Dave's house so he can get changed and drop his school bag off. I must say I am a little bit excited. I've never been to his house before.

_**1 minute later**_

Apparently he has received a classified tip off that Jaden will be at the park at half five. I asked him who told him but he wouldn't tell me.

_**2**__** minutes later**_

We were about to go into Dave's house and his Mrs. Next Door came out. She looked about a hundred and was wearing fluffy mules. She had the look of the severely deranged.

She looked vair angry and pointing at Dave saying, "I know it's you! I know it's you who's putting stones through my greenhouse! This is the final straw! I will be calling the police next time! Mark my Words!"

He answered, "It isn't me, you mad old bat. There are junior blunder boys around the back, why not ask them?"

She looked like she was going explode then walked off saying, "Kids of today, when I was a girl we would have been caned to death for breathing and Blablabla,"

When she was safely locked up in her house I said, "_Did_ you put the stones through her greenhouse?"

He looked at me incredulously and then said as he opened his front door, "As I said, there are Blunder Boys who live around the back,"

We went inside. His house is quite nice as it happened. He ditched his tie and his school stuff in the living room and he was about to go upstairs when there was a bit of noise from the kitchen. Obviously that wasn't normal, because he said, "Hello? Who's there?"

And then a voice from the kitchen said, "Oh, just me, Mum just asked me to take a look at the washing machine because it's died apparently,"

Dave called back, "Yeah, I know, it's eaten half my socks…do you actually know how to fix a washing machine?"

"No, isn't it fun?"

I said to Dave, "Who's that?"

Dave said, "My brother, Chris. He doesn't live here anymore,"

And Chris came into the living room. Phoar! Sex God the Second!! He had this groovy bananas dark longish hair and was wearing this really sophis shirt but only in a cool way not a stupid-business way. He said, "Oh, and who's this, Dave?"

I said, "Nnugh," oh God, my brain fell out. Dave just looked at me and said, "Georgia," and gave Chris this funny look. I couldn't quite tell what it was supposed to mean but Chris obviously did because he said, "Oh, of course not," and went back into the kitchen.

Dave said, "Make your self at home; I will just be a tick,"

And I sat down on the sofa on top of this huge white cushion. Well, what I thought was a huge white cushion but suddenly went MEOWWWWW. Bloody Hell!

Dave said, "Please don't kill my cat, Georgia,"

The cat looked at me with big blue eyes and then went back to sleep. It was quite literally the fattest cat I have ever seen.

I said, "That cat is GIGANTIBUS!"

Dave said, "I know. Lovely isn't she?"

Good grief.

I sat on the sofa next to the cat and he went upstairs to get dressed.

_**1 minute later**_

The cat has just crawled onto my lap. It weighs a ton. I cannot sift it. It is so fat and lazy. It puts Cat kind to shame. Angus and Cross-eyed Gordy would think it is mad.

_**2 minutes later**_

Chris came in while I had the cat on my lap. I think he was looking for Dave but he was upstairs so he said to me, "Georgia, you don't mind holding a torch for me, do you? I cannot see a thing in that washing machine- not that I know what I am doing anyway,"

I tried to get up but I was pinned down by the cat's enormous stomach. I managed to say, "Cat,"

He said, "Oh, sorry, yeah, huge isn't it?" and he lifted the cat up off my lap.

He said to the cat, "Good Grief, what has Dave been feeding you, Patch?"

Then he said, "Seriously, what _has_ he been feeding her??" and the cat just did the stupid cat tongue thing and went 'mewww'. He shook his Sex Goddy head and put the cat down and it just slumped on the rug and went to sleep. Hells Bells!

_**3 minutes later**_

I held the torch for Chris while he poked and prodded around in the washing machine. Blimey O'Reily's trousers he is so gorgey. If Dave the Laugh was like this when he grew up…

_**1 minute later**_

I don't think Chris knows what he is doing though.

He turned to me and said, "I don't have a clue what I am doing, you know," and put the side of the washing machine back on. He was going, "And I don't know why mum asked me to look at it either. She will have to call a plumber; this is not my forte and- oh, wait, idea,"

And he kicked the side of the washing machine (!)

I mean a proper booting full frontal kick.

Then he pressed the button and it turned on!! Wowzee!

"Why does it never work when I do that?"

Dave the Laugh was at the kitchen door.

Chris said, sticking his tongue out, "Because you are not skilled unlike me," then he said, "God, I am dying for a coffee," and he went rooting through the cupboards. Then he said, "Dave, how come there is absolutely nothing in the cupboards?"

Dave said, "It was only you that bothered doing the shopping,"

Chris looked exasperated- in a gorgey way though, "Dave, I moved out three years ago. What have you been living on since?!"

Dave said, "The finest diet of thin air,"

He should come to my house. Then he could have a mouldy sausage instead.

_**3 minutes later**_

Dave and I were leaving his house when Chris said, "Do you two need a lift anywhere? Not to out of way, though. I have to rush home to scrub myself up because I have a date later,"

Lucky girl.

Dave said we would. I wasn't complaining. I haven't been driven around in a car by a groovy boy since the original Sex God.

_**1 minute later**_

Chris' car is quite cool but a little dangerous. There are no seat belts because he'd took them out for some reason unknown to man kind and forgotten to put them back.

_**2 minutes later**_

And he is a dangerous driver. Me and Dave are being tossed around like two short tossed things on tossed-around tablets every time he goes round a bend. I thought we were going to die.

_**30 seconds later**_

Chris' phone rang while he was driving and he answered it which I think may be illegal. I think he was talking to the girl he had the date with because he was going, "Yeah, babe, uh-huh, hmmm, yeah, I'll phone them and move the booking back, half an hour say? Can you give me the number; wait let me get some paper…"

And he let go of the steering wheel (!) and was rummaging around in the dashboard compartment. The car was going everywhere.

Dave said, "Chris! Get your hands back on the wheel!"

Chris said, "I'm driving with my knees, it's ok, we are not going to crash,"

And at which point we went onto the wrong side of the road. Dave suddenly had to lunge forward and spin the steering wheel. We narrowly missed a lorry. Gadzooks!!

Chris said down the phone, "I'm going to have to call you back," and hung up.

Dave said, "Are you trying to kill us?"

Chris said, "You may value your life, little brother, but I value my date," and he accelerated suddenly so Dave was thrown back into the back seat- straight onto me. He said sorry because I think he thought he'd hurt me but I just started laughing. I think I was a little hysterical. But I really couldn't stop and I set him off. And we were both having laughing spazzes.

Chris looked in his mirror at us and said, "Nutters,"

_**5 minutes later**_

We made it in one piece. Dave pretended to be over the moon and hugged me and said, "We made it, Kittykat! We are alive!"

Which made me laugh. He grabbed my hands and did a little hurray watsit with them and then just let our hands droop down. I thought he was going to snog me, he was really close to my face but then he said, "Chuddie?" and offered me some chewing gum.

_**1 minute later**_

I didn't want to snog him anyway. And he probably didn't want to snog me, seeing as he is in LUUURVE.

We have moved on and left our red bottoms behind us.

_**3 minutes later**_

So why do I feel so annoyed with the Jaden-type fandango?

_**6 minutes later**_

Not that the nitty and gritty matters at the moment. I have my plan to make sure Jaden won't approach Dave to do. We sat on a bench so I deliberately sat really close to him.

But I have to be careful. I don't want to give him the wrong idea and start all our red bottomed antics off again. Or have a German Fight. Because I am the girlfriend of a Luuurve God and I have some pridnosity.

I am toeing a thin line. A vair vair thin line.

_**10 minutes later**_

I feel _trés_ self conscious about chewing my chuddie. I don't want to chew too loud otherwise Dave might think I am rude but I don't want to not chew because he might think I am not enjoying it and- why am I thinking of this??

_**5.30pm**_

A sighting! A sighting! Hark and a-hear, a sighting!

Me and Dave were sitting on the bench still and it was getting quite nippy noodles and I was getting vair fed up indeedy so I said to him, "So, where is she then?"

Dave looked around and then pointed in what he thought (wrongly) was a discrete way and said, "That's her,"

I looked. There was a girl standing by the duck pond (yes, honestly, by the duck pond). She was wearing a white coat and a skirt. She had long blonde hair. And a normal nose. She looked really, really pretty. Much more prettier than me.

I wanted to go up and slap her. I don't know why but I did.

I said to Dave, instead, "She is feeding the ducks,"

He said, "Aww, she is so animal-friendly!!"

I looked at him and then sort of scooted up next to him, quite close. He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. I said, "It's nippy noodles and you are quite warm,"

I wasn't going to tell him that I was trying to make it look to Jaden that we were a couple so she wouldn't come over. Luckily he fell for my ploy and put his arm around me. Ha! He is so naïve, it is unbelievable.

_**2 minutes later**_

It is not hard to see why Dave the Laugh fancies her. She could be a model. I really wish I'd worn make up now…

But I'm not jealous. At all. Nope.

_**4 minutes later**_

Dave said, "She's um, quite-"

I said, "Yeah,"

"Yeah,"

"Yeah,"

And I shut up because it was getting quite awkward and me and Dave never do awkward and I don't want to start.

_**1 minute later**_

"I mean-"

"Yeah,"

"Yeah,"

Pause

"You don't think I'm-?"

"Nope,"

"Nope,"

"Nope,"

GOD! I don't think I can take anymore of this awkwardosity.

Then some blunder boys ogled her and sidled up to her, trying to chat her up. Dave said, "Those blunder boys are talking to her,"

Oh for the sake of Lucifer's cotton pantaloons! Can't he bloody go talk to her??

I said, reasonably, even though I wanted to biff him over the head, "Well why don't you go up and talk to her,"

He shook his head. It was quite weird actually. Like he was shy or something.

Shy? No? Really?

I had to ask though. I said, "Aw, are you shy, Mr. Laugh?"

Dave said "Yes, I am actually, if you don't mind,"

I looked at him. It was so ridiculous, so I pulled the hood of his hoodie over his head. And he pulled mine over my head.

I was feeling a little braver so I put my arms around his neck. So we looked like a couple. Jaden would DEFFO not come over now. I am not mean. I am actually looking out for him. He said Jaden was only over for a bit so I am stopping him having his heart broken.

Because I am such a good mate. Because that is what I am. A matey-type mate.

And I think I may be the bestie girl mate again. Not Jas.

Hmmm, he is vair fickle.

_**2 minutes later**_

I am just glad I have my hood up so no one knows that it is me that has my arms around Dave the Laugh. He isn't saying anything about it, just taking it in his stride.

Maybe he is just so entranced by Jaden and he hasn't noticed?

_**3 minutes later**_

I feel a bit indignant actually. How can not notice me??

_**1 minute later**_

Especially with a nose my size. Talking of noses, I felt like flicking his nose or something to get his attention but it might be meanio because I might really hurt him and I might make it go red and swollen and then we will have the same size noses. Everyone would walk past and see too hoodies with extremely gigantibus noses.

Although, that may be a plus. I bet Jaden wouldn't want to date someone with a huge nose.

I bet she is really superficial like that.

I bet even though she looks much prettier than me, my personality is better than hers.

_**3 minutes later**_

I probably have nothing to worry about anyway. She hasn't looked over at us once. So Dave is quite literally Mr. Nobody to her.

Good.

_**6 minutes later**_

Not that I am bothered.

_**6.00pm**_

We called it a day Stalking wise. Well, if you could call it stalking. We just sat there really. It wasn't even French Resistance. She didn't come up to us or even notice us which is fabby, fabby, fabby.

I don't know why though.

When we were doing the parting of ways, Dave took my hand and for some mad moment I thought he was going to shake it. But he gave it a little squeeze and said, "Thanks Gee, for this," and I said, "It's finey, what are best girl/boy-type mates for?"

And he smiled. Then his hand sort of lingered on mine for a second and then he went. I don't know why.

_**2 minutes later**_

Meaning I don't know why his hand lingered on mine, not why he went. Because he is probably going to go home. Like me and-

"Georgia?"

Oh _merde_. It's Robbie.

_**6 minutes later**_

Same Bat Bench.

Same Bat Time.

Robbie and I went to sit on the same bench that me and Dave were sitting on. I hope he hadn't seen us together.

He just sat there for a bit, looking at me. I tried to look back and not to blink. Because blinking is unattractive. Apparently. It was like having one of those staring competitions. My eyes were really starting to waters and sting. I had to look down because I had a nervous twitch. As soon as I looked down, he took my chin (as I have said many times, and I will say it again, for the benefit of the vair vair dim, he didn't rip it off my face, he put his hands under my chin) and he lifted my face up so I was looking up at him again.

Good grief! What is this? Round two?

_**1 minute later**_

Still having my chin held up.

I forgot how nice the Sex God's hands felt. They are big and manly, but delicate at the same time.

_**3 minutes later**_

He has let go of my face finally. I had to look away to have a blinking spaz like two short blinking things. My eyes were so dry.

Then Robbie said, "It is quite chilly isn't it?" and he put his arms around me.

I managed to say, "Robbie?"

He sighed and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't leave it quite right the other day, did I?"

I shook my head. He pushed my hoodie hood off my head.

I suddenly remembered that I hadn't got any make up on. I thought he might go 'Yuck!' and shove the hoodie hood on faster than you can say 'Erlack!' But he didn't. He gently kissed the tip of my nose. (?)

Is that good or bad??

_**2 minutes later**_

He said, "Listen Georgia, I know this must be hard for you, but it is hard for me too,"

I resisted the urge to shout OO-ER!!

Robbie carried on, in his Sex Goddy way. "Georgia…"

Oh my giddy god's pyjamas. Here we go. 'I love you, you are the most fantastic girl in the world, be my one and only…'

I must have the Mystic Meg about me because he said, "I can't forget you Georgia. You are, quite frankly, the maddest person I have ever met. But I like it. I like the way that I will say something and you will starting talking about the pope. I like the way you are different from other girls,"

He sighed.

"I think I may love you, Georgia,"

OH MY GOD.

_**30 seconds later**_

He loves me.

HE loves ME.

Robbie, the Sex God, Marsupial man, my first love LOVES ME.

Me, Georgia Nicolson. Me Me Me Me.

Breath.

Oh my giddy god, oh my giddy god!!

Arrrgh.

_**1 minute later**_

After he said that, I just sat there with my mouth open. Like a goldfish but only not as intelligent-looking.

Why now of all times Big G??

That was everything I wanted to hear…a year ago. I would have quite possibly died of a swelling heart if I'd heard it last year. But I don't want to hear it now. I have Masimo. I can't have old Horn Partners awaking from the dead bearing tidings of luuurve. A girl can only be loved so much.

_**30 seconds later**_

Masimo has said he loves me. On the phone, from _Italia. _He said that his love has given him the wings. Given him the wings…

_**1 minute later**_

But according to the TV adverts Red Bull also gives you wings, so maybe he has been drinking some of that??

_**30 seconds later**_

Anyway, Robbie only said he may love me. As in, he may not.

_**1 minute later**_

Dave the Laugh said that he thought he was in love with me that once. When he was wearing his red nose. And we had our first accidental snog.

But he meant in a chocolate-type way.

I wonder whether Robbie means it in a chocolate-type way? Argh, I have said it many times but boys are a bloody mystery. Not only can S'later mean see you not later or see you later, and when is later; I love you can mean I have the specific horn for you, or I think you are like chocolate.

They don't tell you this sort of thing in _Men are From Mars Women are From Venus_. You just get things about men being made out of elastic. It is WUBBISH. And also _Krappe_.

Robbie said, "Gee, are you ok?"

I said, "Did you mean like chocolate??"

He just looked at me like I was mad and then said, "Do you want to walk, so you can, err, calm down??"

I just nodded.

_**4 minutes later**_

Robbie and I walked around town for a little bit. I remembered in the Simple Days of last year when I made us go in loads of shops so people would see me with Robbie. I hope no one sees me with him now.

_**2 minutes later**_

I hate Big G. Why give me a Sex God now?? I have brought my Italian Cakey and have eaten it and it was very yummy thank you very much.

_**5 minutes later**_

Robbie stopped us and said, "I know all of this is really difficult for you, Georgia. But I can't not say all this,"

I just looked at him. I felt all dazed but I remembered to suck my nose in.

He cleared his throat sheepishly and said, "I guess what I am asking for is a second chance," and he leant in a snog me.

_**6 minutes later**_

Phoar! Phoar! Phoar!

I really know I shouldn't be doing this but the Sex God is an ace snogger indeedio. I sort of stopped thinking properly and just melted into him. It was beyond stupid brain. It was no brain. All I could think about was I am snogging the Sex God. Who loves me.

And then Robbie broke off and said, "Oh God,"

What? Don't' stop!!

He was looking across, into the road. I looked too and in my snoggy haze I saw Masimo on his scooter. Masimo, Masimo, oh PANTS Masimo.

He was looking at us like we were some sort of freak show. He looked like he was going to cry.

Brain to Georgia! Brain to Georgia! Your boyfriend has just seen you snog another guy! Do something!!

"Masimo!!"

Masimo just did a U-turn and sped off.

_**Bed of Pain.**_

My red bottom has taken things too far. Eight miles too far to b precise.

_**2 minutes later**_

Why am I back on the rack of luuurve again? I am a slave to the cosmic horn that is why.

_**4 minutes later**_

Why did Robbie have to come back into my life bearing tides of Love now?? I hate God and Buddha. I think I may become an Atheist.

_**3 minutes later**_

Either that or suicidal. Or a prostitute.

_**10 minutes later**_

I took the bullet by the horns and phoned Masimo.

_**2 minutes later**_

No answer.

_**1 minute later**_

As I was leaving the phone, it rang.

Please let it be Masimo!!

It was Robbie. _Merde_.

_**5 minutes later**_

Robbie wants us to talk things through properly. I don't think I can stand much more talking.

Robbie wants us to meet at Luigis and chat over coffee. He feels bad about Masimo but he feels that he must tell me how he feels. He thinks we should have a heart to heart.

But the question is, do I want to??

* * *

**OH MY FREAKING GOD, I've FINALLY FINISHED CHAPTER FIVE!! (I write Dave first, you see, Gee after, because she is usually a shorter chapter but not this time!!)**


	13. Dave: Boy on a Mission

**As always, read Georgia's side first please xx**

* * *

_**Dave**_

**Boy on a Mission**

_**Wednesday 21**__**st**__** September**_

_**8.00am**_

I left the house early to avoid the Titches. But unfortunately that means I have about half an hour to waste because I am not sad enough to turn up at school half an hour early.

_**2 minutes later**_

What should I do to waste half an hour…?

_**1 minute later**_

I could go and, I don't know, accidentally-on-purpose bump into Georgia on her way to school…

But then that may interfere with Operation: Red Herrings II and everything will go into the Piddly Diddly Department of Life.

_**3 minutes later**_

God, I hate having a plan to follow. I prefer to be free and wild and throw all caution to the wind. It is a lot more fun that way.

_**2 minutes later**_

Went to call for Ed. He lives nearest me.

_**5 minutes later**_

Had to walk past Emma's house to get to Ed's. I had one of those pangs of guilt type things. Hmmm.

_**4 minutes later**_

_**Ed's House**_

Ed, the lazy loon, is still asleep. Can you believe that?

_**1 minute later**_

I dive-bombed him.

I thought he was going to have a seizure he was that shocked.

He said, "Dave, as much as I know you luuurve me, can you reframe from dive bombing me while I am trying to sleep?"

I said, "No,"

He couldn't think of a comeback for that one.

_**9.10am**_

_**School**_

Arrive nice and on time for school (i.e. late). It is not fair really that I should get a bad conduct mark for being late, especially since I was up at ridiculous hours of the morning. I blame Ed entirely. I have never known anyone to be so fussy with their hair. It is painful to watch him. Painful because I was holding back the urge to biff him.

_**Assembly**_

Oh what larks!

Tuck said, "It has come to our attention some boys have been wearing high lighter on their nails and eyes. Let it be known, in this school we do not tolerate transvestitism. The way some of you seem to think it is ok to dress and act, you would think this school is like a Gay's Club,"

We had a simultaneous laughing fit and had to turn it into coughs. I whispered to Rollo, "How does he _know _it's like a Gay Club??"

Rollo waggled his eyebrows and whispered back, "He must have gone with Masimo; it is the only explanation,"

I saluted him. Very funny indeedio.

_**2 minutes later**_

Although I don't think it is a good thing that my, Rollo and Dec's Posh Ladeee antics from yesterday were picked up in assembly. Still live and let live that is what I say.

_**Break**_

Brilliant! We are geniuses from the fairground of fun, it must be said.

The door to the photocopying room was opened and so, what's five vair bored, slightly insane boys to do?

Scan our faces into the photocopier no less! Yessssss.

_**4 minutes later**_

I have some brilliant pictures of my face all squashed up against the glass. I am going to treasure them forever. They are really good.

We were carrying on like that until Rollo said, "I want to photocopy my butt,"

He cannot be serious.

But he was. We realised that when he unzipped his fly and we hastily turned our backs and covered our faces (out of not wanting to be scarred for life than for his dignity, because trust me, he has no dignity whatsoever).

Then he said, "All done!" and he was standing admiring the pictures. It was truly bonkers.

I told him that, I said, "Rollo, you are truly bonkers. Who in their right mind photocopies their bum?"

Rollo said, "I am not showing you the pictures,"

I said, "Erlack! I don't want to see the pictures of your butt, thank you,"

Rollo said, "Good. Because you are not seeing either,"

"You did two?"

"One for me, one for Jools,"

Oh. What a lovely gift that'll be.

Not.

_**3 minutes later**_

Poor Jools.

_**1 minute later**_

Almost as poor as the next person to use the photocopier.

Needless to say, we didn't scan our faces any more.

Erlack!!

_**4 minutes later**_

Rollo said, "Go on, Dave, do it too,"

I said, "No Rollo, I have far much more dignity than that,"

_**Sitting on the Photocopier**_

_**2 minutes later**_

...I cannot believe I have been roped into doing this.

All I can say is that I had enough pride to keep my trousers on.

_**1 minute later**_

Excellent photos, even if I do say so myself.

You just don't see your bottom from that angle usually.

Unless you're double jointed of course. I'm not. Well, I can make my thumb touch the back of my hand if I really try but it hurts like billio. And a half.

_**3 minutes later**_

We've all scanned our bums now (we all kept our trousers on though). Dec's taken Rollo's lead and decided to give a copy to Ellen. I bet she'll be very appreciative.

No one is seeing my photocopy.

_**1 minute later**_

I am sure Georgia won't want to anyway.

_**Maths**_

We didn't want to go to maths because it is dull. Which I think is a perfectly good reason to skive.

The thing is where to hide to skive. We used to hide in the Science Store Cupboard but we were kind of found when we were messing about with the stuff in there and caused a miniature explosion. So it is under 'tight security' now (i.e. they bothered to lock up the door)

_**4 minutes later**_

We went and hid in the ICT room under the desks. The desks are very deep and back into the wall so it is virtually impossible for anyone to see us unless they actually went around looking under the desks like a fool. It is vair nice and warmy under here too because the computers are so old they overheat like loons.

Of course the conversation turned to girls and Rollo decided to give us a blow by blow account of his and Jools snogging exploits.

I said to him, "Rollo, encase you haven't noticed, you snog Jools practically everyday and it is not special. But I am on Operation: Red Herring II and that may be a once in the life time opportunity me-and-Georgia-wise, so please shut up and let me speak,"

Rollo gave me a looks-could-kill-type look but let me speak. Well, I was about to speak but the classroom door opened and in trotted the first formers. Oh bugger, they must be having a lesson on how to destroy computers. I don't know why the school has tried to 'modernise'. I am just so glad I have escaped this because I am 'out of the specified age range' as Tuck had put it in Assembly.

_**3 minutes later**_

I have two legs sitting in front of me. It's quite disturbing. But we can't go unless we want to give away our (excellent) hiding place. And have detention for the next centaury.

_**5 minutes later**_

Why do first formers swing their legs like miniature loons? Why? I never swung my legs when I was a first former, I am sure of it. The first former is practically taking off my nose every time he swings his legs. Why does he do it? Why?

They are all doing it. All done the row of tables, you can see. It is like synchronised swimming. Just without the water.

We've had to back into the wall too avoid being kicked in the face.

_**3 minutes later**_

I don't think we can be heard over the noise. I think the computers are ready to explode they are that noisy.

I whispered, "Right, I was going to speak to you about Red Herrings-"

Tom said, "Do you want a copy of the PROPER List? Me and Jas-"

I said, "Not really. And can we not involve Jas in too much of this, please? Because I know that she is Georgia's mate and a vai- very useful double agent but all you two do is snog when this plan is kind of important to my health i.e. I may implode if it doesn't work,"

Tom said, "We don't just snog Dave,"

I said, "You do Tom. Admit it. You snogged all yesterday when we were waiting for Jaden and before you even snogged in my bedroom, which I find a little rude, actually,"

Tom went a little huffy.

I said, "And also, it is a little annoying when I go mad and do stupid things like dress up as a clown- which was to scare you, by the way- and you bring girls around," then I said, "Oh bugger, she saw didn't she? You must tell Jas to never, ever, ever to mention that to Gee,"

Rollo piped up, "Too late Dave, Jools was telling me that Jas told everyone,"

This is the reason why I didn't want Jas involved. I said, "Oh God, what did Georgia say?"

Please say she saw the hilariousity point of view on it!

Tom said, "Jas said that Georgia did think it was a bit funny," phew, "But she also said you were quite demonic,"

Do you ever get those moments when you really wish you'd thought before doing something?

_**3 minutes later**_

Why do people take me so seriously when I go temporally insane?

I must remember not to be mad. I must be mature and err…boring. Oh, that would never work.

_**1 minute later**_

Hopefully Georgia would have understood, after all, apparently she went to a party as a stuffed olive. Which is a bit bonkers.

_**3 minutes later**_

I said, "None of you are to mention the Posh Ladeee Antics from yesterday either,"

Dec said, "I am going to just to see your face again when Georgia finds out about you making what is commonly known as a twit and a fool of yourself,"

I said, "Wrong, Dec, you won't. Because you did it too. And I'll tell Ellen. And what do you think Ellen would say?"

Dec looked a bit startled, "Um, err, um,"

I said, "That is quite right,"

_**4 minutes later**_

I was about to try and start talking about Operation: Red Herring II when there was this little voice going, "Siiiiiirrrrr, I think there is so one under my desk,"

And Mr. Bramwich's face appeared in front of us. It is quite alarming. He looks like Hagrid crossed with a wild boar but twice as cross.

We pegged it.

_**Lunch**_

After my detention for the advert-defacement I joined the boys. We were doing keepie-uppie-passy-type thing between us because the pitch (area between the science block and canteen) was over run with first formers. We would go and kick them off but they go squealing to teachers that you are 'bullying' them. Or they set you on fire. I am not joking. They are little menaces. We need midget-exterminators.

I said to the boys when we were passing the ball, "I had to walk past Emma's house on the way to Ed's,"

Kickie, kickie ball.

"I still feel a little funny about all that,"

Keepie-keepie uppie.

Rollo said, "Why?"

I said, "I don't know,"

_**English**_

Oh brilliant. Not. I forgot about the whole call-me-Mr. H and I've-declared-war situation type fandango.

_**3 minutes **__**later**_

He is actually making us do 'Speaking Presentations'. We started them with our last English teacher but no one thought we would actually have to do them. Unfortunately Call-me-Mr. H is all red faced and keen on them.

As a mark of my declaration of war I am refusing point blank to do anything.

_**2 minutes later**_

And also the theme is 'Shopping Channels' and I am no where near as camp as to do something like that. And besides I must now be 'mature' knowing what trouble being silly can get me in (i.e. clown wise)

_**1 minute later**_

Dec is doing it though. I can hear him mumbling to himself. I am embarrassed to know him.

_**3 minutes later**_

Even Rollo, Tom and Ed are doing them too. I feel betrayed. I just slumped in my chair in a betrayed-sort-of way.

_**2 minutes later**_

Funny thing is, Call-me-Mr. H isn't making me do anything. He just said, when he walked past my desk, "David, I wouldn't slouch like that; you might give yourself a hunch back,"

Things teachers come up with are unbelievable.

_**3 minutes later**_

Sat up straight just encase he was right though.

_**½ hour later**_

They are showing them now. I have just had to sit through the most painful experience of Phil the Nerd trying to sell us his calculator. But Call-me-Mr. H luuurved it and was clapping like a loon and stuff. Then he said, "Ok…Declan Franks, your turn,"

Dec stood up and said, "Come on, Dave, up you get,"

I said, "I told you, I am not doing this,"

Dec said, "Of course you're not. I am selling you,"

What fresh hell?

_**1 minute later**_

Standing at the front while Dec is going, "Buy this Dave!... Superb quality…everyone wants a Dave…while stocks last…yours for only a penny!"

I said, "A penny, Dec?! That is very insulting I am worth far more than that!!"

Dec said, "Aw, you are just grumpy because you fancy Georgia but she isn't interested and so you are pretending to fancy Jaden to make Georgia jealous. And you are also moping because of dumping Emma,"

In front of everyone.

I said, "Thank you Dec, I am sure the whole class wanted to know all about my relationships,"

Dec said, "Oh, um…buy this Dave!!"

_**2 minutes later**_

The worst three minutes of my life are finally over.

Dec was chuffed because he got a really high mark for his presentation. He thinks it is his 'calling'. But I am annoyed because as we were going to sit down Call-me-Mr. H said, "Well done Declan, excellent presentation. Very entertaining. Especially the bit about the product's history,"

Meaning what he had said about me and Georgia, Jaden and Emma.

I am not one for teacher-abusing but I really felt like hitting him. I am going to have to plan something big war-wise for next lesson.

_**Minibus**_

_**3.30pm**_

We are joining the girls on another loon production episode- Yes, Yes, and three times yes!! I cannot wait to break into a fresh bout of PANTS. It should be larks akimbo.

I wonder whether I would be put on lights again. It was hilarious to the extreme last time when I turned them off and all the forest fell over. I don't think Georgia realized it was in fact _moi_ who ran up and pinched her bum. I am like a secret-agent type person. Even if I did fall over somebody dashing back to the switches. Ah, happy days!

_**In the hallowed halls of Stalag 14**_

_**4 minutes later**_

The girls were hanging around back stage. In a moment of madness I went rushing down the hall and leapt onto Georgia's back shouting boo! I thought she was going to have to be taken to a secure unit; she went mental. "…can't go jumping on people's backs…broken my back…given me a heart attack…killed me…blablablabla,"

Then she stopped, blinked in a confused way and then said, "I officially love you, Dave,"

What???

_**1 minute later**_

Hmp. It turns out that she has had hiccups all day and I making her jump stopped them.

I said, "My pleasure, Sex Kitty,"

But it wasn't really. I felt a bit miffed because for a second I thought she'd meant something else.

Ah well, there is much work in the name of PANTS to be done!

_**8 minutes later**_

The boys gave their girlfriends the photocopies of their bottoms. I really didn't think they were going to do it but this shows how truly spectacularly mad they are. And stranger still, their girlfriends seemed to appreciate them. It is madness.

Then, for some reason unbeknown to man, Georgia came bounding up to me and said, "Have you got anything for me, Dave?"

I had my photocopy in my blazer pocket but she is not seeing that until hell freezes over. I said, "No,"

She actually seemed a bit miz at that. I wonder why?

_**4.00pm**_

I have decided to start Operation: Red Herring II today properly. Mighty as well, the quicker I start it, the quicker Gee will be all miney miney mine. Maybe.

I told Tom to make sure that Jaden is in the park around half five. He asked me whether I'd like her to come over to us but I said that I would like her just to 'happen to be there' and not notice me because then I am still free and single for Georgia but still the operation works. I am a genius.

Then when we were all walking out of Stalag 14 Georgia and I sort of lagged behind talking about whether Herr Kamyer's sudden attractiveness or something and I said, "Gee, would you, um, come with me on the Jaden-type fiasco tonight,"

I felt like the master fool.

Amazingly she said, "Oh, yeah, coolio, of course I will Dave!" (?)

_**Georgia's House**_

_**8 minutes later**_

Hung around the living room while Georgia went upstairs to get changed and dump her school stuff. I was trying to keep a low profile but I couldn't escape the mad watchful eye of Libby.

"Daveeeee! Yay!"

Oh PANTS.

_**1 minute later**_

Apparently I am Libby's new 'dolly boy' whatever that means.

_**3 minutes later**_

Libby is dragging me around the house by the hand while I am desperately trying not to knock anything over. She is vair fast for a toddler. So much for keeping a low profile.

She was shouting, "I lobe my new dolly boy!" when Georgia's Mutti appeared out the blue. I am quite frankly puzzled on how that much nunga can appear so fast.

She said, "Oh, hello, Dave,"

I tried to say hi but Libby screeched over the top of me, "Mummy! Do you like my new dolly boy??"

Georgia's Mum said, "Libby, I don't think Dave wants to be your dolly boy,"

I said, "Oh, that's ok, Mrs. Nicolson. I'm fine with little kids, I go psycho almost never,"

She said, "No, Dave, you really don't want to be her dolly boy. The last boy who was her dolly boy ended up with a Mohican hair cut and the word BUM on his forehead in indelible ink,"

Good Grief.

_**10 minutes later**_

Georgia came down in her 'stalking gear' i.e. a pink hoodie. She was wearing hardly any make up which I quite liked actually. I don't know why she feels the need to put a vat of slap on all the time.

_**My House**_

_**5 minutes later**_

Took Gee to mine so I can ditch my school stuff and get changed. I don't think she has ever been to my house before. Still, there is a first time for everything.

We were about to go inside when the crazy lady from next door came storming out and shouted, "I know it's you! I know it's you who's putting stones through my greenhouse! This is the final straw! I will be calling the police next time! Mark my Words!"

I wanted to yell IT ISN'T ME, YOU MAD OLD BAT!! THERE ARE JUNIOR BLUNDER BOYS AROUND THE BACK! WHY NOT ASK THEM AND THEN GO GET ON WITH YOUR KNITTING AND LEAVE ME ALONE?? But Gee was here so I had to restrain myself. So I said in my most diplomatic voice, "It isn't me, you mad old bat. There are junior blunder boys around the back, why not ask them?"

Which caused her to trundle off mumbling about 'kids of today, when I was a girl etc etc'

_**1 minute later**_

Got into the house when the old bag had disappeared off. I ditched my stuff in the living room and was about to go upstairs to get changed when I heard banging coming from the kitchen.

Oh buggery buggery bugger!! I hope we don't have burglars! That is all I need!!

I said, "Hello? Who's there?"

"Oh, just me," It was Chris. PHEW!! "Mum just asked me to take a look at the washing machine because it's died apparently,"

I said, "Yeah, I know, it's eaten half my socks," it is like the monster washing machine. Then because of fear of explosions I said, " …do you actually know how to fix a washing machine?"

He called back "No, isn't it fun?"

Gee asked me "Who's that?"

"My brother, Chris. He doesn't live here anymore," Because he has abandoned me on my ship on life.

Chris had heard Georgia and true to form came trundling in to see. He said, "Oh, and who's this, _Dave_?"

Georgia had some weird dither spaz and said "Nnugh," Like she had watsit…Stupid Brain. I just hope it is because of me and my biscuitosity. Otherwise there may be a family feud.

Chris was looking all keen to be nosy and ask questions so I gave him a 'Do not say anything on the pain of death- your death, that is' look and he went away.

I said to Georgia, "Make yourself at home; I will just be a tick,"

She sat down…straight onto Patch. I don't think she noticed her. Patch did her mad cat yowling thing. I thought Georgia was going to jump out of her skin.

I said, "Please don't kill my cat, Georgia,"

She said, "That cat is GIGANTIBUS!"

I said, "I know. Lovely isn't she?"

She just looked at me. What? It is normal to have an obese cat. Isn't it?

Ok, maybe it isn't…but try saying that when Patch is doing her eye thing. You can't say no to that.

I think I am becoming a push over in my old age. Well, teenage age anyway.

_**5 minutes later**_

I put on a hoodie to be in keeping with the 'stalkers clothes'. I feel a little funny and nervy about doing this. I wonder whether it is a good idea after all…

_**1 minute later**_

But if I back out now, what would I say to Georgia. 'Sorry, but I am not really in luuurve. It is just Tom's cousin' ? That would make me sound like a twit of first water.

I must stand my ground. And plus that this may be my one and only chance to get with Georgia.

_**2 minutes later**_

Came down and found Chris booting the washing machine to death with Georgia watching him. Then he turned it on and it worked.

I said, "Why does it never work when I do that?"

Chris said, "Because you are not skilled unlike me-God, I am dying for a coffee" and he had a nose through the cupboard and said, "Dave, how come there is absolutely nothing in the cupboards?"

I shrugged, "It was only you that bothered doing the shopping,"

"Dave, I moved out three years ago. What have you been living on since?!"

I said "The finest diet of thin air," I don't think anyone realised how true that was.

_**3 minutes later**_

Chris said to us as we were leaving, "Do you two need a lift anywhere? Not too out of way, though. I have to rush home to scrub myself up because I have a date later,"

I wonder who with?

I said, "Yeah, ok," and Gee nodded in a dazed sort of way.

Chris' car is blue this time.

I said, "You've customised it again! It's blue. It used to be red. It changes every time I see it,"

Chris said, "Yeah, I get bored with it. Oh, there aren't any seat belts in the back because I haven't got around to putting them back in,"

Oh god. We are all going to die.

_**3 minutes later**_

Famous last words.

Chris' girlfriend rung him while he was driving and he answered, "Yeah, babe, uh-huh, hmmm, yeah, I'll phone them and move the booking back, half an hour say? Can you give me the number, wait let me get some paper," and like a twit he let go of the steering wheel to look for paper. Honestly. Where did he learn to drive?? Road Accidents United??

I shouted, "Chris! Get your hands back on the wheel!"

Chris answered "I'm driving with my knees, it's ok, we are not going to crash,"

Of course. That is so safe. Not.

And then we nearly went careering into a lorry so I had to grab the wheel. Chris ended his call and looked at me like I was in the wrong.

I said, "Are you trying to kill us?"

Chris said, "You may value your life, little brother, but I value my date," and he decided to zoom forward and I fell backwards into Gee. I don't know why but she started laughing like a loon. And wouldn't stop. Which made me laugh too.

_**5 minutes later**_

We survived!!

I said, grabbing Georgia's hands and doing a celebration dance, "We made it, Kittykat! We are alive!" then I let them drop. We were standing face to face. It would be so easy to lean forward and snog her…

But I must remember I am a boy on a mission.

I said, "Chuddy?"

_**1 minute later**_

See what I did?? See?! I offered her chuddy because that puts snogging type fandangos out of the question. Because we can't snog with chewing gum in our mouths unless we want to choke to death. I am a genius.

Not that I don't want to snog her, because believe me, I do. But I can't let her think that even though I 'luuurve another' she can still get snogs on the side. Because otherwise she won't get jealous. And it will end up in the piddly diddly department of life.

_**5.30pm**_

We sat on a park bench chomping away on chuddy. I felt a little funny because it was the same bench me and Emma had broken up on. Still, it can't be helped.

Then Gee said, "So, where is she then?"

I had a look around and I said pointing at Jaden, "That's her,"

Georgia said, "She is feeding the ducks,"

Why couldn't she have thought of something more attractive to be doing? Although it don't know what I could suggest. I had to pretend that I really liked that she was animal friendly. When actually, I don't mean this in a mean way, but I don't give a flying pig's bottom. Gee just raised eyebrows at me. She sees straight through me, I am sure of it.

_**1 minute later**_

Georgia suddenly decided to lean against my shoulder. I looked at her in surprise. She said, "It's nippy noodles and you are quite warm,"

Oh.

_**5 minutes later**_

I tried doing a bit of number 2 on the PROPER listy (Talking about Love Object constantly) but I couldn't think of anything to say. I was really aware of Georgia on my shoulder. She was actually quite warm too as it happened.

_**4 minutes later**_

Oh dear. Poor Jaden. Some blunder boys had decided to go up and start hitting on her. I should really go and rescue her. But I needed to keep Operation: Red Herring II alive. And I didn't want to leave Georgia. And I could use it too my advantage and opportunity to do number 7. (Having the Gigantibus Green Eyed Monster when Love Object comes within ten miles of another guy)

I said, "Those blunder boys are talking to her,"

Georgia sighed, "Well why don't you go up and talk to her,"

Ah. No. That is out of the question. I need to stay free.

I shook my head.

Gee said, "Aw, are you shy, Mr. Laugh?"

Does she think I am capable of shy?? But I said, "Yes, I am actually, if you don't mind," She didn't seem to know what to say to that so she just pulled my hoodie hood up.

So I pulled hers up. We both looked like a couple of chavs.

Then she snuggled into me more and put her arms around my shoulders. What fresh hell?

As much as I love her and stuff, I really hate it when she flirts with me. I never know whether I am coming or going and whether she means it in a specific horn sense, cosmic horn sense or matey sense.

I think she does it just to mess me around. Which begs the question; why do I fall for it every single time??

_**6.00pm**_

Gave up on today's session of Operation: Red Herrings II. I don't think Georgia has the green eyed monster yet. I will have to up my game. A LOT.

_**3 minutes later**_

Still, soon my biscuit will be chocolate chipped and then I won't need to worry about any candy pieces (Jaden) or raisins (Emma).

_**1 minute later**_

Emma…I can't really put going to see Emma off much longer. I don't like breaking up with girls and I like to make sure that they are ok and stuff. Because I never went and saw Ellen after and I think I've turned her into a nervous wreck.

It's already been three days Emma-wise. Still, she probably won't want to kill me anymore.

_**Emma's House**_

I rang the door bell and Emma's Mum answer. Nice, respectable folk her parents are of course. Not nutters like mine are.

Her mum said, "Oh, um, Dave, I thought you and Emma weren't going out anymore..."

I said, "Yes, but I want to see if she's ok...she does want to see me doesn't she?"

Her mum said, "Of course, of course, you know which one her room is don't you? Just go straight up,"

Wow! No interrogation of the Spanish Inquisition or anything! I went upstairs (narrowly missing a run in with Spot). She had music blaring from her room. And it was miz break up music. Oh poo and buggeration, she must still be really upset.

I knocked on her door but there wasn't any answer so I opened it.

She was prancing up and down on her bed lip-singing into her hair brush. (!)

It was hilarious to watch, she had her back to me and was doing all this mad dancing and stuff. Excellent. And then she span around and saw me and nearly fell over.

"DAVE!!" and she threw her hair brush at me in shock. And she has quite good aim.

_**O**__**n Emmas's Bed**_

_**2 minutes later**_

"Oh God, Oh God Oh God!! Sorry, I didn't mean to throw my hair brush at you, you scared me being at the door like that...your head's ok, isn't it?"

I said, "Probably just concussion. Or Brain Damage. No change there, hey?"

_**1 minute later**_

Once the initial shock of seeing me at her bedroom door wore off, Emma said, "So why are you here?" she said it in a really miserable and sulky voice but it was hard to take her seriously after seeing her singing into a hair brush so I had to hug her so she couldn't see me sniggering.

I said, still over her shoulder, "I just wanted to see if you were ok, we didn't exactly leave each other on a high note did we? But obviously you are ok, excellent mad dancing by the way, so I'll just-"

She said, "Don't go,"

Oh bugger. I said, "Emma, I only came around to see if you are ok, I don't...I didn't come around to get back together or anything," oh, dear, straight in with the kill there, Dave. Great tact. Not.

Emma said, "I know. But we can stay mates can't we?"

Oh, that was supposed to be my line! I improvised, "Of coursey, that will be fab, just matey mates, yep," ah, my impro skills save the day once more.

She said, "Good, because you do know if you disappeared completely from my life then I'd really miss you,"

Aaaaw.

I said, "What, my biscuit-ness would leave a huge gap in your life?"

She said, "Nah, it'll just feel weird without your insanity,"

Oh, lovely. Still, how brilliant? This has to be by far the most-easiest-on-the-conscience-type break up ever. Superb!

_**Home**_

_**8.30pm**_

Oh Crap, crap and futher more crap.

_**3 minutes later**_

I am truly a terrible person. In fact no, I am a crap person.

_**4 minutes later**_

I am packing my bags and moving out to:

1 Crap Lane

Crappington

Crapishire

CR44 4PP

That is what a crap person I am.

_**6 minutes later**_

Oh God, oh God, oh Godddd.

_**5 minutes later**_

Me and Emma were getting on brilliantly as matey-mates. After all the awkward break up talk was done with, we were just chatting like old matey mates. It was like how it used to be, just talking normally like two normal people. Brilliant. Just chatting like we used to minus the snogging.

Then.

_**2 minutes later**_

But then I was about to go and we gave each other a hug- a strictly matey-type mate hug- in a sort of bye-mate-see-you-later-mate-type way. But when we let go of each other we were really, really close. Our noses were nearly touching.

And that is why we ended up snogging.

_**4 minutes later**_

Oh God.

_**2 minutes later**_

And let truth be told, that wasn't exactly a break-up comfort snog.

_**3 minutes later**_

Or even a One-Last-Snog type snog.

That was, quite honestly and as not to beat around the bush, a full frontal and Corrr type snog.

_**1 minute later**_

Oh GoddyGodGodGoddy. I really do have no self control over my mouth. It made me do it. It took over my brain and said, go on Dave! You know you want to snog her! Even though she is an EX and you love ANOTHER. Called GEORGIA. Go on, you know you want to!

Well, I am disowning it now. It can snog elsewhere.

_**3 minutes later**_

It was probably because I have watsit...snogging withdrawal symptoms.

Yes, that'll be it. I am so used to having a snog every single day that I would developed snog dependency. I mean, me and Emma went out for nearly three months. In days that would be...A Lot.

_**1 minute later**_

I did really like Emma. Perhaps even loved her. A little. Although she will always be second place to Georgia.

I don't want to get back together with Emma though. I will have to tell her. I don't know how though.

_**5 minutes later**_

Phone rang. I thought it would be Emma so I rushed downstairs like a loon. I think my elderly insane were a bit shocked.

"Hello? House of Laugh speaking,"

"Alrighty Dave?!" It was Jaden. How'd she get my number? Tom. That will be who.

I said, "Oh, hi, Jaden,"

She said, "So was what I did earlier, hanging around alrighty then? For your red fishie plan? Next time though, can we do something that is a little more interesting? It is mighty boring for me to just stand there. Although I did get chatted up…" and she started telling me about the fact those boys down at the park were flirting with her and she got one of their numbers and do I actually care??

I said, "Jaden, they are Blunder Boys. You don't want to know them. It is English Tradition to tell them to put their heads down a wazzarium,"

She said, "Tradition to what? Hey, you don't sound very happy, what's up, sugar?"

It is none of her business. That is why I said, "Oh, nothing, apart from the fact that I went round my ex's to see whether she is ok and we ended up getting off with each other,"

She said, "I'll come around,"

I said, "No, Jaden I-"

She hung up.

_**1 minute later**_

Phone rang again. Jaden again.

"Where do you live?"

I gave my address and she hung up again. Then just as I was going upstairs the phone rang AGAIN and it was Jaden AGAIN. She said, "Where is that?" and I had to give her directions to my house when I DON'T EVEN WANT HER ROUND!!

_**20 minutes later**_

Jaden showed up. I took her up to my room because I could see the Residential Loons nudging each other and I didn't want them to start nosing into everything.

When we were upstairs she said, "So, honey, what is the matter with you?"

I am not really the moany type but I found my self on the rant mobile i.e. ranting for all Billy Shakespeare Land. She, amazingly, just listened. Then she said when I'd finished, "But I thought you loved Georgia, not this Emma,"

I said, "Yes, but I wouldn't have gone out with Emma if I hadn't had feelings for her in the first place,"

She just nodded.

I carried on, "I do still like her, I mean we went out for ages but that's that. I don't want to go out with her again. I like her, but I like Georgia more,"

Jaden said, "You are one of the most complicated people I know, relationship-wise,"

Oh, how pleasant.

She's right though. No wonder I am so mad. It is because of all this.

I sighed and said, "Well, if everything was easy and simple I wouldn't have to be. In fact, there is a point. Why can't everything just be simple pimple?"

Jaden said looking at me like I was mad, "If everything was simple then we wouldn't appreciate it, you hear?"

I looked at her and then said, "You are vair full of wisdomosity in the way of the horn,"

"The horn?"

I explained, "Love and that sort of stuff,"

She said, "Of course, sugar!! I am actually a red fishie- angel thing come to make sure your relationships go right,"

I said, "You better be,"

_**10.00pm**_

Jaden's just gone. It is nice having a girl mate to talk to about this sort of stuff. Jaden says that I need to put Emma on the straight and narrow accidental-snog-wise. Jaden says just keep at Operation Red Herrings II with Georgia, only time will get her to like me.

_**2 minutes later**_

I was heading back upstairs when Vati said, "Dave? Come here a second,"

What have I done now?

_**1 minute later**_

Turns out my elderly loons just wanted to interrogate me vis-à-vis Jaden. Honestly. They are so nosy, it is unbelievable.

Hmmm, at least they are ganging up on me rather than at each others throats. Although that may not be a good thing.

Mutti said, "Is she American? I could hear she had an accent,"

Vati said, "Pretty, isn't she?"

Poor Jaden. My Dad rates her.

I said, "Vati, she is far too young for you,"

Which made Mum go a little quiet. Maybe that will start arguing and then they will leave me alone. Even though that does sound a tad meanio.

But no such luck. Vati said, "Don't be so cheeky. We try to pay an interest in your life-"

I said, "I really rather you didn't. In fact, I would like you to butt out completely, if that is not too much to ask,"

And for some reason unknown to mankind, Dad went ballisiticisimus and yelled at me to go to my room (does he think I am about five?). But, as I said to them, that suits me just fine because I have a lot of contemplating to do.

_**My bedroom**_

I need to talk to Emma ASAP about this snogging fiasco.

_**3 minutes later**_

I have spoken to all three girls that are on my Plate of Life today.

I feel very overloaded.

* * *

**I couldn't wait to find out what you thought about this chapter, with Emma, mwahahaha. **

**Don't worry, as are all my fanfics, it is Dave x Gee at the end of the day but I like putting other aggers in too. I know Emma isn't popular but I don't think she'll go out without a BANG. And I really, really cannot wait to write that BANG. :D**

**Ps. The shopping channels watsit was an idea I got in English because that is what we are doing. Lol, tis funny. I am selling a coca cola can. My friend is selling hair spray as the ultimate suicide weapon (inhale it, set it alight, bonk yourself over the head with it)**


	14. Author's Note: Updates

Sorry for not updating for ages! I'm doing my Mock GCSE's at the moment so I've been rushed off my feet revising and examing and cramming etc. But I have exam leave at the moment so I only go in for my exams then leave so I'll try to do some writing in between my exammies.

Sorry for delays.

Trampy Mouse xx


	15. Gee: The Plot Thickens

**I am so sorry this took so long. I have been as busy as a bee. Two bees. **

**I just don't seem to have much time anymore. Thank you for all your understanding when I said I was revising for my mocks. I'll be getting my results back in January.**

**I know updates are a little spacey and taking a while. But don't worry. I refuse to give up on a Fanfiction. And besides, I am just over half way through this fanfic now. **

**Anyway, let's get onto the long awaited, chapter 6!**

* * *

_**Georgia**_

**The Plot Thickens!**

_**Thursday 22**__**nd**__** September**_

_**8.00am**_

_**In my Bed of Pain**_

I am never, ever going to get up. Ever. Life is too crap.

_**2 minutes later**_

Typico. Libby comes lolloping into my room with her newest toy. It was an Action Man.

I think she may be embracing her more masculine side.

Not that it matters. If anyone would listen to me (i.e. no one) in my humble opinion it tops off our family quite nicely- A prozzie-look a like for a mother, a transvestite for a father, a stripper for an uncle, an incestuous cousin and now a transexualist for a sister.

_**3 minutes later**_

Action Man is already missing a head. And an arm. And clothes for that matter. (Oo-er)

But it still hurts when it hits your head. Owwww,

_**2 minutes later**_

Had to tear myself from my bed of pain. Because Mutti started yelling at me that I would be late for school. Who cares about school? It is so insignificant when you are lost in the Valley of Supreme Aggers, chained to the Rack of Luuurve, locked in the Bakery of Pain, and stuck in the Universe of the Red Bottom and beyond.

I am quite literally slave to the horn.

_**4 minutes later**_

I blame Robbie entirely. If he had come back with his Sex Godiosity and enticed me from my one and only (Masimo) I wouldn't be in this mess and facsimile of a sham.

_**5 minutes later**_

I haven't bothered with discrete make up today. Actually, I haven't bothered with ANY. And my hair looks like I've been electrocuted. Twice. Or dragged through a hedge backward. Or thrown out of a plane or- well, you get the idea.

The nub and gist of it is that I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO LOOK NICE.

_**2 minutes later**_

I like to think that I have that damsel-in-distress look they have in the Disney Cartoons (minus the ball gown)

That is what I like to think.

_**3 minutes later**_

Met Jas outside her gate. She said, "Blimey, you look rough,"

And she flicked her fringe. It was oh-so-perfectly straight and preened. God, she is annoying.

_**2 minutes later**_

Ruffled Jas's fringe.

_**5 minutes later**_

Maybe I should just forget boys. Knuckle down on my studies. Forget any Stallions, Guitar Pluckers or Laughs that might pop up in my path of life and just focus on getting good grades. I could become a nun. They aren't allowed boyfriends. They can't have the Big Red Bottom.

But I don't think I am exactly on God's good side. I mean, if he liked me, he would have made it possible for me to have two boyfriends. Or Masimo not show up. Or Robbie just leave me alone.

Who else leads sad, boyfriendless lives?

Teachers.

That is it. I will become a teacher.

_**4 minutes later**_

Took one look a Hawkeye on glaring duty at the gates measuring Melanie Griffiths Skirt and I thought er, no!

_**1 minute later**_

In my depressiosity I hadn't bothered to roll up my skirt. Not even a little. It was practically hanging around my ankles. Well, not quite, that is just naff.

Even Hawkeye was shocked. She said, "I am pleased to see that you have decided to take a reasonable attitude towards the uniform, Nicolson. What are you up to?"

Honestly! Adults! How crap are they??

I was a vision of sophisicosity, "Nothing, Miss Heaton, I am just decided that I am going to focus on my studies and concentrate on future career choices and grades and-"

Hawkeye said, "I have my eye on you,"

Gadzooks! You can't even learn without fascist dictatorship declaring you as a threat to society.

_**Assembly**_

Good Lord. Apparently we are going to have another Mrs. Tampax wannabe to have another (yes, another) Sex Talk in the last lesson tomorrow. What is it with these people? Do they think that we will forget if they don't remind us??

Jas says it's because they have to have so many 'PSHE' days a year but I know it is just because adults are obsessed with Sex and stuff. They are so childish.

_**2 minutes later**_

Although knowing luck I will never get to Number 10.

_**5 minutes later**_

I wonder whether Slim has got to number 10? Or would it be possible for a woman her size?

_**2 minutes later**_

ERLACK A PONGOES!!! Images! Out! OUT!

_**English**_

Rosie said, "You looked a little queasy in assembly. Are you ok? I am sure Miss Stamp will be up for giving you some physio if you ask nicely,"

I said, "Erlack, no thank you Rosie. I was just suffering disturbing image syndrome,"

Rosie said, "Don't worry, I get that a lot,"

I said, "Do you?"

She said, "Yes. Have you ever seen Sven in a fur g-string?"

And she licked her lips.

I am going to be violently sick.

_**1 minute later**_

Especially since I have seen what tights Miss Wilson has chosen to wear.

Who wears magenta corduroy tights? Yes, honestly, she has tights that are made out of corduroy. And are magenta. I am not joking. I am being vair vair serious that is how serious I am being.

No wonder she is a Miss.

_**3 minutes later**_

No, I mustn't think about the Trousers of Life. Miss Wilson has chosen to have digniosity and flounce out of the Cakeshop of Luuurve, across the street of Life and into the Shop of Magenta corduroy tights.

_**30 seconds later**_

Maybe I can buy some corduroy tights and so I can practice being sad and crap for a lonely (boyless) life ahead.

_**4 minutes later**_

What should I wear for seeing Robbie tonight?

_**2 minutes later**_

He is meeting me at six and there are rehearsals tonight so I'm probably not going to get out of the hell hole we not-so fondly know as Stalag 14 until 4-ish and…SACRÉ BLOODY BLEU I've only got 2 hours to get ready to see him!! Okay, we have RE last lesson and I could probably do my base coat of make up there because Miss Wilson is too busy droning on about BO or whichever part of her life story she has decided to kill us with so she won't notice-actually, you could probably found a pig farm and Miss Wilson won't notice, but that is not le point. Le point is that that is hardly any time. In fact one with as much wisdomosity as me can see that is no time.

_**Break**_

Rosie is discussing le menu for her Viking Sleep Over. She says that Sven might cook us some native Sven-land food but I have put my foot down with a firm hand. I refuse to eat octopus. Or shark. Or whatever they eat in Viking-a-gogo land.

_**3 minutes later**_

Rosie is going to invite the boys to the sleepover today.

Jas (timelordess) said, "I thought you were going to do that two days ago,"

She said, "Yes, but you do forget these things when you have a very hunky Norwegian fule to snog,"

Good Grief! Is that all they ever do?

Rosie carried on, "Anyway, I'm going to ask Tom, Rollo, Declan, Edward and Dave the Laugh tonight," then she turned to me, "Don't worry, Gee, you can't bring a guest,"

The other four looked at Rosie like she was talking WUBBISH.

_**2 minutes later**_

But I know what she is talking about.

She means that Dave the Laugh would not be able to bring Jaden.

_**3 minutes later**_

But not that it matters. She doesn't even know he exists anyway, Hahahaha.

And even if she did, why would I care?

_**4 minutes later**_

Actually, I do care. Quite a bit, if we are to bear our all (oo-er) and not beat about the bush.

But I care a lot more about this Robbie and Masimo catastrophe.

Oh _merde, trés trés merde_! And _ordure_. Lots and lots of _ordure_. And double poo.

_**PE**_

Miss Stamp had us running around the hockey pitch field like loons in PE knickers. But there is no change there.

Someone as full as confusiosity and merdiosity as me shouldn't be running around a hockey pitch in PE knickers. In Sub-Zero temperatures. I should be conserving my energy so I can deal with all the poo of life. But by Sadist Regime we are forced to.

And that is the sadnosity of life.

_**10 minutes later**_

Hell's Bells! What in the name of pantibus has happened to all my fitness from last year? When I was hockey star/ forfeited Badminton champ?

I blame Wet Lindsay entirely for the ankle-whacking extravaganza. If she hadn't swung her hockey stick at my completely innocent ankle then I wouldn't have been practically disabled. I don't think my ankle has ever recovered.

_**2 minutes later**_

Either it was that or when I wore shoes about eight times too small. And ended up with shoefeet.

_**3 minutes later**_

At least I am not as unfit as Melanie Griffiths. She has to huff and puff like a loon because of the weight of her nunga nungas pulling on her lungs.

I have said it once, and I will say it again: I think she is vair hormonally unbalanced.

Well, she is in general. Unbalanced, that is.

_**Lunch**_

Went into the piddly diddly department with Ellen and Mabs because it was _trés_ nippy noodles outside indeedy. The rest of the Ace Gang was doing the coat tent thing. We wouldn't because we are full of maturiosity. Well, actually, we wanted to apply emergency lip gloss in case we don't have chance to before the Foxwood lads arrive for the Rom and Jule but we are still full of maturiosity never the less.

_**3 minutes later**_

Zook Alors and lack a day! Jas was right, I do look rough. I am never going to not bother to look nice again. It is too much stress seeing myself in the mirror. I am going to have to have an intense beauty sess at home.

_**1 minute later**_

That is it. I will have to skive out of the rehearsals. I will never get ready in time for seeing Robbie otherwise.

_**3 minutes later**_

Not that I care about looking nice for Robbie. Because I am going to tell him that he is causing more trouble than he is worth in his Sex-Goddy trouble causing way.

But I will tell him that he is causing more trouble than he is worth whilst looking like a Sex Kitty.

Ooooh, I can feel a little stupid brain coming on and it's not even last period.

_**2 minutes later**_

Ellen has just poked herself in the eye with her lip gloss. How she managed to get it up there is _le mysteré de la vie_.

I have some _petite _fules for friends.

And that is being polite.

_**5 minutes later**_

I am feeling particularly French today. I may bring out the old 'French Casual' outfit to meet Robbie in (Sports Casual, twice the eye liner)

Actually, no. I must calm down on the French front. We have Froggie next and I don't want to be the Jas of Froggie. (i.e. a teacher's botty licker)

Madam Slack might get traumatic shock syndrome or whatever.

_**Froggie**_

I waltzed into Froggie and I said to Madam Slack, "_Bonsoir, Madame, C'est un trés trés merveilleux_ day, _non_? Full of lot's of _Oiseaus_ _oiseaus_ing in _un merveilleux oiseau_-y way,"

Actually, it was quite a PANTS day and the only_ oiseaus _were some shabby looking seagulls who lurk on top of the science block waiting to snatch an unsuspecting first formers sandwich from under their noses but any normal person would respect me trying to make a good thing out of a bad situation.

But we forget Madam Slack is a teacher and therefore not normal. She said, "Sit down, Miss Nicolson. Miss Heaton has told us to keep an eye on you,"

Good Grief. Can't you greet your Froggie Teacher in Froggie without the goons being called in?

_**5 minutes later**_

I cannot believe this place!!! It is so crap and fascist. In fact I am in disbeliefioisty at how crap this school is (huh, school, prison for the unfortunate more like).

A bad conduct mark just because I said "_Merde_,"

Honestly you can't even say poo in French anymore.

_**2 minutes later**_

Madam Slack just hates me because I came top in the French Test.

And what is this WUBBISH about Hawkeye telling her to 'watch me'?

This school is full of perverts.

Watch me indeed.

_**3 minutes later**_

The only consolation in the manger is that in an hours time I will be James Bond in a beret and skirt and slip through the sadist clutches (do my ever famous trick of climbing out the Tart's Wardrobes window) before I am called to rehearsals.

Let them try and watch me then.

_**RE**_

Miss Wilson was going on about some man dying in the road and his mates going 'Erlack' and crossing the road so his enemy puts him on his horse and rides into the sunset with him.

Which is all well and good, but if I was in his boots I would rather my enemy called an ambulance for me.

But we must remember this is set when people had very little brains and were quite barbaric.

_**1 minute later**_

It must be a fairly modern story then.

_**5 minutes later**_

Surely you would think they would have better things to do then than riding around on horses looking for people you hate to save. They must have led very narrow lives.

Why are my cuticles so crap??

_**20 minutes later**_

I have got my base coat of make up applied (I.e. foundation, concealer, lip gloss, mascara and eye liner).

I think I will leave it at that for the time being. I don't want Hawkeye picking on me for it.

Especially since she watches me. Erlack.

_**2 minutes later**_

But as Rosie smartly pointed out; I should be glad it isn't Miss Stamp.

_**Last Bell**_

At the last bell the Ace Gang and yours truly catapulted ourselves into the piddly diddly department so I could make my get way. We had the Titches stationed outside and when they said the coast was clear -"Titches to Ace Gang, the cat is in the box, I repeat the cat is in the box, over," (they got rather into the secret agent fantasy). Um, anyway, where was I?

Oh yes, when the outside coast was clear, the Ace Gang hoisted me up and pushed me through the window. Cor, blimey, how did I manage to do this last year??

Actually, I know how. It was because my nunga nungas were about half the size they are now.

_**3 minutes later**_

Made it. Just. There was a lot of shoving and pushing and squeezing in the basooma department (oo-er!) but finally I managed to get through the window.

Actually, I suddenly shot out like soap does when you squeeze it too hard. I nearly killed the Titches. I fell on top of them and nearly crushed them to death. But they will live.

As I was making sure the coast was clear down the old Fag-Ash alley (the Bummer's old haunts) Rosie was shouting, "Ach, me darlin' run! Rabbit run! You can tak' our lives but you cannae tak' our freedom!!"

It was quite funny but then Jools said, "Ooooh, I think the Foxwood lads are coming, let's go,"

And they all disappeared to go to the rehearsals.

_**4 minutes later**_

Jools was right actually. As I was speeding out of school I saw the Foxwood lads coming out of their minibus. I saw Dave the Laugh getting off the minibus. But luckily he didn't see me because he was too busy playing shovesies with his mates (why do boys do that??) because otherwise he may have tried to talk to me and blown my cover.

_**1 minute later**_

He was looking vair vair scrummy in his uni though.

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh God, I have the terminal red bottom.

I must think non-red bottomed thoughts for meeting Robbie tonight and telling him that I will not be his one and only.

_**4 minutes later**_

I wonder if we snog I could get him to do that ear snogging thing- shut up shut up shut up!!!

_**Home**_

I must start a Beauty Sess IMMEDIATELY.

_**10 minutes later**_

My hair is hopeless. Normally I think a bit of bouncibility is good in your hair but it is practically sticking up on end.

There is only one thing for it.

I must iron it.

_**15 minutes later**_

Hair is as straight and sleek as an, um, straight and sleek thing.

But on the bad side of the brook, it smells rather burnt.

And I have a crick in my neck from holding it on the ironing board.

_**2 minutes later**_

I will just have to hope that Robbie doesn't try to do that holding my chin thing again. Because otherwise there will just be a huge creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaak.

And my head will fall off.

Probably.

_**3 minutes later**_

Not that he will hold my chin. Because I won't let him. Because I am a woman with maturiosity.

In fact, I don't even know why I am trying to look like a Sex Kitty for him.

I am not going to put the effort into it. He is not worth it.

_**5 minute later**_

Curlers are in and facial mask is on.

_**5.00pm**_

Washed the facial off. It felt disgusting. Remind me never to use anything from Mutti's drawers ever, ever again.

_**10 minutes later**_

Decided against the French Casual clothing. It will only encourage me to start talking in Froggie. Which may be attractive in le Gay Paree but it makes you look like a twit in Merry England.

Ooh, I feel all hot and feverish. I must do some mad dancing.

_**2 minutes later**_

Rosie phoned whilst I was mad dancing. She did a bit of phone dancing, which mostly sounded like CRASH and BANG with the occasionally 'hit it, lads' from Sven (is he always around her house??)

But then she said, "Right, I have been speaking to Mr. Laugh vis-à-vis Jaden,"

I said, "Oh?" in a sort of casualosity-at-all times way that I am not really bothered, but tell me anyway.

She said, "I didn't get much out of him, but he said that he has never spoken to her before and he just seen her 'around'. And he just likes her for her looks. Which doesn't sound very much like our Laughy man, does it?"

I agreed.

She said, "Anyway, he sped off quite quickly before I could get the beard out so I will have to interrogate him some more. But you watch, he will fess up,"

I said, "Good work, Batwoman,"

She said, "I know, I know- Sven, get down from the curtains!!"

"oh Ja, oh Ja,"

_**Walking up to Luigi's**_

I am dressed in French Casual. _Trés Trés belle_ if I do say so myself.

Ooooh, I already feel jelloid.

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh I am so nervy about this meeting with Robbie! Why? I shouldn't be. Because he, quite frankly, has ruined everything between me and Masimo.

Still, I must set him straight. he can date stick insects for all I care now.

but then, it wasn't his fault. Masimo is quite the green eyed monster. Hmmm.

_**2 minutes later**_

I wonder whether Robbie's going to be there already?

He wasn't. that is not vair, vair, nice; making the lady wait.

But I will tell you who was there- Emma. And she was snogging the face off some boy. Blimey O Reily's trousers, she has so little pridnosity it is unbelievable. She is only just the dumpee of Dave the Laugh.

Then I realised exactly who she was snogging.

Oh my Giddy God's Pyjamas!! It's Dave the Laugh!

I don't know why but I suddenly felt really sick. I haven't seen Dave snog anyone else before. Not properly. in front of me. And there he was snogging Emma to an inch of her life. it was a deffo number six and Emma had her hands around the back of Dave's head.

I couldn't stand it. I ran.

_**1 minute later**_

Why in the name of pantyhose was Dave the Laugh snogging Emma?? She's his ex. He dumped her for a sex kitty!

That is not me.

Jaden. Stupid Jaden. Who he luuurves. Who he is head over heels for.

if that's true then why was he snogging Emma?

_**2 minutes later**_

Maybe he just wanted a snog. Like he wanted a snog when he snogs me. That she means nothing to him. like I did.

I HATE him. Stupid Snake in Blue Jeans. He is such a Tart. Dave the Tart. Who I should phone the cake shop of luuurve up for and tell them what a mean, callous selfish PIG he is!!

"GEORGIA! WAIT!"

I turned around and Dave the Laugh was running up the street towards me, Emma in tow. Typico.

But she didn't look happy at all. In fact she was fuming.

"Yeah! That's fine! Just go chasing after her! Like you always do!!"

huh? Have I missed something here? What in the name of pantyhose is going on?

I asked them that. I said, "What in the name of pantyhose is going on!?"

And Emma was looking like one of those mad bulls the Spanish wave red blankets at. She shouted, "Oh, don't act so innocent! I am sick of you tarting around, enticing him from me! How dare you just thrust yourself at him! Didn't you think about the fact that you were stealing him from me!!?? And well done; now you've succeeded, so you can go sell yourself somewhere else,"

Sell myself??? How dare she? Is she calling me a prozzie??

"Are you calling me a prozzie?!"

"That's EXACTLY what I am calling you!!"

Dave stepped in the middle with raised hands like in naff police movies and said, "Ladeeez please, I know I'm jack the biscuit bu-"

And we both told him to shut up. How can he make such light of the situation-type fandango when she called me a prozzie? Well, she's the whore of Babylon, tarting with her ex in full café. The other customers didn't want to watch porno whilst slurping their coffee. I bet it put them right off. It made me want to be sick.

I was going to tell her that, then I realised it might make the fiasco worse and then it'll be a slanging match and Dave will probably be shouting stuff like 'Bash her with your nungas!' so I said, "Listen, Emma, I don't know how you have this idea in your head, but it isn't me he likes! It's this girl called Jaden! So Leave me alone!"

Emma screamed, "The plot thickens!" does she think she is Sherlock PANTS? then she "JADEN! DAVE! WHO IN THE BLAZES IS JADEN, DAVE? Exactly how many of us have you had on the go?!"

He had Emma on the go?? Hang on, does she mean he has had me on the go? Because he darn well hasn't.

Dave tried to tell her that but she told him to shut up again. That's nice talk. He was just running his hands through his hair; I thought he was going to start tearing it out like a vair stressed person.

Because he should be. Stressed that is.

How many has he had on the go?? I never thought he was a proper cheater type person.

I thought he only cheated with me.

Good grief, he has a red bottom too. I am not the only one wondering the valley of the cosmic horn.

Emma looked like she wanted to behead both of us. So I said in my most calm, diplomatiosity-at-all-times-type voice, "Emma, I don't know what he was doing snogging you, but let me assure you I am not part of it and as for Jaden, she doesn't even know she exists!"

But Emma didn't appreciate my effort, "Don't get reasonable with me, missy!" Missy! I ask you! "I know that you are part of it. He TOLD me he loved you. He TOLD me that you snogged behind my back. So don't you stand so smug and innocent!"

He what?

He told Emma he loves me?

HE TOLD HER THAT WE SNOGGED BEHIND HER BACK!?

He is stupider than he looks. No wonder she looks so cross.

Hang on! HE LOVES ME????

But he said he doesn't. Apart from in a chocolate sense.

I looked at Dave to see whether he would say anything to deny it. Surely she has got it wrong. But he didn't say anything and just looked down.

I said, "Is this true, Dave?"

He was trying to say something with his eyes (if you know what I mean and I think you do) but before I could suss it out Emma hit number 10 on the Losing It Scale "Oh, like you don't know it already!"

I said, "All I was told about this is that you were dumped for a Sex Kitty and he told me she was Jaden,"

Emma shoved her hands over her ears and screamed, "Oh, Stop it, Georgia, just stop it! How stupid do you think I am?? Why don't you admit you love Dave and you two have carry on with your torrid affair?!"

Torrid Affair?? What, that we stopped about a millennia ago! What HAS he been telling her??

And as for loving him? How dare she? Does she think I am such a promiscuous tart that I would love more than one? I've got Masimo stropping, Robbie lurking somewhere and now I apparently love Dave?? ER, NO!!

"I don't love Dave! I never have and I never will,"

I did not mean to say that. Gadzooks. I looked at Dave. he looked like he was going to cry. Oh PANTS. What have I done. What if he did mean he loves me??

Emma looked gobsmacked. I took the opportunity and ran.

And then just around the corner I went tearing into Robbie. He looked at me like I was barmy and I babbled something about Dave the Laugh and Emma and Jaden.

He said, "Wait, what are you talking about; _Jaden_?"

But I ran off before he could say anything.

_**Home**_

_**Bed of Pain**_

_**Again**_

Hopefully he will think that he is in luuurve with a maniac and fall out of love with me and go off with some stick insect.

That will do us all a favour.

_**3 minutes later**_

At least on the bright side, Dave the Laugh still has feelings for me- yessssssssssss.

_**2 minutes later**_

On the crap side, I don't want him to have feelings for me.

_**1 minute later**_

Yes I do.

_**3 minutes later**_

No I don't.

_**2 minutes later**_

Yes I do.

_**5 minutes later**_

Ohhhhhh, I don't know what I want.

I want everything. I want Masimo, Dave the Laugh and Robbie.

_**2 minutes later**_

Not all at the same time though.

Oo-er.

_**4 minutes later**_

Why can't I have three boyfriends?

It is so hard being me.

_**7.00pm**_

Uh oh Loon Alert.

Swiss Family Mad came back. Libby was wearing nothing except her knickers and one of Mutti's bras (yes, she has just been in public. I shall never show my face in this town again). Mutti was being…well, Mutti and Vati was dancing and doing hip thrusts (!) around the living room.

Lord Sandra knows where they've been.

And so do I.

The house of the elderly insane.

_**10 minutes later**_

They have no considerablenosity for the broken hearted that are crammed into the Oven of Luuurve (i.e. me)

_**8 minutes later**_

Walking the streets.

I couldn't stay inside. They were getting out some vinto tinto and god knows how many they have had tonight.

I don't know what I am going to do but I must do something with myself.

I am going to see Dave the Laugh.

_**7.30pm**_

Rang his doorbell. That mad neighbour of his was watching me out of her curtains. She didn't think I could see her but I could. Just watching me. I bet Hawkeye hired her too.

"What do you want?"

I turned around to see some man (probably Dave's dad or something) who'd opened the door and was waiting for me to stop staring at the neighbour staring at me through her curtains.

I said, "Um, is Dave in?"

Dave's Vati said, "Yeah, wish he wasn't though," (lovely talk, I bet Dave feels vair loved) "Oy! Dave! Door for you!"

There was a bit of a pause and then Dave shouted back down, "Oh Goody! Is it the loony asylum bods at last? Have they finally prepared my padded cell!?"

Gadzooks! He sounds in a terrible mood. But so am I.

But his Vati did seem to appreciate the same-nosity of the situation and said, "He's being awkward at the moment. He threw a shoe at me. I don't know what's up with him,"

I said, "Neither do I, that's why I need to talk to him," which was vair true. What was going on with Emma? And Jaden?

Then we heard a door open upstairs and some quite heavy foot steps on the stairs. Either Dave has managed to put on half a ton or he's in a mood. My bet's on the latter- although it would be quite funny to see a fat Dave- Hahahahahaha.

Then he saw me and looked quite in shock. Then he just turned tail and started walking back upstairs. I just watched him so he turned back and said, "Are you going to come up then?"

I went up.

To his bedroom.

(!)

_**3 minutes later**_

We sat on his bed (omygiddygod's pyjamas, I am in a boy's room, sitting on his bed). He has quite a nice room. Messy but nowhere near as messy as I would have expected. Just the odd bit of junk. No boxers on the floor or mouldy plates.

He just lay on his back across the widthways of his bed, his head dangling off the end upside down. I just perched on the edge.

I said, "What in the name of PANTS happened there Dave?"

He shrugged (but only in an upside down way) so I said "Come on, you can tell me,"

He sat up and for a moment looked like he was going to say something but then closed his mouth.

But I have got my determinosity and I would not give up, so I said, "So what's happening with Emma?"

This time he told me.

He said, "Well, I went around to hers yesterday, to make sure everything was ticketty boo with her and she was ok after we broke up but we ended up snogging. And today was trying to sort that out,"

Gadzooks.

"But you ended up snogging her again,"

Dave sighed. Like a sighing thing that was slave to the cosmic horn. I feel his pain.

"I thought you liked Jaden?

Dave shrugged again (what is this, a shrug-athon??) "I just feel confused, I guess,"

You're telling me matey.

He looked so miz and rack-of-luurve-ish I just had this weird leapy thing in my stomach and I pulled him into a hug. "Oh, Dave, you idiot,"

It was quite a nice moment, if you like hugging ex cosmic horn partners but he had to spoil it by saying, "Why can't it just be us two?"

Why does he have to ask me that??? Of all things! Can't he understand I am trying to control my red bottom?? I could practically feel it enlarging. "You know why. I've got Masimo, Dave,"

He wouldn't stop though, "Yeah, but who have I got?"

I had to let go of him. The hug seemed to be bringing out the worst in him. I have a Sex God in the bush and a Luuurve God fallen from the hand; I don't need a Laugh hanging around my neck.

I said in a nice but firm way, "Dave, you're not supposed to be like this. On the Rack of Luuurve. You are supposed to be all laughy and such like,"

He just looked at me ironically (or so he thinks)

I said, "Do you want my Hornmistress' advice?"

"Yes,"

Which I thought was ironic, but I didn't say. Instead I said (with my boundless wisdomosity), "I reckon you've just gone through a messy break up and you've still got some feelings for Emma. And everyone does...you know, have feelings for their past girlfriends and boyfriends and such like,"

Ooooh, dangerous territory. I steered away from that.

"And you like Jaden but you think that she doesn't like you back so it's easier to let yourself get carried away with Emma. You like Jaden and Emma at the same time. And maybe even someone else,"

No, no and no! Keep away from that red bottomosity stuff!! He looked at me but I quickly said, "Listen, I'll help you get your Jaden. We'll go on cat patrol tomorrow, how you boys put it. And then you'll be happy and I'll be happy that you are happy,"

It is the least he deserves I suppose. He has enough red bottomosity of his own without mine. And I have enough problems.

But it was strange. Even though I have just offered to help him get his one and only it didn't cheer him up at all. In fact it made him look worse.

He is so full of selfishiosity. I am also on the rack of luuurve but I am trying to cheer him up. And he won't cheer up. I might give up and he can cheer me up.

I was starting to feel a bit mad actually, "You aren't the only one on the rack of luuurve, you know. Masimo and me...have fallen out again because he saw me with Robbie," his mouth opened, "But before you say anything, I love Masimo. The problem is I like Robbie as well. And maybe someone else..."

I didn't mean to say that last bit.

I better go before I come out with anything more. I don't know what I am saying. Maybe this was a bad idea.

I said to cut a long thing short, "I better be away laughing on a fast camel,"

He just looked so down; I was making me feel so sad and upset myself. HE is Dave the LAUGH. He shouldn't be sad. Why is he sad? Why can't he be happy? Why? Then I wouldn't have to feel so _Merde_.

"Dave...I know I said I don't love you. I like you. A LOT. Maybe a tinsy bit more than just matey-type mates,"

His mouth opened again to say something (is he goldfish-boy??) I said before he could speak, "But I have Masimo, Dave. And I am not starting the cosmic horn business again. I like you...but I like Masimo more,"

Wow, was I just sophis then? I am definitely growing up. I have so much maturiosity it is unbelievable.

But then I went to give him a hug and for a mad moment I nearly snogged him. but I managed to convert it into a kiss on the cheek.

_**Home**_

_**10.30pm**_

I can help him get Jaden. I am sure of it.

I am going to be full of maturiosity and let him be happy with her, and then I will be happy with Masimo.

When I can get him back.

But maybe God wants me to 'Love thy neighbour' Miss Wilson was ranting on about earlier and help Dave be happy and then he'll let me be happy.

Yeah.

So of course I can help him get together with someone that he loves that is not me.

Of course I can do that.

Can't I?


	16. Dave: Oh Spuds in Hell

**As always, there are two sides to every tale and sometimes one is better than the other but you are being forced by some power of nature that you have no apprehension of to read Georgia's side first.**

**You are. **

**Don't question it, just read Georgia's side first. **

**:P**

**If you have read Georgia's side already, you may have a cookie. **

_**

* * *

**_

_**Dave**_

**Oh Spuds in Hell**

_**Thursday 22**__**nd**__** September**_

_**7.30am**_

Woken up by Mum screaming 'For God's sake, Dave, tell your friends to shut up!!' which, I have to say, is not the nice way to be woken up.

A quick check out the window and yep, the boys were under there, singing. Yes, singing. What _are_ they singing? It sounds like a rabble of gorillas to me.

I opened my window and shouted down, "What are you singing? And what's more, why are you singing?"

Edward yelled up, "We are serenading you,"

Of course.

As I asked them when I got outside, why?? I think they had less of a clue than me. And that is saying something.

I don't know what though.

_**8.10am**_

I joined in with the singing. We got a few looks from passers by but I think all in all it was a larf. Singing is very therapeutic to a troubled mind…not that I am troubled. I am just not going to think of yesterday. Nope. Deffo not. I am erasing it from my memory and- oh, PANTS, Emma's walking down the path towards us, with Nancy. I don't think she's seen me though…yes she has. She is waving.

So I had to wave back. She said something to Nancy and then smiled and walked over. "Hey,"

"Hey,"

And there was this really awkward pause thing. My mates were just looking at me. Well, Tom wasn't. Him and Nancy were standing back from the group, probably pretending that he and Nancy didn't know each other. I think he feels funny that it's only me and Emma that know about his and Nancy's fling a few weeks back.

Dec was mouthing 'Am I missing something?' 'What's going on?' for ages until he gave up and said out loud, "Am I missing something?"

Emma ignored him and said, "Dave…what was yesterday about?"

"You tell me,"

She looked a bit cross when I said that so I said, "How about we talk about it later?"

That cheered her up because she said, "Ok, we'll meet up somewhere. Luigis? Six, say?"

I said, "Yeah, ok,"

She said, "S'later then,"

I said, "S'later," and she and Nancy walked off.

As we walked off Rollo went, "Whooooaaa, that atmosphere was so thick you could cut it with a knife,"

I said, "Rollo, please shut up,"

But Edward started up then. He was looking over his shoulder and saying, "Mate, I can't believe you dumped her for Georgia. She is quite literally Phooooar and doesn't have a conk big enough to get into the Guinness Book of World Records. God, just look at the legs on her. If I didn't have Mabs then I'd definitely go out with her,"

Dec said, "Have I missed something?"

I said, "You were just there, weren't you?"

He said, "You know what I mean. Have you and her-"

"Dec, shut up,"

He didn't though, he went, "Oooooh, Dave's in a mood!!"

I said, "I am not in a mood,"

He said "Then tell me,"

I said, "No,"

Tom said, "Go on,"

"No,"

Rollo said, "If you don't tell us we will subject you to the Tell-us torture,"

I shrugged so they all started going, "Tell-us, Tell-us, Tell-us, Tell-us,"

_**2 minutes later**_

"Tell-us, Tell-us, Tell-us, Tell-us,"

_**10 minute later**_

"Tell-us, Tell-us, Tell-us, Tell-us,"

"Fine then! I'll tell you,"

They shut up. Thank God. So I told them.

_**3 minutes later**_

They're just looking at me.

Then Rollo said, "What type of a snog was it?"

I said, "It was a snog-type snog. What do expect it to be??"

Rollo explained that the girls have a snogging scale thing and I said, "Oh, yeah, Georgia told me that, but she told me it in German so I had to pretend I knew what each one meant,"

Dec said, "German?"

I said, "Yes,"

He looked like he was going to say something so I said to Rollo "Anyway, why are you asking me to give you the number? Can't you say was it opened mouthed- to which I'd answer yes. Then you say was it with tongues- to which I'd say yes. Then you say did I lip-nibble- to which I'd answer yes. We're guys so we don't do silly little numbers, we do details and bragging-"

"Yeah, usually we do," said Ed, "But we don't when we are talking at the school gates and Nip is standing behind you,"

Oh, bugger.

_**5 minutes later**_

Sent to assembly with a fly in my ear. Well, a bad conduct in my ear. Something about lateness and 'disgraceful talk'.

I said to Dec when we went into assembly, "I ask you. Disagraceful talk. He shouldn't have been listening,"

Dec said, "I know but I think you'd have got away without the bad conduct mark if you hadn't had said that to him,"

I said, "But it's true though. I think he just reacted like that way because he's jealous. I bet he's never snogged anyone in his life,"

Dec said, "Yeah…you shouldn't have said that to him either,"

_**German**_

Whiled my time away whilst Herr Winkel was jabbering on about Lederhosen or something trying to translate the Ace Gang's snogging scale from German to English so I know what it is.

Doesn't help that I am crap at German.

_**3 minutes later**_

Using my uber-brill Lederhosen-a-gogo-nese skills (and Tom's) I got:

Hand Hold

Arm Around

Parting Kiss

Kiss over three minutes

Kiss with opened lips

Tongue kiss

Upper body snogging in the free (?!)

Upper body snogging inside

Rummage under the waist (Hahahaha!)

Go the whole way.

I don't think it is perfect but it shall do.

_**1 minute later**_

Blimey, no one Georgia was a bit off with me when I asked her to _Rummachen underhalb der taille. _

_**Break**_

Great news! I have somehow managed to get myself on the footie team. Despite the fact I have absolutely no coordination at all. Dec, Ed and Tom are also on.

I think it may have something to do with Rollo being Captain but I can't be sure.

_**2 minutes later**_

Terrible News! First game is against the boys from Park Way- i.e. Mark Big Gob and Blunder Boys.

I best start writing a will now.

_**Maths**_

God. I. Am. Bored.

Rollo who was sitting next to me said, "Do you want to have a pea shooting fight, Dave?"

I looked at him and said, "Rollo, I am not a vegetable person. Please share your pea fetish with Tom,"

Rollo said, "I don't mean real peas, you twit…do you even know what pea shooting is?"

I said, "Of course I do,"

He looked at me.

"No," I admitted.

Rollo said, "Well, what you do, is unscrew your biro," he unscrewed him biro and took out the pen part, "Put some paper in your mouth," he ripped some paper out of his book and stuffed it in his mouth like a mad hamster, "Then take some spitty paper from your mouth, roll it into a ball and put it in your pen and blow into the biro and fire!" he shot it at me. It landed on my cheek. It was so disgusting.

"Right, " I said, unscrewing my biro, "This is war,"

_**End of Maths**_

Me and Rollo had to rush over to the Piddly Diddly Department to wash our faces in the sinks because we were covered in each others spit.

There was a bucket of water the caretaker had left out…

_**English**_

Me and Rollo put the bucket of water above the classroom door so it will land on Call-me-Mr. H's head.

_**4 minutes later**_

Yes! Yes! And three times Yes! Operation Bucket has hit target!!!

Call-me-Mr. H walked straight through the classroom door and the bucket of water fell straight on top of him. He was absolutely DRENCHED. Hahahahahaha.

He stayed there, blinking for a while in shock but then he started laughing. Honestly. Laughing. And clapping his hands. I am not joking, I am being deadly serious.

He picked up the bucket and put it on the desk in front of me (why do they always assume it is me who does these things?). He said, "Very good call, very good call. But don't you think that water in a bucket is a bit old hat? Surely you are a bit more creative than that,"

I just looked at him.

_**10 minutes later**_

I am starting to think he is actually an android not a real person. You don't say 'Good Call' when a bucket of water falls on your head.

_**PE**_

Me and Ed tried to skive out of PE because it is beyond the realms of nippy noodles and is practically minus a billion outside and we are forced by some Sadist law to wear shorts. Unfortunately the Sand-Man (Mr. Sanderson), Half Sports Kommandent, Half army drill sergeant found us and forced outside.

Ed tried to explain that no one other than a Walrus could survive outside but the Sand-Man said, "Don't be ridiculous, it's just a bit chilly,"

Yeah, chilly…if you're from Eskimo-a-gogo land.

_**10 minutes later**_

I am convinced that the Sand-man was a torturer in his past life. He said when we all got outside, "Right I know that some of you were complaining that it was cold," he looked directly at me, "So I thought, because I am so kind (YEAH, RIGHT) that I will make sure that you will be doing something that will keep you warm,"

And do you know what that was?

Laps.

Bloody Laps.

Around a track.

Laps for god's sake.

_**30 minutes later**_

Huff, huff, pant, pant.

I hate PE.

_**3 minutes later**_

Rollo doesn't though, he's lapped me at least twice.

Good Grief.

_**Changing Rooms**_

There was a deodorant fight in the changing rooms. Quite fun if you like being gassed out.

_**Stalag 14**_

Georgia's not here! I wonder whether she's ill or something?

_**10 minutes later**_

We had to all sit in the Stalag-fourteenian Assembly hall whilst the girls' headmistress ranted at us saying she expected behaviour as good as last time (haha, of course). I don't get why she has to rant if we were good, but that is the way of the elephant.

Us lads and the Ace Gang-minus-Georgia were sitting in the back row. I was squashed in-between Ellen and Rosie.

I said to Ellen, "She isn't the slightest of things, is she?"

She said, "Um, no, well, she's er, like, quite large?"

Dec shot me a if-looks-could-kill look. Good Grief, it's not my fault she gets the terminal stutters when I talk to her. It's not like I can help being Dave the Biscuit. I don't flirt with her.

Much.

_**2 minutes later**_

Rant on loon leader.

Rosie whispered to me, "Watch the chins,"

_**3 minutes later**_

Blimey, and also crikey, it's like chin city. They look like they're dancing.

I really can't bring my self to take my eyes away.

_**6 minutes later**_

Final allowed to escape chin land.

Was supposed to be carting props around but Rosie got me to help her steal fake fur instead. She was shoving it up her shirt which made her nungas look like they weighed fifty stone (each) but I didn't say.

We could hear Tom and Jas practicing lines in a corner nearby. Jas has somehow ended up being Juliet. Tom was doing Romeo's lines and they were doing the 'Holy Palmers Kiss' bit.

Tom was going, "Sin from my lips, O trespass sweetly urg'd: Give me my sin again,"

They snogged then Jas said, "You kiss by th' book,"

Me and Rosie just looked at each other. Then we looked at them. Then looked at each other again. And then had a simultaneous laughing fit.

Tom and Jas came out of their Shakespearian luuurve nest and looked on the verge of a Nervy Spaz so we had to make a break for it.

I think they honestly believe that they are Romeo and Juliet.

It is unbelievably sad.

Full of Sadnosity, as Georgia would say.

Where is she?

_**5 minutes later**_

Hiding in the stock rooms from our rabid Shakespearian couple (Jas and Tom). Rosie was stashing her stolen fake fur in her rucky.

I said, "Rosie, I didn't know the Nurse needed fake fur,"

She said, "Au contrair, _mes ami__,_ I think the Nurse needs a lot of fake fur,"

I raised my eyebrows.

She said, "It adds to the historiocosity and authentiosity of it. You see, the Nurse was a peasant and she therefore wouldn't have shaved and let her hair grow wild and akimbo,"

Erlack.

I said, "I really wanted to know that, Rosie,"

She said, "You know you love it,"

I said, "I know I really don't,"

_**3 minutes later**_

Rosie said that she's having a mass Viking-themed sleepover on Friday night and that's what the fur is for. She also said that I was invited and I had to invite the boys too.

_**2 minutes later**_

I said, really casually, "So, um, how come Gee's not here?"

She said, "Why are you so bothered?"

"No reason, just curious,"

Rosie said, "She had to hop off," and she wouldn't say anymore.

_**1 minute later**_

Rosie said, "So I hear you like some girl from Hamburger-a-gogo land,"

Why is she asking me this?

I said, "Well, yeah,"

She said, "Where did you meet her,"

I said, "I just saw her. Around,"

Rosie raised an eyebrow and said, "Have you ever actually spoken to her?"

"No,"

"How do you know you like her?"

I shrugged and said, "Well, um, she's, er, pretty and-"

Rosie said, "So you just like her for her looks?"

What has this to do with her? I shrugged again (I'm probably going end up with Shrugging syndrome) "Well, I am a guy,"

Rosie said, trying to force the last bit of fur into her rucky, "I know you are a guy, I just thought you were a bit less superficial than that,"

That's what Georgia called me.

Then Rosie stopped messing about with the fur and looked me directly in the eye, "To be honest, I think this all is a little dodgy,"

"What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean, Mr. Laugh,"

_**4.15pm**_

_**Home**_

Pretended I had an urgent appointment and had to dash back home pronto because Rosie was making me feel all funny. What does she mean I know what she means?

_**4 minutes later**_

I hope she hasn't rumbled Operation Red Herrings II.

_**3 minutes later**_

She was getting her beard out when I went off. It must have been serious.

_**7 minutes later**_

Meeting Emma later. To tell her that we need to make sure no accidental snogs happen.

What is it with me and accidentally snogging my exes?

_**6 minutes later**_

Bloody hell, I am the tug toy of all the different types of Horn.

_**10 minutes later**_

To be honest I feel a little funny about seeing Emma. I do quite miss her. Maybe I was a little hasty in dumping her. I mean, Operation: Red Herrings II might not work. And then I'll end up like a spare watsit on the shelf of life.

And Edward was right; Emma does have great legs.

_**5.00pm**_

Rollo rang.

He said, "Just wishing you good luck on your date tonight,"

I said, "It's not a date,"

"Of course it is,"

"It isn't,"

"It might be,"

"It's not,"

"What is it then?"

"A mutual conversation between two exes,"

Rollo said, "Didn't you go round to Emma's house to have a mutual conversation and ended up snogging?"

"Yes, but-"

Rollo said, "So it was talking that got you into this mess,"

Good grief, I think Rollo may be right for once.

Then he ruined his sudden wisdomosity by saying, "Are you sure that you didn't go around Emma's just for a snog?"

He is UNBELIEVABLE.

I hung up on him.

_**3 minutes later**_

Stupid Rollo.

He has a point though (shock, horror). I need to be on the ball and mark tonight to make sure that I don't end up in another snogging fiasco.

_**5 minutes later**_

What's the worst that can happen?

_**Walking up to Luigis**_

The strangest thing has just happened.

When I was walking up to Luigis, the Italian Homosexualist was going the other way on his scooter. Usually we just ignorez-vous each other but he looked directly at me. Then he did a U-turn and came up by the side of me. I started walking slightly faster because I didn't have a clue what he wanted.

Then he said, "_Ciao_, Dave, mate, can I speak to you?"

I said, "Sorry, Masimo, but I don't fight girls,"

He looked a bit puzzled but only in a handbag wielding way. Then he said, "I don't want to fight with you" Ha! By girl he's figured out I mean him, "Actually, mate, I wanted to apologise for wanting to fight with you,"

I stopped out of shock. "What?"

He said, "I am understanding it's not you that was, erm, how would I say it? Making trouble,"

And he sped off before I could ask what he was saying.

_**1 minute later**_

What in the name of PANTS was that about?

_**6.00pm**_

_**Luigis**_

Emma was already there at the table. She waved when she saw me. Which was good because it shows she is in a nice mood. She looked quite nice as it happened as well.

I brought us a couple of cappuccinos and sat down on the table. I did happen to notice she'd chosen a couply type table, where you sit opposite each other. Ah well.

She said, "So what's this all in aid of?"

I said, "When I snogged you yesterday...I shouldn't have,"

Emma said, "Dave, forgive me, but are you being grown up??"

I said, "Well, I am trying my best,"

Emma said, "Just answer me one thing; do you want to go back out or not?"

I said, in the nicest way possible, "I do like you Emma. But I don't really want to go out with you again,"

She said, "Because you like Georgia better,"

I said, awkwardly, "Well, um, that's part of it..."

Then she said, surprisingly, "That's ok. It's fine. Don't worry about it. Seriously, don't,"

I said, "What, just like that everything is sorted out?"

She said, "Yep,"

I said, "So, can we just be friends,"

She smiled and said, "Sure as sure can be, Davey,"

I said, "Good, good, that was a lot easier than I thou-"

And she suddenly lunged across the table and snogged me (!). I was so taken by surprise I couldn't help but snog back. It was quite weird actually, when she usually snogs me her style is more little gentle kisses but this time she was quite aggressive. She must have really missed me. Blimey, I know I am Jack the Biscuit but she must learn self control.

And so must I!! I pushed her away, "What do you think you are doing?!"

But she didn't say anything. She was looking, but not at me. Something over my shoulder. I span around, just in time to see Georgia storm out the café door. Oh POO.

I got up and ran after her. And Emma chased me. Like a chase train. It would have been funny if I hadn't been so panicky.

By the time I caught Georgia up; she was half way down the next street. I shouted, "GEORGIA! WAIT!"

And she span around. Then Emma shouted from behind me, "Yeah! That's fine! Just go chasing after her! Like you always do!!"

We both just looked at her. Emma came huffing up, "Is that how you ply your trade, Dave? One after the other? After you finish with me, you have a date with Georgia?" What?!

Georgia said, "What in the name of Pantyhose is going on?!"

Emma said, "Oh, don't act so innocent! I am sick of you tarting around, enticing him from me! How dare you just thrust yourself at him! Didn't you think about the fact that you were stealing him from me!!?? And well done, now you've succeeded, so you can go sell yourself somewhere else,"

Georgia said, "Are you calling me a prozzie?!"

Emma shouted, "That's EXACTLY what I am calling you!!"

Oh Spuds in Hell. I must say something light and cheerful to calm then down.

"Ladeeez please, I know I'm Jack the Biscuit bu-"

"SHUT UP!"

Oh that's nice. I can't even speak in a fight they are having over me. Oh God!! What do I do, what do I do???

Georgia said, "Listen, Emma, I don't know how you have this idea in your head, but it isn't me he likes! It's this girl called Jaden! So leave me alone!"

This is quite possibly, the worst case situation. Ever!

Emma said, "The plot thickens!" she sounded a bit hysterical, "JADEN! DAVE! WHO IN THE BLAZES IS JADEN, DAVE? Exactly how many of us have you had on the go?!"

Oh, God. I said, "I haven't-"

"SHUT UP,"

Good grief. Let the defendant speak before you sentence him to death.

Luckily Georgia came to my rescue, "Emma, I don't know what he was doing snogging you, but let me assure you I am not part of it and as for Jaden, she doesn't even know she exists!"

Emma said, "Don't get reasonable with me, missy! I know that you are part of it. He TOLD me he loved you. He TOLD me that you snogged behind my back. So don't you stand so smug and innocent!"

Georgia looked completely phased and finally said, "Is this true Dave?" I just wanted to die on the spot.

Emma said, "Oh, like you don't know it already!"

Georgia said, trying her hardest to calm Emma down, "All I was told about this is that you were dumped for a Sex Kitty and he told me she was Jaden,"

Emma said, "Oh, Stop it, Georgia, just stop it! How stupid do you think I am?? Why don't you admit you love Dave and you two have carry on with your torrid affair?!"

Then Georgia screamed at her, "I don't love Dave! I never have and I never will,"

I felt like she'd stabbed me or something. She looked at me, looked at Emma and then ran off. Oh Gog, Oh Gog, Oh GoggyGogGog. Oh Gog. Oh Gog? Oh Gog I am going mad.

Emma suddenly slapped her hands over her mouth and said, "Oh my God, I am so sorry, Dave,"

I just looked at her. Why did she do that? How could she yell at Georgia? How come she can say Gog properly?

I ran off.

_**Home**_

This is me officially giving up girl-kind.

_**2 minutes later**_

I will have to run away and join the army.

_**3 minutes later**_

It's the only thing left for me now

_**1 minute later**_

Oh I could never do that. I am far too chicken. I might get shot or blown up or shell shock.

_**2 minutes later**_

I will have to dance for pennies on Parisan street corners then.

_**3 minutes later**_

I think that is what is commonly called as 'being caught out'.

_**5 minutes later**_

I still can't say Gog properly.

_**3 minutes later**_

I was juggling three girls on my platter of life and now I've dropped the plate.

Great.

_**4 minutes later**_

So basically:

Emma thinks I like Georgia, which is right.

Emma didn't know until this day that Jaden played any part in this.

Georgia thinks I like Jaden.

Georgia probably is completely bewildered by the Emma Fandango.

Jaden knows exactly what is going on with Georgia

And she also knows part of the Emma fiasco.

_**5 minutes later**_

I would phone Jaden but I am eschewing all of girl kind.

_**3 minutes later**_

Which is a shame because she's easy to talk to (take away the fact that she speaks another language). And I couldn't half do with someone here to talk to.

_**1 minute later**_

You try to do the right thing and sort a fiasco out...

And three billion more start.

_**5 minutes later**_

What is the point in this?

_**3 minutes later**_

At least Operation: Red Herrings II hasn't been found out.

_**6 minutes later**_

Not that it matters, as Georgia says she doesn't love me.

I mean, yeah, I guess I knew she didn't. But still...to hear it like that...

_**3 minutes later**_

Oh Gog, oh gog, oh gog. Shut up saying Gog! Gog, I've gone dyslexic!

_**2 minutes later**_

Vati came banging on my door.

I said, " What do you want?"

He said, "I want to know why you storming around your room kicking things!"

I said, "It's therapy. Go away!" And I threw my shoe at him. I am probably in for it later but who cares??

_**On my Bed**_

_**15 minutes later**_

Patch came waddling into my room for snacksies. I said, "Come here you great fat thing. I need a cuddle,"

But she just waddled back out my room. Even she hates me.

Fine then. I will eschew cat kind too.

She'll regret when she has no one feeding her scraps under the table. And has to hunt. Like an normal cat.

_**7.30pm**_

Door Bell Rang.

Typically everyone yelled for me to get it. I just ignored them. Luuurve rats don't get doors.

Vati shouted, "Oy! Dave! Door for you!!"

I shouted back, "Oh Goody! Is it the loony asylum bods at last? Have they finally prepared my padded cell!?"

I heard him say to whoever it was, "He's being awkward at the moment. He threw a shoe at me. I don't know what's up with him,"

Then this girl voice answered, "Neither do I, that's why I need to talk to him,"

Oh brilliant. It's probably Emma. Can't she just leave me alone? Well, I'm not going down.

_**30 seconds later**_

Had to go downstairs because I could sense a full blown conversation about _moi_ starting up and that's all I need. Emma will say something and then next thing you know it'll be "Daaaave, do you want to talk about anything?"

Stomp, stomp down the stairs.

I'll just tell her to go away.

Stomp, stomp.

Rollo was right about conversations being the root of all ev-

It was Georgia.

Oh gog.

_**3 minutes later**_

Took Georgia up to my room from prying eyes and ears. We sat on my bed. We didn't say anything for a little while but finally she spoke.

"What in the name of PANTS happened there Dave?"

I shrugged.

She said, "Come on, you can tell me,"

Oh I wish I could Georgia. I just want to spill absolutely everything to her. Even the Red Herring-type fiasco. But if I did I know she would go ballisiticisimus. And I really, really don't want to be shouted at any more today.

Georgia said, "So what's happening with Emma?"

I didn't see the point in not telling her, so I said, "Well, I went around to hers yesterday, to make sure everything was ticketty boo with her and she was ok after we broke up but we ended up snogging. And today was trying to sort that out,"

"But you ended up snogging her again,"

I just nodded.

Georgia said, "I thought you liked Jaden?

Oh bugger. What to say. I just said, "I just feel confused, I guess," yeah. Deffo.

She said, "Oh, Dave, you idiot," and she pulled me into a sort of cuddly hug. I know it was just as a mate but I could have quite happily stayed leaning on her shoulder forever. Why can't everything just work out simple? Why can't we just go out?

I threw all caution to the wind and said that to her. I said, "Why can't it just be us two?"

She sort of stiffened then said, "You know why. I've got Masimo, Dave,"

I said before I could help myself, "yeah, but who have I got?"

Georgia said, "Dave, you're not supposed to be like this. On the Rack of Luuurve. You are supposed to be all laughy and such like,"

I just looked at her. I don't think I'll ever be able to laugh again. All my laughs have been drained out of me. I am just the Unlaugh now.

She said, sighing, "Do you want my Hornmistress' advice?"

Probably not but I said, "Yes,"

Georgia said, like the wise woman of the forest, "I reckon you've just gone through a messy break up and you've still got some feelings for Emma. And everyone does...you know, have feelings for their past girlfriends and boyfriends and such like. And you like Jaden but you think that she doesn't like you back so it's easier to let yourself get carried away with Emma. You like Jaden and Emma at the same time. And maybe even someone else,"

Someone else? Has she guessed it already? I looked at her in shock but she just said, "Listen, I'll help you get your Jaden. We'll go on cat patrol tomorrow, how you boys put it. And then you'll be happy and I'll be happy that you are happy,"

You not supposed to want me to be happy!! You are supposed to be jealous!

Warning all, Operation Red Herring has just back-fired.

I could not think of anything to say. I just really, really wanted to tell her EVERYTHING but I couldn't.

Georgia said, "You aren't the only one on the rack of luuurve, you know. Masimo and me...have fallen out again," Oh, this sounded promising! "Because he saw me with Robbie. But before you say anything, I love Masimo. The problem is I like Robbie as well. And maybe someone else..."

Oh Poo. Robbie is back on the forefront? Crap. And who is this mystery guy??

She said, before I could ask her, "I better be away laughing on a fast camel," I couldn't even smile, "Dave...I know I said I don't love you. I like you. A LOT. Maybe a tinsy bit more than just matey-type mates,"

I was about to say 'why not do something about it then?' but she said, "But I have Masimo, Dave. And I am not starting the cosmic horn business again. I like you...but I like Masimo more,"

Bloody Masimo.

Georgia just looked at me and for a second I thought she was going to give me a snog but she just kissed me on the cheek instead, gave me a hug and left.

_**5 minutes later**_

A flipping kiss on the cheek...

_**3 minutes later**_

Next week is exactly a year from when we first met.

_**4 minutes later**_

I wish I didn't have that stuck in my head.

_**2.00am**_

Just woke up from a horrible dream. In the dream I was some butler to Georgia, who was the queen. And I was bringing up her dinner, which was on a silver plate and I was shouting 'Red Herrings! Red Herrings for the Queen! Red Herrings on the Silver Platter of life!" and then, as I was about to serve them up they started talking Hamburger-a-gogo nese and leaping about on the plate. Then Georgia had a nervy B about them when Emma who was the Empress of somewhere burst in and it turned out Georgia and Emma's countries was at war. And then the herrings started dancing and they realised I'd started the whole war and started chasing me out the palace and into the streets and then there were these mobs with pitch forks and I was just running, and running and running and then I started turning into a luuurve-rat-thing but it wasn't going right and I had one proper leg and one midget rat leg and I kept tripping over my tail.

_**2 minutes later**_

What does it mean?

_**1 minute later**_

I think it means I have an over active imagination.

* * *

**Awwww, poor Dave. Things really aren't going his way at the moment, are they?**** I know him being miserable makes him a little out of character but it can't be helped. **

**For the boys' version of the snogging scale, I type the proper German one into a bad online translator, and then made it make a little sense. But still keeping it a crap translation. **


End file.
